Guys, if you were him, what are you thinking...

First, Hello My name is Denise, I'm 20 and yes, well, about to spill my utter confusion to the cyber world.....here goes. (Think I got this in the right forum)

Wall of text.....but I really cant help but feel paraphrasing would leave out small details that might actually play a part in this....

Almost 3 years ago to the day I found myself in a pretty nifty situation. I was head-over-heals for a guy 18 years my senior, but he was being smart and running the eff away until I at least turned 18, which was a little over a month away. While I was begging my heart to be patient, another guy made it clear he liked me. I was very honest with him, that I liked him too, and I bet we could try a relationship and probably be a good couple.....BUT, that for the time being, my heart was with someone else (he knew who) and that I needed to see that interest through first. The friend thanked me for my honesty, said that's what made me so cool.

The older guy and I ended up dating....for 3 years. Say what you will about age differences, He loved me, I loved him. We were ok and legit as far as emotions go, no one was used or taken advantage of. We simply ran the natural course of a relationship and found out we were no longer going to work out together. During these years, I didn't talk to the guy friend as much as I had used to, because Older guy was a super jealous guy, and knew about the convo I had had with the friend, and while the friend remained on good terms with Older Guy, the friend and I drifted apart.

Fast forward to today. Broken up and on the rebound. But I got the rebound out of the way. I slept with a different guy friend in an attempt to break down some emotional and mental walls. It worked (yay for logically planning out a post-break-up-slutty phase) I've been talking to guy friend more often now, just as a friend. We run in the same circle, and as I've gravitated heavily toward my pals for post-break-up support, we've been seeing a lot of each other.

The guy friend rarely comes over to my main pals house unless there's a party, but about two weeks ago he just randomly came over, and I'm there alot, so it was cool to hang. As the night gets later, the house darker, the rest of the house more sleepy, he and I are on the couch across from each other. A bit of footsie play is going on, and as soon as the last housemate goes off to bed, I am immediately pulled across to him and enjoy some of the best kissing skills I've known.

We eventually trot off to my car for some heavier petting.....no sex, just petting.....with lips........yeah. I've never been the promiscuous type, but I think a bit of that rebound still remains....

The next day I get a text from him saying he doesnt want anyone to know. Well...thats ego shattering.....but we kept talking, asking each other questions like how many people we've been with. I asked what he wanted out of us, he said "I don't know, not a relationship though" and admitted he didnt want anyone to know because he doesnt want people to know his business when its not an official GF. I could understand that. He invites me over to his house that night, where we talk a lot more, and eventually have sex. The post-coital pillow talk starts up, and he asks how long the older guy and I have been broken up. I said about a month. His attitude changes slightly, a slight decrease in "perk" (and he's a perky guy) He said he thought we had been broken up for four months (this is good, means he's checked up on me on myspace, lol) I said we "seperated" four months ago and I changed my relationship status on myspace, but we still talked and tried to hold onto what we had, and only a month ago did we officially call it quits. The evening ends not long after, as I needed to get home and sleep before a long day of work then class.

This past weekend, He texts me and says he's regretted what we did everyday since and didn't want to talk about it. *shock* I said I'm sorry for regrets, if he needs to talk I'll listen, but wont mention it and hoped it wouldnt affect our friendship. He said it wouldnt and it didnt seem to. A few days later he asked if I did anything with a friend of his I met only a few days after the hook up. I had indeed made out with his friend (hey, im single) but that was all, and I was just enjoying the freedom, no emotions involved. I asked if that was why there were regrets. He said no. Then I admitted that I didnt want to ask because he didnt want to talk about it, but dang it, its been plaguing my thoughts. He said it was because I was so-n-so's ex and it was too soon. See, he's always looked up to my Older guy Ex...even before EX and I dated....... I said ok, sucks but ok. He said no big deal....I said yeah, no big deal :/ He asked if anything was wrong, I said nothing is wrong, I was just frustrated. We changed the subject for a bit and then I asked if he had even spoken to my Ex recently. He said "Lets not talk about it".....and I let it go.


I vented about the situation to some friends of mine. The boyfriend of my best galfriend is a close friend to this puzzling guy, and the Boyfriend said the guy DOES like me. I dont know if thats based on observation or conversation.....


GGRRRRRRRR. Im just frustrated, and rambling, and acting/feeling like a dumb little highschool girl again. I was hoping someone could shed some light on what is possibly going on in his head, because I don't fully understand how my EX plays a role in this. I'd ask this guy, but I'm trying to respect his wishes of not talking about it for a little bit. I don't want to hound him and run him off.


Is it possible he's afraid of being a rebound? Or could it merely be respect for my EX? Perhapse he knows Im not ready for another relationship right now....but he already stated he was just looking for a FWB for now. I briefly thought its his way of getting out of being the bad guy and getting away with loving and leaving me. Hell, I'd be ok with that if I just KNEW!

I DO like this guy and would hope we could explore the relationship that never was one day in the future.... but for now, I'm even a little dissapointed the FWB wont be happening (cant help hormones.....)




Thanks for letting me vent, and I feel for anyone who made it through the word gauntlet above. I'd love to write it out more maturly than "Then I said this...and then he said that..." But then you'd be reading a novel....


R&BE

I have no idea either :)

First thing that came to mind was - if he really is into you, then he would show it. And all the other stuff would not stand in his way.

It could also be that he is afraid to get hurt. Perhaps he has had a long term interest in you and now that the chance is here, it is scary, because he knows you are fresh out of a relationship with a guy you once chose over him. In some ways, he is your second choice and perhaps that makes him worry too. Along with the fact that you have been with others (could make him worry more about the whole rebound thing). I am not saying this in a critical way - I think you have made some good choices for yourself and seem to do really well.

Another thing - could it be that his contact with your X plays a role somehow. Could your X have had conversations with him about your past relationship. Could he feel some type of loyalty towards your X and therefore inhibited to fully pursue you. Could your X have asked him to leave your alone for a while?

I really don't know. In some ways I am more inclined to say that he may just not be that interested afterall. Sometimes, when you get what you want, it is not what you wanted afterall. Perhaps the rebound thoughts/you making out with other friend/his contact with your X, is just enough to dampen feelings he was finally able to start revisiting?

Good luck :)

OK, a few red flags here:

1. he doesn't want anyone to know
2. he doesn't want to 'talk about it'
3. you are clearly on a rebound
4. his friend(s) don't know dick and will tell you anything you want to hear so he can get laid. They are HIS friends, not yours (get it?).

My advice to you would be to cut the crap, be fully single and stay that way till you are able to take care of your own emotional needs, instead of trying to fill those with someone else.

How can you heal and improve yourself as a human being, if you don't give yourself the time to go through that process? First of you have to become a strong, independent individual, before anything else.

I think you have some serious thinking to do and I also think that this guy is not the right material for you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yggdrasil [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

4. his friend(s) don't know dick and will tell you anything you want to hear so he can get laid. They are HIS friends, not yours (get it?).

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This is the only thing I disagree with. I can take the rest because I asked for thoughts on the topic, and that includes thoughts that may point to a need for change in my behavior, and one cannot expect to not recieve replies that challenge the current way of looking at things. Hell, I can even take the prospect that he's "Just not that into me" because I accept its quite possible (and probable, lol). But I have to wonder why one would assume anyone in our circle is allied any stronger with him over myself, or even the other way around. The guy has ALREADY been laid, why does "his" friends need to butter me up further? Im ok with sleeping with him again, even if no strings are attached. Just confused as to what his words at face value add up to. Im not THAT cynical of a person.

Who jadded you? :surprised:


Thank you however for the food for thought about needing to be a strong individual. I blogged about that immediately after the separation, something along the lines of not being able to be one-half until on my own I am a whole....

I think everyone is entitled to a bit of rebound. Shit happens. And Im thankful mine only lasted a few weeks, while some girls let it last a year, a few years...or even a lifetime. Its these moments that help me grow into that strong girl. ;)


And thank you dimwit, I really appreciate the though put into your response :)

It really shed some light on the possibility that a series of not individually "bad" events could culminate to cause a "not-entirely-positive" outcome.

I'm not that cynical either. I only offer a different view.