Meeting a past love of my life... advice?
In an attempt to not throw logical assessment out the window and to keep my heart from speaking for me, I have a pickle of a situation...
Roughly seven years ago, I met a very wonderful girl; she was truly a jem. We had known each other slightly before that by aquaintance, after we got to know eachother, things hit off exceptionally well. Over the course the next year or more of spending time with each other, things got more more serious between us. Because of our situations of having to be away from each other for work, etc. our love grew stronger through letters, e-mail, and always getting a day/weekend to see each other was, without a doubt, the best, strongest bond of love in my life that I ever felt. I felt, with never any trifle of doubt, truly in love with someone and knew that it was real back.
Later on, I had noticed some infidelity from her, and at that time I said what I needed to say, and having a truly, deep, strong love for her, it was hard to walk away and I was truly hurt. Some months went by, and being in the environment we were in seeing each other every day, I did my best to neutralize any "path crossing" I'd to with her out of shear feeling and pain I was feeling. I was still accepting the loss and hurt.
She confronted me in those coming months and wanted to talk to me. She told me and he had told my friend as well (which was kind my intermediary between her at times) that she really messed up doing what she did and wanted me back. I still played tough; politely ignoring her, dodging e-mails, or passerby's that she would do. Without really wanting to talk to her, she got her point across that she was sorry for what she had done. Case in point, I was confused: if you love someone as much as you confess to, why do what you do. If you know a good thing, why throw it away. These we all things I was having a truly hard time sorting out and at that time I let her say her bit and went back to playing tough.
After we went our separate ways and were living a good distance away from each other a year later, I would receive instant messages and e-mails, one in particular that was borderline begging me to come back. all of which I would ignore and not respond back to because I still was not over this.
As the years went by, I started to mend my hurt heart and do some soul searching. I would still get an occasional e-mail or instant message, but maybe once or twice a year stating nothing more than "I just want to know how you are doing, if you don't reply back, I completely understand." I never knew how to interpret that and did I want to believe she still cared for me and wanted to reach out? Again, I choked it down as always and disregarded the letter. However, that e-mail, which was in late 2007, was the last real correspondence I had ever heard back from her.
I had found out through some friends just our of general conversation when she would surface in a conversation where she lived, that she had gotten married and divorced throughout the years after our separation and had another child, etc.
Over the course of those very same years, I still do and have thought about her and us quite a bit. She has been very hard to let go for me. There's always those thoughts of remorse, resentment, and questioning of myself with her; I do dream about her infrequently and there is always something that reminds me of her.
Now current day, being almost 4 years since the last time we have last physically spoke to one another, and still having all these surrounding feelings, I decided that perhaps it definitely time to move on, what has happened has happened; that we have been too far removed to re-kindle anything and if anything, I am tired of carrying this knapsack of "what if..." and "heartache" emotions around day after day and decided to make inner peace (and with zero intentions) by contacting her and telling her that it's been a LONG while since you've heard from me, my apologies and would just like to see how you are, etc.
She did reply back and stated she's thought about e-mailing me tons more times but didn't want to see as though she was stalking me. She told me about her life in the past 4 years, etc. and inquired about me as well, which I did share.
The next e-mail I received stated it was very good to hear from me and that she would be in my neighborhood in the next month and put out an invitation for a dinner or coffee to catch up, no more no less (which I thought our e-mails covered at a high level, slightly well). At that time, I did let her know it wasn't easy to conjure up enough guts to write her back (with my intentions to deal and confront my emotions and feelings). I didn't pour any emotions back into a reply, but simply stated dinner or coffee would be nice.
As long winded as that was (wow, btw) I start to ask myself, am I reeling myself into a bad situation I'm going to find putting more backed up emotions and thoughts into this knapsack instead of taking out? Should I have declined her offer or simply ignored it and got a feel about what it really meant instead of being so quick to say 'yes'?
There's parts of me that don't know how to even conduct a conversation. I do truly have a love for this woman down to my soul and, granted, knowing her situation being divorced now, is meeting a good idea? How do I feel out if she feels the same way I do? Do I keep the meeting brief? Do I try and play the "I have moved on" game in hopes to try and show her what she is missing?
I want to tell her I love her and I still think about her every day and that's what is the heaviest in my heart all the time. I only feel that way I think because I feel and believe that she wants to reach out too, but doesn't know what is too much, or if I've moved on or don't have any feelings for her any more. Do I take that chance and hope she feels the same way?
I really need some advice. I feel to either be complete with this or find inner peace, I just need to get these feelings off my chest, but at what risk or cost do I do this? I don't want to do this and have it be one-sided (e.g. me doing the sharing and her not adding anything). Part of me is even ok not getting back together with her, it's just telling her my feelings is what tears me apart with holding them in...
At this moment, I'm not ignorant to ask for help knowing that sometimes the heart has a tendency to hang on longer that logical sense. If you have any advice, I'll gladly take it into consideration.
-Mixed-Up in the Midwest
