Am I in love or am I afraid to be alone?
Forgive me for this being a little long winded but I know that I am the only one that can make this decision. All that I am really seeking is just some advice.
I am 21 year old male and have been dating a 27 year old female for over a year. I would consider her to be my first real relationship. She has an unruly, but gorgeous 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We met when I was 20 and from the start the age difference between us was somewhat frowned upon. (6 years) I was too young is what she was told by her friends and family. First off, I consider myself to be very mature and wise beyond my years.
Once I got to know her family they began to take a strong liking towards me as they could see that I wasn’t a dead beat just looking for sex. Now at the beginning of the relationship she was dating another guy who wouldn’t give her the time or attention she so strongly desired. Needless to say, she left him for me. Everything was great at first, the conversations and the sex. She held me up so high and would literally do anything for me. I felt this strong bond towards her as well as attraction. Within a few months of dating we decided to move in together with her daughter in an apartment.
As far as the 4 year old goes, her real father is still in her life and they have shared custody. I was raised by my mother and stepfather. My real father was never really in my life so I have no objection in helping raise a child that isn’t technically mine.
After a while of moving in with her, I started feeling trapped and resentful. I felt that perhaps I was missing out on my “young years” and that this sort of commitment was something that I wasn’t ready for. She had already lived those years of partying and I would say she got it out of her system. I kept these feelings to myself however as I did not want to frighten her. I know that I shouldn’t get jealous over someone’s past and that I should love the person for who they are.
She would tell me every day that I was the best thing to happen to her and her daughter. I feel that she loved my unconditionally. I know she loved me unconditionally because I made the stupid mistake of cheating on her with someone at a party. I confessed what I had done and moved out on my own accord. I wanted to leave in the beginning. It was as if I got tired and restless of my situation. She begged me to come back and said that she forgave me for what I had done. I truly believe that she did forgive. This girl that I had met for one night was nothing special. I did not have any sort of emotional attachment whatsoever.
We ended up breaking the lease at our apartment and I moved back on my own. It was as if I didn’t want the commitment anymore, so I simply abandoned them. She was completely miserable and alone. The feeling that I had such a negative impact on someone’s life is unbearable at times. Do I feel bad because I feel guilty or because I still love her? She started seeing this other guy to get her mind off of me (how she put it). Honestly I became somewhat jealous and began to wonder if I really wanted to be alone and without her. I ended up getting back with her out of guilt and scared of being alone. I felt almost as if she was a ‘good catch’ and someone who is genuinely an honest and good person. I thought that the chances of me finding someone just like her would be impossible once more.
Everything seemed okay for the following month after we got back together. I began to feel the same feelings of resentment though. I left her again, this time for good. She wants to be friends still. So we have begun this relationship of being friends with benefits. I know that eventually she will start seeing someone else. I shouldn’t expect her not to.
She has sent me numerous calls and emails begging/pleading that I come back. She says that she knows I am the one for her. She has even told me that she understands how I feel and what I am going through. As messed up as it sounds, she has said that she will wait for me when I am ready. Even if it is years down the road. She says that if she ever meets someone and decides to get married, that if I show up at the wedding, I could still steal her away once more. Is this truly love or an obsession?
What do I do? Will someone else ever love me unconditionally again? I know that there is more to life than just sex and attaining the so called experiences. I feel like my life can go in two directions. Either I stay with her and resent her and her daughter later on, or I leave her and potentially throw away the love of my life. Am I being a fool for wanting to experience something else and new that I know could potentially lead me to regret? Why do I have to be young and stupid?
