New here seeking advice and support

Came across this site while searching for some info on the topic of an aunt in law. I am a 40 year old male US citizen. I have only been "married" once and there are no children from that marriage. My current relationship produced two children currently under the age of six whom I love and adore to the end of the earth. Their mother and I have never married, came close a few times but have just had a very rocky relationship. I love her but am not in love, we have many issues to say the least and I do know that she really loves me. I just don't think our love is the right kind of love. I have made many mistakes myself and I have cheated on her a few times and was caught on one of the occasions. We got through that but things just did not improve and were not good between us before I cheated. Not proud that I cheated but I did none the less. Our Sex life was pretty good it's just we had so many differences that we stayed at odds and grew apart and I can't count the times each of us said we were through and threatened to leave. About two years ago my path crossed with that of her aunt during a death in the family. The aunt was married to my partners uncle years earlier and she had always really liked her aunt. She ended up staying with us for a short while and she and I hit it off really well as friends, just talking about all kinds of things from sports to life experiences. I considered her to be an attractive lady but in all honesty going down that road did not cross my mind and I treated her with the up most respect and nothing sexually ever happened, in fact other than a hug we never touched or even made any kind of advances we just talked and had great conversations. After she left our house we stayed in touch via e-mail and phone, she was in the middle of a divorce from a guy that was doing drugs and she did not know it and he chose the drugs over her. Anyway as time went on we really got to know each other and I could talk to her like none other. I am a reserved person that is not a good communicator and I let things build up or don't express myself. I always enjoyed talking to her and here again we never crossed over the line, now we would joke and flirt sometimes but I did not try to hook up with her and neither did she. I knew my partner would not have liked me to be talking to her so I kept that a secret. In the summer of 2008 I was at the end of my rope with my relationship and the aunt called me one day and said she wanted to see me that she needed to talk to me about something so we set it up and met and I was not expecting what tranpired. She asked me if I loved my partner (her niece by a previous marriage) and I said yes I love her and she asked me if I though I would ever marry her and I said we had talked about it but that we just seemed to have so many problems and issues that we just never took the plunge, now my partner wanted to and was certainly willing so I can take the blame for the cold feet if you want to go there. I have been with my partner for seven years just for the record. Anyway as we talked she reaveled to me how she felt for me and that she had fought it for a long time and the truth of the matter is that I had to. Well we started seeing more of each other and eventually slept together and for the first time in years I felt like I was making love and not just sex and I had had some great sex over the years it was like out souls were speaking to each other. Even though I was not legally married I knew I should not do that while still living with my partner. The aunt never pressured me to leave and in fact encouraged me to work it out with her niece if that is what I wanted or needed to do, but by November I made up my mind and I left her I did not spill the beans though cause I knew it was going to be bad. I went and stayed with my mom and was seeing the aunt every chance I got and we were madly in love but it was out secret and that was tough. The hard part was leaving those kids but of course I had them every other weekend and was an active part of their lives. Of course my mom and others wanted us to get back togehter and all that and I even went and talked to a pastor at a church I attend and I told him everything and he told me I should try to fix my family, anyway time went on and I just could not handle the pressure of what the reaction was going to be and all that and I basically went nuts and called things off the first of the year 2009 with the aunt and told my partner what had been going on (I had a meltdown) and that I was sorry and wanted to try and work things out and it was very hard on the both of us and as they say the crap hit the fan. The aunt was not happy with me because I broke her heart and crushed her also. My partner and I got back together, I moved back in and at that point all ties with the aunt had been severed. We started trying to work it out but soon after it was back to the same o'l same o'l and I was like what the heck just happened, I had finally got the courage to leave and did leave and then jumped right back into it because I thought it was the right thing to do and I am one that unfortunatley tries to keep the peace and make others happy, I hate that about myself and at the end of the day I am the one that suffers. I really beleived that we could work things out and that we both were willing to change some things and I made it clear to her on a few issues that had to change but as I write this they have not and we have another serious issue now and that is I have no sexual desire with her, in fact we have not had sex since March and I am not seeing anyone. Now from time to time I may have to take care of my own needs but there is just a wall there between the two of us and we are just not connected at all. I don't hate her, it's nothing like that and it's not unbearable to live there with her and in fact it's not bad but I don't look forward to going home there is no passion or romance at all it's completly dead and it's not that she does not want to she complains about it to me but I don't know what to do cause I am just not into her. Our sex life had been on the downhill slide for sometime before I ever left but I never had any issues performing while I was gone and I had a lot of sex and love making to the woman I though I was going to spend the rest of my life with until I got cold feet cause I knew we were going to have to go public with it so to speak and there would be a negative reaction from family and friends. And let me say that the aunt caught pure hell from many alot more than I did and I was just as much involved. Anyway I have been really longwinded so if someone is still reading this I apoligize and I know each of us has a different opinion and values and all that so don't preach to me that is not what I am seeking. The bottom line is this, a few months after all the crap hit the fan the aunt called me and just wanted me to know that as hurt as she was all she ever wanted was for me to be happy and that she could not hate me and would always be my friend. We do still talk some but are not seeing each other. All I can say is this, I know there has to be a reason why there is a closeness that I have never had with anyone between me and the aunt in law (need to make sure its understood she is not my aunt and is not really my partners aunt any more since she is no longer married to her uncle) we were great friends, true friends before we had ever slept together and it was something wonderful that I had not experieced in years, it was not just sex and when it was over I was not ready to get up and leave like when I was just haveing sex with someone just for pleasure. I deeply care for this person and we have a connection that noone would ever understand, I would lay down and die for her and after all that has happened I still feel this way and am so empty inside and long for what I had with her but was afraid to follow through. In my mind it looked and sounded good and was the popular thing to do by getting back with my family but neither of us are making the other one happy, we are just two people living under the same roof and rasing our kids and we both do love those kids but in the end what message will that send to them, what will they see when they are old enough to see and understand things better. Is this right. If I am lucky enough to live long enough one day my kids will be grown and have their own lives, where will I be I don't know. I fell imprisioned my my own self and I feel so alone and my heart aches for the person that I believe crossed my path two years ago for a reason. Something has to give something has to change, life is not bad my any means, I have a job a decent home a family but on the inside I am just empty and crying out and I know in my heart that my best friend in the whole world feels the same way we are seperated and we belong to each other regardless of what family and friends will say. I ask myslef all the time why her and not someone else, I don't have those answers I just know what's real and what's not real. If you took the time to read this, bless you. My ears are open - I know at the end of the day or end of the road the decision has to be made firmly by me I am just looking for some feedback I cannot afford a counselor or a therapist in this broken econmy.

chief