Advice Really Needed

Hey guys. Literally just joined here, so first and foremost I'd like to say hello! I'm here looking for advice, and the following situation is still relatively fresh with me so I just thought I'd ask your opinions on the matter since I cant actually talk to my friends about it. Pardon how long this is going to be, I've spent a while trying to word this properly. I'll explain a bit about myself first though just so you know the backstory.

I grew up in Dublin, Ireland, in an abussive home. Growing up, my views on marriage were never good ones, because I'd seen the destructive effects it had on my parents. Affairs, drugs, alcoholism, violence, and poverty were all things that myself and my two sisters were exposed to from our parent's relationship as we were growing up. I'd seen how love tore the two of them apart and vowed I'd never allow myself to be crippled in the same way they were. As a result, I shot down any prospect of a relationship as the years went on as a defensive mechanism, out of fear of being hurt I built walls and layers that would look after me. Being gay didnt help either, my father was horrifically homophobic and evicted me from the home at 18 upon the announcement of my sexuality. He didnt agree with the notion that I could love another man, and so I had no other choice but to leave. Love has never been something our family could embrace, it seems.


Anyway, I'll explain my situation. Around the end of November 2008, my friends invited me out for a birthday party which was being held in a nightclub in town. I had just moved into my first apartment and was delighted, so I decided to join them. It was here at this party I met Richie, a funny, laid back, but irresistably charming young man who was 5 years older than me. We talked for hours, danced, swapped phone numbers and had a brief kiss before the night ended. I used to be very cold with guys, and never really gave them a second thought after seeing them on nights out.

But Richie was different, I found afterwards that I couldnt stop thinking about him, there was just something amazing about him I'd never found in a guy before. We were from the same kind of background, had similar interests, and just had this amazing heat between us that was fuelled by sweet but somewhat sexual flirtation. A couple of months had passed of late night phone calls, and I was smitten. I could feel my defenses coming down, I felt like I could trust him, that I could even really fall for him if I allowed myself to.

A chance encounter with him in a bar in February had resulted in us acting on our desires and sharing the night together. We talked until all hours of the morning about the silliest things in each others arms, and it felt beautiful. I remember thinking to myself: "If this was what a relationship would be like, well then I'm staying right here beside him". I dropped him home the next day and we talked for days afterwards over the phone. In a way, it was like a silent relationship in the sense that it was nothing official. A couple of weeks later, he tells me he's afraid of commitment, yet suggests we go for our first date. I was all for it, but circumstances changed and we both couldnt attend on the night. Months passed of constant phone calls and text messages, yet nothing really happening. I was growing impatient, I liked him and he liked me, so what were we waiting for?

He announces then that during these months apart he had been dating another guy who we share mutual company with, but was not interested in him anymore and wanted to give things a try with me. Foolishly I agreed to go on a date with him, rather than realise I was just being the rebound guy. Richie goes on to say that he lost his wallet on the way in to town, and that he'd have to walk home that night. I bought him his drink for the night and offered that he could stay at mine rather than walk for 2 hours in the rain, only to be accused of (in his words): "wanting to get me drunk so you can rape me". We argued, only for him to laugh in my face when I asked if he was ever interested in me in the first place.

I was devastated, the one guy who I'd actually allowed into my life and allowed myself to like had just made an absolute fool of me. Enraged, one of my friends approached him and demanded that Richie made sure I got home safe and sound. I had left myself pennyless looking after him and could not afford the taxi home. Richie walked me out of the bar, away from where my friends could see us, took out his wallet (the one he claimed to have lost), produces a wad of cash before saying: "See ya" and jumps into a taxi. I walked home in the rain pennyless because of his lies. I was humiliated, I was devastated and I was heartbroken. I confronted him over the phone to be basically told: "Didnt mean to lead ya on. Was never interested in you. Sorry. Lets be friends".

Obviously, it left me crushed. But I grew from it and tried to shrug it off as much as I could, until he rang me a month later asking if we were ok. I lost my temper on the phone and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. My friends, who are normally quite neutral in people's affairs, grew to despise him for the way he was and refuse to talk to him. It had also came out of the wordwork too that he had slept with my best friend the night after he had stayed at mine, so naturally I was livid. A month ago, we seen each other for the first time since that incident. He approached me and apologised, and although he seemed sincere, I wasn't too sure to accept it or not. I had told him if he even wanted any form of friendship I'd need to see an effort on his behalf because I'd completely lost all trust for him, and warned him that I would not make it easy for him because I was still annoyed.

Just as things were begining to sort out, I find a video on one of my friends mobile phone of himself and Richie having sex. The date was from April, and they had both agreed to keep it a secret from me in case I got upset with them. With all of this drama and conflict, I'm just fed up. Richie wants us to be friends and put it all behind us, yet it was me who got hurt in all of this not him. He's making his efforts now but the whole experience and all the sly things that he done on me just still feel a bit too raw for me. I'm not one to hold a grudge, and I detest arguements. Its too easy for me to just bury the hatchet for peace's sake, but my friends and family think I'd be ridiculous to have anything to do with him.

I'm not too sure what to do really. Do I allow someone who abused and hurt me the way he did back into my life, try to forget the past and try be friends despite the fact he deliberatly went out of his way to upset me? Can I allow myself to take that risk one more time?

I'm bascially just asking what you would do in this situation. I'm a bit too upset on the matter to really make any clear decisions at the moment, so your opinion would mean a lot to me! :)

Thanks for your time,

J