Emotional Affair Issue

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26-06-09, 09:58 PM
ESP

Emotional Affair Issue

I have been in a relationship with the woman that I love for 2 1/2 years now. She was accepted into a great school in London UK and moved from north America. I too took a break from school and moved all the way here to join her. I know that she cares greatly for me and loves me and she is very much a good hearted person with good values and good intentions.

However, she has been spending a lot of time chatting online with a colleague from her school. They sometimes go to concerts together and I'm sure they see each other while at school, though she wouldn't admit it. At first, when she was in London alone (I was in North America) she would mention his name on a few occassions and this struck me as interesting.
When I moved to London I noticed that she would often be chatting online with him and sometimes spend less time with me, though not always. I did mention that it annoyed me and raised my suspisions that I suspected he had a crush on her. She dismissed this and said that they were only friends. I on the other hand know men very well. I have met him a few times, he is likeable but I suspect he's a bit of a player, or a lady's man. He has dated or made out with a few other girls from this program so it's not shocking.

Things have been a bit strange in the last few weeks and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was exams but perhaps something else. I did something bad. I checked her email, yes I invaded her privacy. I clicked this guy's name in her email and noticed there were tons of chats and many emails back in forth discussing academic stuff, music, things of interest. Nothing very suspicion until an email she sent to him a week ago. He apparently downloaded some music on her computer while she was away at lunch and the music expressed his feelings for her. She wrote him an email which shocked me. She confirmed that she had a crush on him for some time now and complimented him or described what she liked about him. She also discussed how she loves me and can see herself marrying me. She at this point that she would stay with me but also expressed confusion as to her feelings towards him. She said she would regret it if in a year from now we broke up and she would feel like she missed the opportunity of being with him. I am really not sure where she stands now and she has not even mentioned this email or her emotions for him to me.

They both agreed that they would meet in the next week or so to talk about this.

I feel completely destroyed as this is an emotional affair. After reading this email I raised the idea about our relationship and what was going on. I also asked whether there was someone else, and she said no. I have not had the courage to tell her that i spied in her email and discovered what I know. Should I tell her? If so, how?

I am torn, feel taken advantaged of, feel unsure now of our future together but i also know that she seriously loves me and is very serious about our relationship. However, I don't feel that she is very forthcoming about this or very shy about it. I also do not believe that anything physical has occurred between them (yet!) because she is not like that but I still feel that this is an emotional affair and it hurts me just the same.

What should I do? Take a break for a few weeks and travel to Spain? I have an easy time attracting women, should I perhaps meet with other women simply for conversation and to introduce myself to a new perspective? A girl from work always wants to meet after work so that I can teach her french, should I do it in spite? Should I break up with my girlfriend who I am madly in love?

I need help!
26-06-09, 10:17 PM
vashti

I don't see what options you have other than waiting for her to make her choice (unless you are willing to flat-out dump her).

Crushes happen over the course of relationships, and you will both learn about the content of her character based on how she handles this.

How old are both of you?

BTW - I don't really understand why you aren't telling her you know what's up, and demanding she make a choice.
27-06-09, 01:09 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by ESP [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What should I do? Take a break for a few weeks and travel to Spain? I have an easy time attracting women, should I perhaps meet with other women simply for conversation and to introduce myself to a new perspective? A girl from work always wants to meet after work so that I can teach her french, should I do it in spite? Should I break up with my girlfriend who I am madly in love?

Really? This appears to be a possible solution to you? Jackass. Get a hold of yourself.

Yes, confront her. Confess to the violation of privacy and lay it all out there. If I were you, I'd be the most hurt by her lying about there being someone else and that would be the first topic of conversation with her.

Quit playing games.
27-06-09, 01:38 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by ESP [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What should I do? Take a break for a few weeks and travel to Spain? I have an easy time attracting women, should I perhaps meet with other women simply for conversation and to introduce myself to a new perspective? A girl from work always wants to meet after work so that I can teach her french, should I do it in spite? Should I break up with my girlfriend who I am madly in love?

You mean your own personal standards are dependent on how someone else behaves?

If you want to do the above things, then just break up with your GF.

BTW, if you don't confront your GF about this other guy *before* they meet, you can kiss your relationship goodbye. Women (especially young women) are biologically programmed to form attachments to guys who satisfy their emotional needs. If this is enhanced by physical contact (even hugs will do it), then she is VERY likely to fall for this guy.

That said, I agree with Vash that you could view this as a test of her character. If she leaves you, I'm not sure its a bad thing for you. If she doesn't leave tho, I think you should spend some time figuring out what it is you aren't giving her. Clearly, there's some holes or she wouldn't be interested in this other guy.
27-06-09, 01:48 AM
raptor5618

All you can do is accept it or not. It is clear that she is not interested in talking about it to you. I think it is also clear that she has not done more than talk about it. If she moves to more than talk things between you will get very bad very quickly and even if she does not fess up you will know.

Anything you do in an attempt to get back at her, get even or what ever is foolish. If you want another girl then do it, don't do it to make a point and the point would also include that you are an ass. If you want to go with someone else just tell her. Be honest and let the cards fall where they will.

Not sure about telling her about reading her email though. No point in that. Tell her that the time she spends with the other guy hurts you very much and you do not know how much more you can bear before you need to go your own way. If she wants to keep you she will stop chatting with him so that she does not hurt you. If she gets angry well you are on the way out anyway.

She probably will accuse you of trying to tell her who she can talk to etc. Simply tell her that she can talk to who ever she wants to but that it hurts you when she is talking to him and that if she chooses to keep talking to him that you need to do what is necessary for yourself. You can only control your actions and not hers.

Of course you can decide that you can accept her talking and chatting to that guy and then just stop thinking about it because you chose to accept it.