1 conflict: She's Outgoing I'm Not

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28-04-09, 05:18 AM
spclk

1 conflict: She's Outgoing I'm Not

I could really use some female input on my situation. I am in a relationship for 9 or so months now, we both love each other immensly. We get along great, practically never fight, have a ton in common and plan on getting married.

However, the only time we have issues are when we go out with her friends, she and her friends (male and female) are very outgoing and hyper and flamboyent, where I am more laid back. I am funny and people enjoy my company, but it usually takes a few times for me to start opening up and really having fun.

The problem is most of her friends are not too sure about me when they first meet me, and they tell her, but a few dates later they like me and realize I am a great guy. My girlfriends never really complains about it but just recently we were having this discussion about how I am not as outgoing right off the bat, and she said I just don't talk much and that its probably because I get bored with conversations quickly unless I really know the person. So I was offended, she said it was just an observation, but that is a sensitive subject for me and really hurt my feelings.

I am not a jealous person, but a part of me actually feels jealous of her friends, even recently acquired friends, it seems like she has more fun with them, she lets loose with them more and I don't "let loose" so I feel "lame". It also kinda makes me question why she fell in love with me when in that sense I am the complete opposite of her and her friends. I know she loves everything about me for the most part, but I really fear she will think I am boring as the years pass, so I want to stop it now.

Thank you so much for any input, I just want to get over this. I am trying very hard to be more outgoing for her, but it takes time.

Oh one more thing, I cannot talk to her about this crappy feelings I have because I do not want to come off as insecure because I am very secure in every other way in her eyes because that would create real problems.
28-04-09, 05:22 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by spclk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It also kinda makes me question why she fell in love with me when in that sense I am the complete opposite of her and her friends.

Well, maybe that's exactly why. You're the harbor she can come home to. You're the rock. You're her dependable thing when everyone else is all over the place.

Sounds great to me.
28-04-09, 08:53 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by spclk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she said I just don't talk much and that its probably because I get bored with conversations quickly unless I really know the person. So I was offended, she said it was just an observation, but that is a sensitive subject for me and really hurt my feelings.

I don't think you should be offended. It sounds like she spoke the truth. As long as you aren't socially embarrassing and she enjoys conversation with you, who cares what her friends say? Most people talk too much, anyway.
28-04-09, 05:06 PM
Henry123

I think that is the problems with introverts. Its a challenge to be exoverted and out going and some people take it the wrong way.

The problem is natural exoverted people might think you dont like them, your anti social, maybe abit weird etc.

The good thing is you can learn to be more exoverted. Find things to talk about. Get out more. Socialize with others. Theres alot of self improvement books out there these days.
If you continue to work on yourself the sky is the limit.
29-04-09, 02:19 AM
spclk

Thank you everyone for your responses so far, I really appreciate the kind words of advice! I am good at holding conversations and am very goofy, but just not right off the bat, I guess I get to know people slower then her so people compare the two of us and it comes off as I am being antisocial because that is like her biggest strength.
29-04-09, 02:55 AM
NeverBeenNLuvB4

I'm also like you OP.

If I'm around a bunch of people I've never met before, I tend to be a bit quiet until someone talks to me. I like to observe the crowd first. See what kind of peole they are. Then I become a chameleon & try to blend in. Then when I know them for a bit, I'm more open to talk about anything & act goofy with jokes & teases. But right off the bat, I'm not that social with a bunch of strangers.

It's like with this girl I'm talking to now. When I first met her she didn't seem interested by my shyness, but rather with my looks. But once she started talking to me & start knowing me, she became really interested.
29-04-09, 07:14 AM
spclk

It is frustrating I know, I wish it was easy for me to just be the real me with anyone like it is for so many people.
29-04-09, 10:22 AM
Henry123

I know its with some people that you have to "grow" with them to get to know you and find out that your not such a bad guy. I'm pretty much like that myself. But I will never stop learning.
It just takes time and alot of practice in defferent scenarios. :)
29-04-09, 01:23 PM
cewzp4

I don't really think this is a problem. I am very introverted and laid back and my boyfriend is always the life of the party. I think we compliment each other. Its worked for us for about 4 years. Good luck!
30-04-09, 07:24 AM
Henry123

Quote:

Originally Posted by cewzp4 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't really think this is a problem. I am very introverted and laid back and my boyfriend is always the life of the party. I think we compliment each other. Its worked for us for about 4 years. Good luck!

I think theres some gender differences with this. Essentially its okay if a girl is introverted but its not okay if the guy is (its simply less socially acceptible).
30-04-09, 07:34 AM
cewzp4

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think theres some gender differences with this. Essentially its okay if a girl is introverted but its not okay if the guy is (its simply less socially acceptible).

I don't think that gender presentation has anything to do with it. Why would it be more acceptable for females to be introverted? I have never encountered a problem like this, and I know plenty of shy, introverted guys.
30-04-09, 07:42 AM
Justplaying5050

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think theres some gender differences with this. Essentially its okay if a girl is introverted but its not okay if the guy is (its simply less socially acceptible).

I tend to agree with this being a Male introvert myself. I tested at a 89 out of 100 on a scale of inteovertedness on the briggs test. I find that it takes me at least a few encounters to build, i guess, trust up with the other people so that i can feel like i can really be myself without being judged harshly by others. To witness this in other guys can probably be quite strange since men tend have a very masculine/outgoing image tied to them

Like one poster said before, go to her parties and such and meet her friends you will warm up to them. And you can still be the 'home' for her. Just remember that even thought you are introverted and she is extroverted that doesnt make either quality the 'correct' quality.
30-04-09, 09:00 AM
Henry123

Quote:

Originally Posted by cewzp4 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think that gender presentation has anything to do with it. Why would it be more acceptable for females to be introverted?

Because society already expects women to play the passive role in a relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cewzp4 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... I have never encountered a problem like this, and I know plenty of shy, introverted guys.

huh? Why would it be a problem to you????

Its the shy introverted guys who are having the problems. It society expectation for guys to ask females out. Its society expectation for guys to act as the alpha male to play the masculine active role. ....etc. It is shy introverted guys who are having a tough time getting girl friends.