confused emotionally and dont know what to do *a lil long*

hey everyone, new here, havent had the chance to browse around but lookin forward to it. i came here mainly though for advice out of desperation.

but first, a little backstory: im 18 years old, im a virgin, FULL virgin, nothing has ever gone beyond a makeout with me and other girls (basically because i move around too much and im a shy guy) ive moved 3 times in the last 3 years, due to problems with the law, problems with money, problems in general. but ok, back to my troubles.


when i moved for the first time in 10th grade, i made a friend quickly. and now weve been friends for about 3 years, and best friends for 2. after 2 years of friendship close to eachother, seeing eachother often, etc. i moved away. i was basically forced to because my mom couldnt pay rent anymore where we were (very rich part of the united state).

so i moved away, we were both depressed and crying that we couldnt see eachother anymore. i told her that i would come down to see her whenever my parents would allow this (wont happen for a while though...). we would talk through text message ALOT. talk about everything normal friends talk about, talk about our days, about problems were having. but most importantly how much we missed eachother. so as the time goes by in my junior year, i have a hard time making friends. i ofcourse, had choice friends there that i liked and they liked me. but it was a clique school.

we keep talking through text, and one night we are talking, and she tells me that she had such a crush on me throughout 10th and 11th grade. now let me clarify things, i was (as i thought) absolutely in love with this girl throughout 11th grade. i dreamed of being with her, but i thought that she would never go out with a guy like me. knowing this all of a sudden, that she wanted to be with me as much as i wanted to be with her, i got a lil pissed that i didnt make a move. but we keep talking.

so summer of 11th grade rolls around, and shit has been getting very hot for me lately (getting in trouble with my mom, grades dropping, alcohol and weed) and eventually, the inevitable happens and im arrested for underage drinking, fleeing to avoid prosecution, criminal tresspassing. im only charged with criminal tresspassing since i dont have anything on my record. but, i have to do 6 months of probation, curfew at 9 pm, piss test, and drug education courses.

because of this, and my father being out of my life for the most part, i move in with him because my mom couldnt trust me anymore. so i moved once more, but this time, i moved alot closer to my best friend. so im exicted because shes just a train ride away. but no, my father wouldnt allow it because he doesnt trust me either. eventually he does trust me, and for the first time in more than half a year, i see her. she had evened out VERY well, she was the definition of beauty when i left, but now she was stunning. the visit goes all and well, i didnt have a crush on her anymore (guess it was lust..). she was going out with my old friend (i introduced the two, so im happy that there together because i love em both). this was still in the summer, but when the school year rolls around, im introduce to something ive never done before.

i get enrolled in a cyber school program. which im in currently, still in senior year. my dad told me hes not going to let me **** up again, so hes going to keep me from getting friends at a regular school (actually said this.) so i have no way of making friends, im dozens of miles away from her, and hundreds of miles away from my omm and friends there. so as u can guess, im ****in lonely.

so, me and her see eachother a couple times over the year, but only a couple. a little bit ago, i saw her again. and she was actually herself this time (shes very shy. and so am i, we were both almost concieling who we were because we were scared what the oither would think after not seeing them for so long.. yes we talked about that.) but yeah, she was the best friend that i loved throughout sophmore and part of junior year. and once again, i started to love her like i used to. now my feelings are different than they were last time, last time i only wanted to go out with her and well... do i have to say it? but now idk, i just want to hold her in my arms and say i love you, i want to make her smile and laugh, i feel so strongly about her, if i even start to think about not being able to talk to her i choke up...

ive never felt this way about anybody before, and im so confused as to what i should do.. ive hurt her before and i know that shes cried because of me more than once, and i dont want to hurt her again. shes still with my friend, and if i did anything to ruin that id straight up kill myself.. i cant stand to see her in any pain let alone another one of my friends. i cant figure out if i should say something to her, or if i should just keep it inside or jump off a bridge.. ive been depressed for the past 5 days trying to figure it out, and since i have no friends right now i dont really have anyone to talk to about this... HALP?!?!

It seems like you had a chance to tell her how you felt any number of times within the last 3 years.. and now she's in a relationship and you need to back off. Seriously, if she's happy where she's at and you don't want to mess it up,then don't.

Worry about getting your life, your grades, etc in order.. and keep contact with her as a friend.

You have ****ed up all over the place. Has it occurred to you that she sees you as an emotional risk? Has it occurred to you that she's right?

Do you honestly think you're any good for her? It sounds to me like you're just "falling back" into the way you felt about her because you're bored senseless from being grounded. If you had a girlfriend in your life, you probably wouldn't think about this girl as much, but you can't because you're basically under house arrest.

alove: thanks, ultimatly thats the smartest thing.. btw my grades are alot better than they were, all above 85% and my lifes together.

giga: not under house arrest, got off of probation and all that months ago. my dad trusts me, i just havent taken the initiative to go out and meet other people cause i have socialphobic tendencies.

overall, i should just leave this alone i guess. both of those posts made alot of sense, except ive never felt this way about her before, even when i was in sophmore and junior, i remember thinkin about her in a strictly sexual way. now i just want to keep her happy, i just want to see her happy and laughing without a care in the world, she had a rough life, but she is the funniest and sweetest girl ive ever known. she deserves nothing but the best.

thanks for the advice.

any other advice would be greatly appreciated to anybody else thats reading.

Yes, but the problem remains that she has a boyfriend. And as long as she has a boyfriend, you have to keep any feelings of a romantic nature (not just sexual but emotional as well) inside to the point that you should not say or doing anything to lead her believe that you are anything more than a casual friend.

Keep your distance ... it's her boyfriend's job to make her happy, not yours. That's easier said than done. Remember, you don't want to add breaking up a relationship to your long list of f***-ups at your young age.

Carl.

this is just an update on the situation. she told me that she told her boyfriend they shouldnt see eachother anymore. then we talked for a lil while about ish and then she went to bed. she seemed pretty calm and collected throughout the convo, and we mostly talked about us..

i dont think i should make a move. does anybody know anything about a long distance relationship? obviously weve kept our friendship throughout the past coupleyears through texting eachother, so i know its possible to keep a friendship long distance. and FYI, we both have talked about it and she told me if she wasnt with him she would of been with me.. so i know that she likes me in that way. i know that relationships change alot of things, especially since its long range there wont be alot of intimate times, which is very important,as we all know. would it work? im still keeping the concept of doing nothing well within my mind, so dont be afraid to be brutally honest..

edit: in know that shes going to be picked up in no time where she is right now, because she is absolutely stunning... so time is of the essence.

Long distance relationships are a nightmare even if you have the means to see each other often and you have a solid, workable plan to be together for real within a year. I don't recommend it.

Look, if this stunning girl had a crush on you, you're probably not too bad, yourself. I'll bet you could find someone a little closer to home. Try to pick a good girl that will keep you on the right track.