i just need someone who will listen to me.
for starters, this is my first post.
i'm in a lot of pain, as many of you, and i'm writing in hopes that this will help me cope. i apologize for the long post. but i do enjoy writing, so maybe you'll find it entertaining.
ill begin my story by saying im head over heals in love with a girl i can't have. i'm sure i'm not alone. ill go ahead and give you a profile of me and this girl: we dated for nearly a year. she was my first love. first everything actually, as i was to her. that made it so beautiful. but i'm a fool. i never appreciated her the way i should have. i was so stupid. like many teenagers, i felt like i was on the giving end of the relationship. like i was doing someone a favor or something. the truth is, she gave me more than i ever knew. and i let her go.
i want to flash back to about 2 and a half years ago when my mom passed away. i was 15. she was the only person i ever trusted in my mess of a childhood. i loved her so much, when she left, a big part of me left. i didn't want to trust anyone, or myself. but god put that event in my life as an opportunity. a chance to grow into a man. so i wiped my eyes, and walked into the world my with my chin held high.
it was a year later i met that girl. megan is her name. i wasn't all that attracted to her. but she was adorable. so innocent. i made her laugh and she showed an immediate affection to me. i was hesitant. but before i knew it we were dating. i had more fun with her than i even realized. its taken me until now to realize she is what gave me new life. she filled that void my mother left. i was happy. but her utmost level of affection scared me a little. like plenty of teenage girls, she thought we were going to be together forever. i wouldn't have ruled that out. but it makes me uncomfortable to constantly mention it. we got sexual, to a certain extent. it was so exciting. but i found another girl. one i was immediately attracted to. i thought to myself: "if i'm already attracted to this other girl, would my time with her be better spent?"
most of everyone gets that way. you get greedy. you feel like there could be so much more before you even evaluate what you have.
i dumped megan. god it broke her heart. but it didn't last long, i couldn't stand to see her like that. so it wasn't a few days before we were together again. i was again hesitant.
we lost our virginity to each other. it was amazing. but dammit, i did the same thing as before. dumped her again. i hope you're understanding the selfishness of what i did to her. i deserve my current state. i can't imagine what it felt like for her. this time we were apart for about a month. but we got back together. it was august of last year. even then, i was not 100%. so stupid.
but we were happily together until december. she was completely in love with me. i began to have second thoughts again. she was beginning to feel that pain again, and she insisted we split. i felt free.
i was content with what i did. and i slept at night just fine. i tried dating, and had some fun with it. i hit a bump when i had the chance to have sex with someone else. i physically, and mentally, could not do it. i noticed that megan had really gotten under my skin. megan began dating someone else. i thought it was good for her. but she constantly texted me, talking of how much she missed me. she had sex with him, it hurt me a little more than i expected. i didn't know how much sanctity meant to me. it was then things truly went uphill for her, and downhill for me. id see them together, then toss and turn that night. i couldn't stand it. then prom night, i almost lost it when i saw her with her man. she happened to come to the after-party alone.
and we hooked up. it was amazing. i was never happier. she quickly dumped her man.
it was still at this point i wasn't sure of everything.
but for the first time, my emotions became very clear when she rejected me and got back with her man.
now its over a month later. and she has played, lied, rejected, hurt, mocked, and teased me to the point of suicide becoming a serious consideration. you wouldn't believe the massive emotion transition.
what she has been doing to me feels so unfair. i don't want to detail it, its so bad. the terrible thing is, its made me realize i did somewhat of the same thing to her. not as extreme. but my selfishness and blindness makes up for it.
its truly too painful to even type.
it has taken almost a year and a half of my and her doings to place me in a state of unbelievable love for her. i feel like we could be so happy if i were for once 100% in the relationship.
but she says she is in love with him. i don't know what to do. it hurts so bad. i want to be the man i always should have been. i don't want anyone else to make her happy. what have i done? id give everything i own to take back what i did to her. i hate myself for it. i miss her so much. she gave me so much that i took for granted.
can't i be rewarded for realizing the mistake, instead of being punished for it? i don't deserve it. but i can't stand it anymore! she filled a part of my life that i don't even want to replace with another. she is my new life. and i didn't even know it before.
what do i do? i just want the mistakes to go away and let me treat her the way i should have always. she's shunned me out of her life. where do i go when moving on isn't an option? i don't want to live without her. what she's doing to me could take a pepsie challenge with my mom's passing. is there any direction i can go that won't keep me up at night any longer?
somebody help me. :,(
