Do you ever feel like you have to be absolutely perfect in a relationship?
The biggest problem that I have had while being in any sort of important relationship, is trying to be way too perfect and chasing them away. I see guys all over the world, treat women like crap, become drug addicts, alcoholics, abusive, whatever, and I see these women run right back to them screaming about how much they "LOVE" them. I think that part has a lot to do with not being in any particular relationship long enough to develop enough for somebody to accept me for my faults. But that's just a small question within the bigger problem that I seem to have when trying to hold on to somebody, that I end up caring about very much in a short period of time. Seemingly my entire life it feels like I can't get any slack when it comes to a relationship.
Am I just not trying hard enough? Too hard? Do I want to do too much at once? Am I just too self centered to actually give any relationship a chance? Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist? I am a great listener, and I can help other people with their relationships. I'm a great motivator, and know how to make people think, and maybe that's too intimidating? But when it comes to my own, I lose my mind. I know that I'm not ugly, I have had many compliments... But they are always from older women, or married women, taken women, and I'm not about to screw around with somebody else's life that I don't even know. And I'm not attracted to older women, I'm 30 and I'm attracted to younger women in their 20's, probably because I have an old soul but I'm young at heart. I get along with kids great, if I had my own kids, I could handle them like nothing. I have family members ask me to take care of their kids all the time, because I'm so great at that and they all love me.
I am absolutely great in any sort of relationship where I could really care less if they're in my life or not. But the second that I meet somebody that I care about very much, something snaps inside of me, and I turn into a freaking jackass. I get all paranoid and always worry about doing something wrong, and I cannot get past it and they end up moving on to more stable ground. I know that it's just being paranoid and that is the only thing right now that is holding me back from having absolutely everything. And I have not met anybody in my entire life where they could accept that, that I could tell them and they accept it. Because the world doesn't work that way, it's a kind of honestly that nobody on this planet can simply flat out accept and I don't get it. Is that worse than being a drug addict? An alcoholic? Or simply a clueless idiot with no personality, but perfectly combed, greasy hair, tanned skin, stupid accent and a 6 pack? Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places, blinking at the wrong times. I have not been able to meet somebody that would accept me for me.
Life isn't fair, I know that, life treats every single person differently. Everybody's path is different, some will have it easier, some will have it much harder. There isn't any one set of rules, we all get a different reality to deal with, and that's just the way it is. That's the way that the universe works, and there is nothing that anybody in it could do to ever change it. I know that I have this gift of writing and expressing my feelings. One question has turned into 10, and it just keeps getting more confusing, but somehow I know that I must post it. But a lot of the time its just self therapy, just typing this out is an amazing feeling, and it calms me like no other drug ever could, I figure things out for myself and then I just save or delete it. I have not really figured out what to do with this gift yet, and maybe I am meant to be alone so that I'm motivated to use this gift. Maybe if I'm with somebody, I won't be motivated to write.
I guess this is just the path life is leading me on, and I might as well just accept it and wait until somebody who accepts me comes along. But I could wait for 10 years... and who knows? What if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? I'm gone without even experiencing true love between 2 people.. ever. But you simply can't look at life that way, I have to take what motivates me and use it to better myself, and then the right person will eventually come along. Somebody who will accept me for who I am, fall for me unconditionally and that will be that, but it hasn't happened as far as I know. But I see it all the time for complete and utter fools, and I know that's not me, and that will never be me. I won't sell myself out and pretend to be somebody that I'm not. I will not mistreat people and lie to people just to be happy. I won't hide what I'm feeling anymore and that is a promise that I am making for myself. Somebody will love me for me when the time comes, the end... Maybe my problem is that I'm too stubborn like that, who knows...
Right now the only thing that I know how to truly love is writing and trying to inspire others to live their lives without pretending, without hiding. Just be yourself, don't sell yourself short, don't sell yourself out. To make people think, to make people laugh. If you're not inspired by life, then your just aren't looking hard enough. Wait for the right person and don't settle for anything less than you deserve. I'm a human fortune cookie. Have patience with life, and don't rush anything, I'm trying to learn that one myself. I have been through enough in life to know what's really important, do what makes you happy.
Have you ever been through any of those things that I mentioned? I hope that this makes some sense, and if you have any advice for me, comical even, I don't care, like I said I don't get offended. Tell me as you see it, if you think that I'm a talentless, egotistical hack who is full of himself who deserves to be alone, then I want to hear it. If you got through this whole thing, thank you for reading!
