I just felt like I had to write something down about the way I am feeling right now. It always seems to happen when I’ve had a wee drink but this time I’ve only had one drink and I’ve been feeling this way for ages, sober or not. It’s just a bit easier to say when I’m mildly inebriated.
I am so completely in love. So wonderfully, blissfully happy in love. I literally can’t believe it’s happened to me. I was truly getting to the point where I believed that it wouldn’t be my destiny to meet someone that loved me and, more importantly, that I loved back. And I do, I really, really do.
He is everything that I want in a man. He is kind, funny, handsome, an amazing lover, understanding, hard working, silly, adventurous, sympathetic but not in a pandering way – all these things and more that I didn’t even know that I wanted.
It’s taken me, and is still taking me a while to stop being selfish and keep letting him know that he is the one for me. I’ve spent so much time on my own -and have been with men that have let me off with murder- that I became self absorbed and verging on bitter. I never meant to become that person because I always knew deep down what I wanted to be – someone’s love, wife, mother to their children.
I’m scared a lot. Knowing how some men have loved me and how broken their hearts were when it wasn’t meant to be. That sounds so vain but it’s true. I always knew, although I loved them in a way, that they weren’t the one for me. The mere thought that my man might think one day that I’m not the one for him, rips the heart from my chest. I spent along time holding myself back, chaining up my emotions and internally knowing that if it all went wrong, I’d still be ok. I knew, though that in order for me to love and be loved implicitly, I would have to give myself up to him. So I did, and now I am completely at his mercy. In a good way though.
I am not naive enough to think that our relationship will be a field of roses forever. Already we have reached road blocks that we fear might be impassable. I’m sure other couples and relationships have discovered the secret to succeeding is communication. It’s quite beautiful when we discover something for ourselves and we feel like the only people that have ever had that realisation. Every day is an adventure for me with him.
I also know that in order for us to be successful, we must be always willing to adapt because life will throw things at us that will require strength. My mum always says that it is the trees that bend in the wind that are the strongest. Wise words. So as long as we take time out for each other to sit down and talk (and I am extremely lucky as my man is open and willing to talk), then we will continue to be strong.
The world we live in is commercialised and pop-culture obsessed and we are constantly bombarded with stories of how simple it is to marry, divorce, marry and divorce again. I have no religious beliefs personally but I believe that the vows you take in a marriage ceremony should never be taken lightly and ‘till death do us part is a phrase that should be placed in the highest regard. For me, to be his wife would be the greatest honour and to die his wife would be the greatest adventure. (Peter Pan, ha-ha.)
I hear from couples that it is not the good times and not even the bad times that make a relationship stronger; it is the boring times. It’s quite unrealistic to think that every day is going to be an adrenaline rush filled with excitement and passion. I am at a disadvantage as I am inherently lazy as I think most humans are if they’re being honest. It is my responsibility to ensure that I don’t become lackadaisical and take him for granted just as it is his responsibility to do likewise.
I have started a list of things to do for him of which I will execute at various stages in our relationship to ensure that it doesn’t get stale. Sounds a bit military but I believe that a partnership’s success will be dependent on the positive input of both parties. There go the buzz words, comes from working in education. Anyway, I want to make sure that my man feels the same way about me in 10, 20, 30 years time as he does about me now and I am going to do everything in my power – even if it puts me out of my comfort zone – to make sure that he does.
Reading back, I can barely recognise the girl that has written this as I was once the independent, don’t-need-a-man, ‘I’ll deal with my own problems’ mild ball-buster. I hope it doesn’t read that I’ve just rolled over and became the girl that only thinks about her man because I haven’t. I am still me, just better. And I’m not ashamed to say that it has a lot to do with him. He has made me want to be a better woman. (As Good As It Gets. Ha-ha.)
I’m going to keep this document filed away in some secret place. It’s fairly anonymous if I ever want to stick it on the internet for people to read. It’s certainly not Shakespeare but it’s honest. Maybe one of the only honest things I’ve written in my life. I’m going to refer to it when things are crappy and hard which they inevitably will be and try to find strength from it. Whether I show it to him….I don’t know. I think this is more of a personal thing.
