okay so i'm a male, who's got this overwhelming attraction to another guy for the first time in my life.
i'm pretty good at hooking up with someone and making them attracted to me in the first place, its just hard for me to keep them. i dont really like just ****ing around and hooking up it's totally boring to me. i'm not saying i want something super long term either i just want all the little bullshit that goes with a "relationship"
previously i've been exclusively with women, fallen completely in love with one woman, which was long distance and tragic and completely broke my soul. (it was my own undoing, i cheated)
other than that it's been hookups and these weird quasi-relationships that have lasted months at a time. last one the girl was a total whore but i ****ed her for months anyways, with moments feeling like a relationship and moments feeling like total distance.
then i see this guy one night at a bar, and i actually thought he was a chick at first, totally completely feminine, and i struggled with my attraction towards him for about a week or two then decided i wanted him. so i did everything right and made him want me, one night we drank tequila and he basically attacked me and at first i was turned off by his aggressiveness, but as i got to know him and we hooked up a few more times i really started to feel something for him.
it's really weird because at times i'm so scared of losing any kind of connection with him but at times i feel complete and total peace, i know he likes me, i'm a good looking guy and get hit on by other guys and girls all the time, but i'm like a silver medal and he's the gold. i've got personality in spades and a real future and i'm self confident in ways that most people wouldn't understand.
but he ****ing makes me weak in the knees, i actually feel dizzy around him but it doesn't screw up my approach or how i treat him, he has a big ego because he gets hit on 24/7 by men and women because honestly he is just that gorgeous. straight men love him, gay men are in love with him, and women constantly tell him how hot he is.
i dont kiss his ass ever, i've never complemented him on his looks, i need to find a way to access him that isn't just about something superficial. it isn't just his beauty, he has this sparkling unique energy that is just amazing and i think 99.9% of the world only sees him as a pretty face but i see him as more than that, i know about his family and what he's been through, he's not that smart, but he knows enough common sense wise to pass.
we haven't hooked up in over a week and i just need to know what everyone thinks. i can play games if i need to i have an iron will and the mind of a champion. i've played out every scenario and i'll be okay if he doesn't want me, but it's like we're in limbo.
oh did i mention i work with him so i see him EVERY day, which kind of interferes with everything, because i can't create the distance i need to.
at moments i would do anything for him. but i refuse because i know how people are and i will not be anyone's bitch.
it's completely weird because if it wasn't this challenging and complicated it wouldn't be beautiful and alive but if it was easy it wouldn't be special.
i'm so excited. and so ****ing scared. and i've never felt so ****ing beautiful in my life it makes me happy as shit.
i absolutley had to write this in and internet forum because i totally biased bullshit answers to my problems so i can say **** it and do what i feel is right anyways.
i love all of you.
tell me anything everything brutal honest i need it. i'm strong but i want bliss and beauty and ****ing insanity!
