Always in the Back of my Mind

I'm sorry this is way too long, but I need to get it off my chest.

The guy I’m with is always telling me how much he loves me and doesn’t ever want anyone else. We spend almost all of our time together, and he does so much to show me how much he cares about me. The problem is that before we met he did a lot of things that I find appalling. His friends have a multitude of stories about stupid things he’s done when drunk and random women he’s tried to hook up with. Of all the women he’s made out/fooled around/had sex with, usually only a couple days after meeting them, no more than three were an actual relationship (extremely short ones at that). Well I’m a 19-year-old virgin who believes in drinking in moderation if at all, and I can’t seem to get over the mere thought of his history. If he were just a friend I’ll admit I wouldn’t mind, though I wouldn’t approve.

He’s told me that one of the girls he’d been with ended up only wanting a “friends with benefits” relationship when he thought they were exclusive. He admitted being devastated by her. Well I’ve also never had a boyfriend and don’t yet understand how a person can be head over heels for one person, then become devoted to someone else.

The worst part is that he’s been with other girls since he and I have been close. I tell myself I have no right to be hurt because at the time we weren’t “officially” together; I guess you could say we were “talking.” I tried to explain to him that although I deeply cared for him, I’ve had events in my life that make me feel uneasy about love. He now says he was only with those girls because he didn’t think I wanted him. He’s even cried at times when we’ve talked about it. When he started dated the first girl (who is also now the first real relationship he’s ever had) I didn’t find out until a week later by a mutual friend. I hadn’t been able to get a hold of him all week (we usually spoke everyday). When I finally saw him again, I tried to be calm and asked him about being with her all week and never calling me back. He looked me in eyes and said, “I’ve been having sex all week.” I was speechless. For him to say something like that when he knew how I felt about sex. I thought, “So that’s it? I wouldn’t give it up so he found someone else.” Especially since he used to pressure me when we first met even though I said no and would push him away. He flat out said he was gonna have sex with me one day. In his defense, however, I have met the friends he grew up with and think that their sexual activity and his inexperience with relationships grant him some leniency. His first time was drunk with a girl he just met. Having sex in the middle of a party is a common thing with them. Girls try to get with him all the time and no one who he’s tried to have sex with has ever said no.

Anyways, after they broke up he and I talked about it. I assured him that I really did want him and he told me she was a mistake. He said I’m the only one he’ll ever love. In fact even when he was with her he told me how much he wanted to be with me and that he would break up with her if I agreed to be his girlfriend. He went as far as to say the he would marry me even if it meant never having sex (not saying I believe it, this is just what he said). He told me he would never leave me, but I rebutted that first off, he got with another girl. Secondly, he was now offering to leave her for me. What if I were her? Then he would be saying this to another girl. Not to mention he also told the girl he was with that it would be impossible to like anyone more than her. Besides, now that he was with her, I couldn’t take him away even if I felt he was mine first. But back to after they broke up (because someone told him she was cheating which turned out to be a lie), we made up and started kissing. The NEXT DAY, less than 24 hours, he met a new girl. When I went to hang out with him he hardly acknowledged my presence. He continued to sit with her. They went outside to smoke together. They ran to the store together. Eventually she was sitting in his lap with her arms around him. I didn’t really mind that since I myself and very touchy and love hugs and sitting in people’s laps. What bothered me was that he still didn’t even look at me. Finally a group of us decided to go out to a haunted bridge. Then in front of everyone, in front of ME, he starts kissing her. They start a relationship. Recap: within HOURS he goes front meeting this beautiful girl to French kissing her in front of everyone, with me front and center only a couple feet away, the DAY AFTER apologizing for dating the last girl and telling me he loves me. The girl broke up with him a week later.

Now it’s been about half a year since he’s tried to get with another girl, but I’m still paranoid. Dozen’s of girls have been/are after him. Girls he’s previously fooled around with (including all 3 exes) have wanted him back. He turns them all down and says he loves only me. He’s careful to not push me outside my sexual boundaries and defends me when his buddies think we’re fooling around. He rarely ever drinks or smokes anymore. He apologizes for everything he’s ever done to upset me and insists on doing everything in his power to make me happy, but I’m still afraid he’s gonna hurt me. Will I ever be able to trust him?