Well after a 2am phone call, I can finally say it's over
Hello all,
For any of you out there who have already given advice on my situation thank very much, it has all been helpful and greatly appreciated.
For those of you who have not, here is a brief summary:
Was together nearly two years, girlfriend moved in when looking for a new flat after 9 months just for 5 months, then her now flat mate (who she was living with before but they both wanted a new flat as my gf didn't get on with the other person they were living with) moved in for a month as well before thye got their own flat together.
Shortly after (3 months) our relationship had started to breakdown, we never did anything and got stuck in a bit of a rut. Talked about it, decided we still wanted to try and make it work so we both put in a lot of effort. This improved greatly and were doing well for a while.
All of a sudden things seemed to start to take a turn for the worse and she became very distant, I put it down to the fact that she had been arguing with her flat mate and family. About a week after these arguments she call and said we needed to talk and we ended up deciding that we needed a break. She felt that she was constantly trying to make the relationship work, I told her that at times it semed like I wasn't that important to her as she sould only ever see me when her flat mate was at work or had her boyfirend (they have a long distance thing) was up to see her.
So we started the break but agreed to stay in touch and meet up about once a week. It seemed like a good idea, until the weekend when she rang me at midnight when she knew I was out with some friends to argue with me about how she felt I didn't care about her, she hated me for what I had done. It was not a good call, but we talked and then she calmed down. Following day, get an appology saying she was sorry and shouldn't have called and argued with me and she was just upset.
So we met up just over a week later which went well, it was nice to sit down and chat almost like dating again. We met up another couple of times she would still be affectionate, I would be affectionate back. I would speak to her on her way from work (on the phone like we used too) and things seemed like they were going well.
About three weeks after the initial break I sent her a message (not just out of the blue as we had still been in contact and speaking reguarly) one evening asking how she was doing, told me she was feeling very well didn't hear much more from her as she went to bed. Following day I asked her if she felt any better and the reply was "why do I care?" then consequently ended up having an argument. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone but just kept sending me messages saying she hated me as it was all over, wanted to know why I wasn't putting up a fight and wasn't trying to make it work. To which I explained that I was fighting to keep her and trying to make it work still. Which in all honesty I was, the things that I knew bothered her in the relationship I was working on (went to see a therapist to get help with them). Did eventually call her and get her to answer, spoke to her a bit before she fell asleep on the phone and things seemed to settle down.
Met up with her the following week, spent a whole afternoon and part of the evening with her (was only going to be a couple of hours), it was nice and things looked like they were on the mend. We even kissed, held hands, sat close to each other on a bench. Until the weekend when I get a phone call from her at 1am having a go at me as she was unhappy, upset that things hadn't worked out between up, telling she really loved me and knew I loved her too but felt that things were just not working.
Since that on the phone when I spoke to her she kept making little off hand remarks, like needing to buy some new underware but not not seeing anyone anymore meant that she could save some cash and buy some cheap stuff as nobody else is going to see it. Just things that gave the impression that it becoming over in her mind.
Next time I saw her was over a week later before she went away, again met up in the afternoon had some lunch and a wonder round some shops. Again little comments when shopping like "this could have been yours" refering to herself, it was nice to go shopping as firends. Over lunch we were talking about various things and she brought up it was still good to have out friendship even though the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't unexpected the comment but I agreed and said it was nice that we were still friends and it was good to see her. While were were there and waiting in a que she came upto me and stood really close and put her head on my shoulder, then moved away saying that she shouldn't do that anymore, I asked why and she said becasue we weren't together. I said I still cared for her and I didn't mind and I liked her showing affection and you never know what the future holds. She didn't move back though.
So when on my way to drop her home as it had been running through my mind I said to her as it came up in conversation that I was glad that we were still friends and it was a shame that things didn't work out as I still cared for her. She agreed and said that she was glad that she amnaged to end a relationship maturely for once and not have a blazing row or cheat on me.
Next time I saw her was later that week when I took some of her stuff over (still have some of her things here). Didn't hear much more from that point, asked her how her holiday was going and got a reply. Then nothing really for two weeks, other than middle of this week when she sent me a message saying we really need to have a serious talk about getting her stuff back over to her flat that she had left here.
Now by this point I was under the impression that the relationship was over, from all that she said there didn't seem much chance of it working out. So 2am comes last night and my phone rings, I pop outside as I was out in town with my firends. I asked her what was wrong, she asked if I was busy and I said I was out but I could tlak to her as it was obviously important for her to call me so late. Well we have a huge argument on the phone about how I have treated her to which I was taken back (I have never done anything to hurt her, physically or emotionally). She thought it was really nasty of me to sit her down in a public place and say I am glad we are friends, shame the realtionship didn't work out as I knew she wouldn't kick up a fuss. Again we were having that conversation together, we I actually said to her we were in my car and she agreed. We did briefly talk about it at dinner and the point was that we had developed a really good freindship over the past two years just something had gone wrong. We both were talking about it though, I didn't sit her down and just say it. There were many other things that she said as well, I spent most of the conversation defending myself.
One thing that really did baffle me is that it seems like she wasn't getting from me what she wanted, she said she knew what type of person I was when we got together (quite closed when it comes to showing my feelings) but she was willing to accept that. My point back was maybe that is were the problem was, she was expecting me to turn into somebody who I wasn't. She seemed to accept that ok and just said she wanted some closure. I was also told I had taken the cowards way out by breaking up with her, I didn't really understand. I still showed her affection, talked about getting back together when things sorted themselves out and I think the break was a good idea as some time appart would clear the air. I then got signals from her and the random calls saying that she was sad it was all over which gave me the impression that she didn't want a realtionship with me anymore so after several weeks of that and each week her getting more distant no matter what I tried then I didn't want to hurt her anymore and thought that is what she wanted. To be honest I take phrases like "it's sad it''s all over" and "I am glad that I ended it maturely" as meaning that it's over.
Well it went on for a bit, I asked her what she thought went wrong, she didn't know. I asked her if she felt that I loved her and cared for her and she said she did.
I never lied or cheated, the only thing I am guilty of is biting my tounge when it came to her and her best friend/flat mate. It really started to get to me the fact that she no longer stayed over at mine like she used too as she didn't want to leave her firend on her own, or I could only see her when her friend was at work. Maybe I should have done, I tried a couple of times and that usually lead to an argument as she thought I was making her choose between us. I suppose on a level I was but all I wanted was sometimes me being number one instead of taking second place all the time.
As always with the early morning phone calls she fell as sleep during hte conversation, which is very frustraing as it is usally when she has said her part then half way through me explaining myself to her. And again this mornign I get a message appologising for the call saying that she was just drunk and emotional.
Well thats it from start ot end, longer than I thought but there was a lot that has happened. Thank you once again for the advice, at least I have my answer now and I can start moving on with my life. I am sad to loose her as I care for her very much but at the end of the day it just didn't work out.
Lee
