he's so depressed it hurts me
I've been seeing this guy for over two years, except we're not really boyfriend/girlfriend. I've been wanting that kind of relationship for awhile with him. We are both 24, we consider each other best friends, we freely tell each other anything, we don't see other people, we love each other romantically and we say it almost everyday. We also trust each other with absolutely no doubts and we connect on an amazing level. But he has never once had a girlfriend and he does not want to have that kind of relationship with me either. He tells me he will never be my boyfriend. He's never given me any reason but he always seems to tell me to not get attached to him and I should not love him as much as I do even though he shares the same feelings. But if I do back off a little bit and go off on my own he gets sad and can't handle it cause we both don't want that. I've known for awhile that he is severely depressed. He's talked about suicide with me several times. He actually has real reasons to be that depressed. He has to go through extreme physical pain that will never end and it's with him at all times even with the prescribed pain killers. He's been dealing with this pain since he was 15 yrs old, due to poorly done back surgery. Sometimes it hurts him so much he can't get out of bed and will isolate himself for days. He has talked with me about suicide and says he might want to kill himself someday. Thats something he thought about for a few years. He seems to be slowly getting more and more depressed. Within the past 9 months especially since him and I went to Vegas. Now within the past five months he's been real sad. 80% of the time he's bummed out and I try to comfort him. He tries not to compain about his back and doesn't express that so much but now he seems to complain about little things throughout the day. He'll just beat himself up and wonder why I even want to talk to what he calls himself, "a loser" or "low-life". I've been hearing this from him for the past 5 months and more so lately. It just brings me down. I don't know what to do anymore. I even partially moved to California and have been gone for the past month. I'm going back home in a couple weeks but we've been arguing. I could have a good job in california and I already have a whole group of good friends and a fun life in los angeles. I'm coming back because I don't want him out of my life and he wants to go to cali with me eventually plus that job and those friends will still be there when I come back whenever I decide to. But at this point I don't know what to do because my boy claims he doesn't want me to get attached because he doesn't want me in his life if he were to kill himself. He thinks it'll be easier for him to do it if I weren't there and I would be less sad because he thinks I'll forget about him if I left him. I don't want to but I've tried to force myself to in the past and that mde him overly sad. But I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't know him anymore. But I still wanna be there. Only problem is it gets the best of me and I get stressed and I get depressed. Sometimes I can't even think straight. Is it best to stay in this unhealthy relationship or move on? Am I making a mistake staying or would it be a mistake leaving? It's probably best to follow your insticts but sometimes it just gets me so mixed up that I feel like I don't even know myself.
