Still...Again...Heart Broken

...I don't know...

I don't know what to do anymore... Sleepless nights...Heart Aches...

How do you move on??

... I met her through a friend of mine in the past but only started talking to her 3-4 months prior to December 2008 when we started dating. She was among the very few girls that I've actually loved truly, deeply, madly AND blindly . It was to the point I could of died for her.

One thing I did not know or at least, did not care to investigate further (Yes, my fault) was if she already had a current boyfriend. Before we dated, when I would ask her out, she would tell me she's already plan something with him. So I assumed she did but I did question myself later on due to the fact that after awhile, I was the one seeing her all the time.

Then it happened. We started going out and I completely left the subject aside until prior to the end of the month, when she told me she was going out of town for a month. What for? To see HER BOYFRIEND!!?!??!?!?!! THAT LIVES ON ANOTHER F*CKING CONTINENT!!!!!! I did not know how to take it.

She told me the reason why she "Kinda left" him was because of me...because I was around...

I totally felt like a rebound at that point but at the same time I did somewhat feel that she liked me too. However, she tells me that she will go back and "break up officially" with him because she's been ignoring him.
Days before she takes off, she tells me she loves me and tells me to wait for her to come back. Deep inside, I was ready for the worst but never thought it would hurt so damn much...

A month slips by..Upon her arrival, I happily text her to see how she is. Not surprisingly but sadly.. she doesn't reply but only tells me ON MSN, when I logged in, that she is Sorry and that she LOVES the guy. Reasons: She didn't give me any except for the fact that It was somewhat Her First Bf. She didn't even had the guts to tell me in person.

Obviously, My world has collapsed and I've spent my days in the coldest of winters, all by myself, in between 4 walls. I never actually thought it would of made such a impact due to my previous relationships that meant a lot more and lasted longer but there's something about her...I've tried the "no contact" thing with her but trials after trials, I've failed because I was unable to go on without her in my life... It was as if I've lost all goals.

Recently, enough I've just added her back on Msn, which is the only place where I can get in touch with her, because she has cut all other sources of communication with me..except her home phone but she is still with her parents therefore I wouldn't dare disturb. Every time, she would log in, and I personally know that I should not be the first one to talk to her, but I can't control myself..Whenever I don't, she wouldn't come to say Hi or anything..and when I do..she'll reply the first few minutes but then she'll just ignore my msgs...

I have tried to stop talking to her for almost 7 months now and still have been unable to. I did all my best I could to try and get over her.

At this moment, I am seeing other girls.
I feel like an asshole though because I know that what I'm doing is going to hurt them (But I've already made it clear that I will not be their lover, only more intimate friend) Also, I feel that I'm "cheating" on my ex... even if I'm not with her...so in theory I'm not...but still...you get the point...(Hopefully)

It's just that, at this moment in my life, I am completely lost in life because I was so emotionally troubled it affected my performance in school (when it really shouldn't have). I don't know where I'm going in life, especially when my only goal is to: get back with her. I've lost my everything. I have totally secluded myself home whenever I'm not at work. I Don't take care of my physics anymore...
Every night I reminisce about the times I was with her...
I Think of her 24/7 - 365.
I don't know how to get out of my position even though I know what I am suppose to do...

I don't really know why I'm posting this because I already know how most replies will go (If any) and what I'm really suppose to do, it's just I can't apply them although I tend to help a lot of people and friends out in their relationships with the same advices and do's and don't s...

I still miss her and I still love her... but I know I have more chance in winning the lottery grand prize than ending up with her :(

F*ck My Life.

"The Hardest Thing To Do Is Watch The One You Love, Love Someone Else."

Stop living in the past.

You're a sadist who is into emotionaly torturing yourself and you keep on finding excuses to justify your pathetic behaviour.

You never loved this girl, if you would have loved her, you'd be able to let go, because that's part of love to: LETTING GO.

You just feel sorry for yourself because you didn't get what you want.

Obviously your world hasn't collapsed enough yet to keep on going on with this bullshit.

You have no relation with her and your socalled love isn't being returned, so all this crap is IN YOUR MIND.

Stop living in a fantasy world and get your feet back down here, in the real world.

I did let go..it's just I still at times get into my downs and really really miss her. Like I said this happened 7 months ago and I did get back on my feet, it's just I still miss her and I do love her; I did let go, just that at some points I've tried to get in contact with her again because I can't stop thinking about her...

As far as the sorry goes I don't feel sorry for myself at all. I did get what I wanted, My world did collapsed, when it happened I was at the lowest point, It's just with time, I was recovering but yet, still miss her.

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. =(

It isn't uncommon for it to take a long time to move on from a relationship where you felt you were aboslutly in love. You're not the first one to feel heartache...I know how it is.

I will say that I have been in love and lost that love and it's HARD! What you really should do is try to focus on your own life and well being. When you become so obssessed with something like this you start to feel like life was SO MUCH better when you were with her. Not nessesarily true.

In reality there is TONS of other facets in life well worth your time besides women. Keep your mind occupied! If you sart thinking about her try to recognize that you are thinking about her AGAIN and force yourself to concentrate on something else. If you can become aware of your emotions getting the better of you then you need to shift your mindset at that moment.

I hope this makes sense. It is part of the healing process and learnng to be in control of your own life. Right now thoughts about her are affecting your emotions and causing you to obssess about her. This isn't healthy to living a positive life.

I'm not saying you don't really love her but you CAN move on and enjoy your life without her! Maybe even more so.

=)