Looking for reassurance that I'm finally doing the right thing...(or not)
Hi..I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I certainly understand that some of the things I mention may disgust people, but please note that I agree. Without further adieu...
I broke-up with my girlfriend of 3 years this past weekend even though I love her dearly as she's been better to me than anyone else ever has in my life. The reason? The hurt. You see, she wasn't just my girlfriend...she was also married. Married with kids.
She would come visit me (or we would meet elsewhere) on average every three weeks for a day or two...and we've done this for the past 2-3 years. I love her very much, and I know she loves me. And when we spend time together, it's wonderful. This isn't about sex - we have a very strong emotional bond. But over the past year, when she leaves (like she always has to) I get upset/sad/bitter and we end up nitpicking and arguing. And obviously the reason for this is because she's leaving (once again) back home. I want her to myself for obvious reasons. But she goes back to her husband and back to her security. They haven't had "relations" in years by the way...their relationship has been stoic at best and although he tries sometimes to make advances, they don't work and there is full awareness they have become friends...and probably should have stayed friends. But hindsight is always 20/20...
I want her to be with me. She wants the same. I want their (what has been) friendly relationship to be official...i.e. divorce...so we can do this right. But every time we have an episode which is directly correlated back to me being bitter because she goes back to him, it makes her less secure about us. And so it's a never ending cycle. I can't help but feel this way and she gets why - but inevitably it still makes her insecure with us. She won't go out on a limb with someone who she has fits with when she has children to worry about. And I understand this, and respect it. My goal is not to hurt their family...even though me being in the picture certainly doesn't help.
So long story short...this has been a never ending cycle for a long time. And I of course am upset, often, because I cannot have her and she will not commit to me. And at the same time, I have been living a lie. I know damn well it's wrong to be with a married woman. I never thought I would be in this situation. And I have led a guilty life for years hoping that maybe it can work after enough time goes by. Every time someone from work asks "Oh how is your girlfriend doing?" (who they've obviously never met) I'll say "oh, she's fine"...but in the meantime I feel so guilty because I know that she's someone else's wife. I want to show her off to the world, but can't, and the anger and bitterness continues to dwell.
So this weekend I told her I can't do this anymore. I said 'I love you more than anything, but you aren't mine. And it's been wrong of me to want you...because it's not something I'm allowed to have, regardless of what the circumstances are. He could be a murderer (he's not) but it still doesn't give me right to intrude like I did. I try to rationalize but I know better. And obviously, it takes two to tango but I accept my part. I finally said the guilt from doing the wrong thing and the sadness(because she always leaves me) is just not right. And so I've been suffering in solidarity. I don't have many friends and family and I devoted much of my time to her thinking this would work and we would get married, have more kids, etc etc. And now, I'm getting my just reward for doing the wrong thing for all these years. The pain is incredible because I do love her. But I feel like if she really wants to be with me - then it's going to have to happen the right way or not at all. And I'm betting for the children's sake, she stays put...which means it's over.
Did I do the right thing? I feel like I finally "grew a pair" but I'm so miserable. Should I pursue a different path? Any suggestions or thoughts? This situation was by far the worst mistake of my life...but SHE was the best thing in my life.
Thanks so much for your feedback.
