Difficult breakup and getting over it

Hi,

I broke up with my boyfriend of five years nearly three months ago. I know its early days yet and things will get worse before they get better but I just can't seem to get the guy out of my system.

We had a pretty complicated relationship, neither of us was out to our families only our friends. We both wanted different things in our future. So after a difficult final year were he stopped trying and I worked my ass off to make things better we parted ways.

Initially we maintained contact but I stopped this as it hurt too much, told him I would maybe talk to him in a few months. We have a small circle of friends which means we still bump into each other but I've started making new friends outside the group so as to reduce this. I've come out to my family and all of my friends. I no longer feel the need to hide been gay. I'm keeping busy with my job and hobbies and developing new interests.

What I'm trying to ask is does anyone have anymore advice on how to move on. I still love him but I need to move on, he's dating and moving on so why can't I?

A very confused guy.

Hi,

As a gay guy who has been in similar situations, I completely empathise. There's no fixed length of time it takes to get over someone, or an equation to work out how long it might take...I wish there was!

Love is a form of obsession, and it's hard to just let it go. I spent 18 months being obsessed with someone. It consumed my every thought, every minute of the day; I loved him, hated him, loved him, hated him. My behaviour was very unattractive indeed - I even spent some time in therapy and also went to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous).

However, I finally realised that instead of projecting all my heartache outwards, and instead of constantly obsessing over the object of my obsessions, I should be focussing my attention on making myself stronger, and realised just how little self-esteem I had left. I worked, hard, at fixing myself, and now I've in a happy, healthy relationship and virtually never think of my ex. I've even gone on to write a book about my experiences to help others in the same position (it's available to download from whenlovehasgone.com , if anyone's interested - sorry for the plug ;) ). Ultimately, everyone deals with break-ups in different ways...just because your ex is out meeting new people doesn't mean he's over things (and in many ways, feeling the sense of grief you're feeling is a much healthier reaction). You are coping, even if it hurts - you've even had the courage to come out recently (Well DONE!), and it WILL get easier and easier.

Take care,

Paul