Feeling Sad and Frustrated

Hi, I'm new here... My name's Char, I'm 19 and I have quite a big problem...Warning: This may get a bit long!

I was dating my first 'serious' boyfriend for 2 years up until April this year... We had so much in common, we lost our virginities to each other and we had fun together. However, the first year or so of the relationship was filled with a lot of running, on my part; he'd tell me he loved me then change his mind, organise to do things with me then decide he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all... I felt like it was all my fault and any time we temporarily split up was because of my shortcomings...I wrote the LONGEST letters apologising to him, telling him I'd change and so on... I had a couple of times when it was due to a disagreement and I really thought I'd ruined the relationship, I had no appetite and stopped eating until we got back together, thinking that this would never happen... The last year was a lot better, we just got on with it, ended up living together at his mum's, his brother's, my mum's and we were talking about getting married and having kids. Despite the mess of him being unsure of his feelings etc etc, I was happy, I really was in love with him and I think I still am.

Well, he lost his job in July 2008, two months after I lost mine... He made very little effort to get a new job... I got a new job in December 2008 and (I was working at the Jobcentre) put a lot of effort into looking for new jobs and things that might interest him.. The reason he gave for his lack of motivation was wanting to join the RAF (he's wanted to since he was in school....a broken wrist in May 2007 set him back a year). Well we were stuck at my mum's...his mum didn't seem to like me and used to say nasty things behind my back and almost forced him to break up with me on several occasions, one time I ended up having a lengthy conversation about how it wasn't his mother's decision whether he wanted to be with me etc etc and that I wanted his decision etc etc... Lonnnnnnng story. We looked at an apartment we both really liked, got to the point of filling out forms to apply for it...but it was on the basis that he would get a full time job... He had a VERY part time one and seemed to expect me to support him.

I was still absolutely in love with him and thinking of leaving him made me depressed... It felt like I was throwing something good away over some very minor things...

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I'd been talking to Alex since 2006... We spoke on and off and he always made me laugh. We are both complete geeks and could talk for ageeeeeees about everything... Any issues I had I spoke to Alex about, he made me feel better... Most of the time from 2007 onwards, the issues were my (now ex) boyfriend... Alex told me to leave him...One occasion (I re-read our conversations recently) I had broken with Phil (ex) again over something stupid and Alex said "Good, you deserve better. Now DON'T go back to him! I've seen it happen before...He'll just do it again and make you feel bad..." I went back to Phil... And we stuck together for another year or so... He DID get better after the first few months of messing me about and I thought all the messing was worth it! I have a high threshold when it comes to things like this, I just deal with stuff...complain about it, but it doesn't get to me that much!!

I proposed to Phil in 2008 after we'd talked about getting married for so long but he couldn't afford a ring.. I gave him a ring and he said he did want to marry me, but he didn't want to tell people we were engaged...because he wanted to buy ME a ring...on the one hand I can understand that, but Alex wanted to tell the whole world when we got engaged!!! Even though we didn't even have a ring!

We'd also been talking about trying to conceive a baby in December 2009... Well earlier this year (I think, maybe December/January...) Phil set up a romantic evening, candlelit bath, drink (enough to get me jolly, but he didn't have any and neither of us were drunk)...He said we should just start there and then...so we had unprotected sex and then he changed his mind. It's very important to me and he KNEW that...but he said he wanted me to get the morning after pill because he was scared... So I did. It made me feel awful and that's probably one of the biggest reasons I finally did break up with him.

March 2009.. Alex and I start talking again. I have my new job and a steady and reasonable income... Alex starts talking about me going over to America (I was in the UK).. I said "Okay!" jokingly then we started thinking about it more seriously... Alex has always wanted me to come over here to the US, I've never had enough money or actually WANTED to.... Well I booked the flights. Phil was not happy with it (which made me get back into him a bit, because part of the reason I was feeling empty about our relationship was because I had lost a lot of respect for him...due to him not standing up for himself or me...ever!) but he said I should do it if it would make me happy....This is what I'd been looking for the entire relationship, him to actually consider my feelings and make it seem like he actually cared about me...It made me reconsider...But I still wanted to meet Alex and felt I needed to get away, at least temporarily. In part I just felt like I wanted to sleep with someone else and just have a 'fracture' of love from someone I could walk away from! It sounds horrible and selfish, but I was so empty and felt like Phil and I were just floating...I needed something more solid and Alex had always been very affectionate online...

Well I told Phil I wanted a break about a week before I came to the US. We still spent time together (probably a big mistake) and he dropped me off at the airport... If I remember correctly he kissed me before I left... It almost made me cry and I thought then "I want to come back to you..." We also had sex the night before I left and it was great! It felt passionate and exciting like it was right at the beginning, it made me doubt my decision and I thought "I'll go to the US, see what happens...but I'm coming back and I want to consider giving us another go..."...

I came out to the US, spent some time with Alex. We had some fun... I was due to go back home, but I didn't want to... I WANTED to, but I was afraid of the flight and regretting not staying once I got back to the UK and things went back to 'normal'... It was a mistake, I think now, but I did it.

Alex and I got engaged and married in the months following...but I still can't shake the feeling of my ex. I MISS him so badly sometimes, think back on things I really miss and don't get the same pleasures out of with my new husband...but I know I left Phil for a reason....that old, niggling part of my brain is still saying "Nah, it wasn't THAT bad, it wasn't worth throwing away the GOOD parts for..."... It's awful because Alex is EVERYTHING the 'perfect' guy should be... He's loyal, I trust him SO much more than I did Phil and he's more into being a supportive husband and father...I have my opportunity to make a business selling jewellery etc from home and we're currently NTNP - basically trying for a baby, it feels wrong though because everything's 'perfect' but I'm still not happy because the thoughts of my ex are still lingering... He's being an absolute bum, sleeping around and now has a new GF (one of two girls he slept with on the same night)...He's not the same person I fell in love with, but I still want the carefree feeling of being with him, us just having fun and being immature but in love. I know I'd feel a lot better about my current relationship with my ex out of the picture....it's making me sad at the moment because I can't fully commit myself to our relationship because I'm still clinging to my ex...

I haven't been home since I left in April...and I feel somewhat like I've betrayed people by leaving so suddenly. On the one hand I feel so much more independent about it because I can do what I want, run my own household and make my own decisions (my mother was/is a little stifling...) but I still feel bad for leaving so many people behind.. I wonder if maybe I needed to break PROPERLY with my ex and that's why I feel so bad. I think he's telling people, or letting them assume, that I went to America and broke up with him HERE for someone else....It doesn't feel finalised and I have so many things I want to say to him! I don't know what to do...

Blah! You can see I have a LOT to say on the matter...all this is swirling around in my head and although I could talk to Alex about it all, I don't really want to...because it will hurt him to know I still have feelings for my ex... Who is still being an a** so I shouldn't have feelings for!!!!

THANK YOU and WELL DONE if you made it this far...even skimming! Any advice because I feel stuck, like I need a really good pep talk to get me over this hurdle.... Do you think seeing my ex, or at least going home and clearing up everything else will make me feel better?

As I say we're NTNP/TTC right now and we're both not sure whether to wait until I've been home and seen friends and got things straightened out.. We both feel READY and like we really want a baby, but I just have these confusing emotions putting a dampener on everything. Alex knows...just not the details.

Thank you.

Phil has since revealed he actually has feelings, has told me a lot of stuff I wanted to hear while I was IN the relationship and even told me he didn't see a time of us not being together...he thought we'd get married, have kids and grow old together. Pity he couldn't express this while we were together.. :(

it was good idea to try some toys, it helps actually.

I read all this, the situation your dealing with seems similer to myne but I was one of the guys.

Im one of the two guys involved thought I was dating her for a breif period before hand she got intouch with me while she had a boyfreind so that would make me like "alex" she then went back to her old boyfreind, it was seriously guttering for me because he treated her like shit, like phil seems to do for you. The thing is you've got to do what makes you happy it's unfair on Alex if you secretly want to be with Phil, you've got to think to your self do you want to take the risk of loosing everything with alex, breaking his heart when all hes done has been there for you for a chance on phil who sounds to me like a selfish bum, what would you do if Phil doesnt change?

Nobody can help you with thie situation but your self, either way someones going to be hurt, you'll get with phil and still think of Alex i gaurentee that.

What a mess. Yes, clear things up. NO, don't get pregnant right now. You're too confused. That should only come when you're completely happy and stable.

Sadly my toys are all at home. :( ;)

Thank you for reading.. It is a mess and I'm getting sick of it. I feel like I miss all the things about Phil, but it's more of a friend thing..I'm losing a best friend..which may also be helped when I go back to the UK because all my friends are there and I can spend some more quality time with them in order to get over seeing Phil as my 'best friend'... That's the major thing - he was my best EVER friend, the best friend I ever had...but he made a shoddy partner looking at the whole picture...and I bet wouldn't have made a good father either, he still has a lot of maturing to do.

I was looking at phrases for a signature on another site, all about 'love'...I found a lot of them fit into how I used to feel about Phil and it just made me feel awful...thus when I posted this thread... "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" :( It just makes me think "I can't stop thinking about him, does that mean we're meant to be together?!" I think it's my fear of making a mistake, I don't WANT to let go of Phil, just incase, therefore I CAN'T let go of him even though I should.

I'm struggling to remember all the 'bad' things about Phil and my relationship, I can't outweigh the good things with the bad things because I can't remember them!! I'm usually quite a selfish person in a relationship, in terms of being jealous... I expected to feel completely and utterly jealous and heartbroken when Phil got a new GF, I actually just feel like I want him to be happy.

That to me shows I don't want to be with him!! I want everything I had with him but I don't want to be with him! But I'm struggling to make NEW things with Alex because I'm so hung up on wanting what I had with Phil...stuff with Phil that must have taken some time to click, I just don't remember that time...I just remember those feelings always being there. I made us into a 'team' in my head...an impenetrable team, together forever, we did everything together and we stood together, disliked the same personalities, had the same ideas for the future... We were a team and it's difficult for me to break that team apart in my head..especially having him telling me he still loved me up until recently... after I called him pathetic - he started telling me about all these women he slept with...which I DIDN'T need to hear and he called me a cow because I didn't want to hear it and he was threatening to kill himself etc etc....made me feel a lot better because I was cutting ties with him and it stopped him from telling me all that stuff... It did help me move on somewhat and I guess him too as he seems a lot happier and has stopped whinging about how 'depressed' he is/was...That makes me feel better, him being happy...I just don't fully believe it because this is a girl he slept with on the same night as another girl...his mother won't like her either (she tries to break up EVERY relationship that her 4 sons get into...EVERY one) because she's overweight... Just hope I've given him enough strength from our experiences to stick with this girl (if he really means it and wants to) when his mother starts on her.

I think we need to put off TTC until I've been home, it's difficult because it's something we both want so much...but my gut is telling me to wait.

Thank you... Feel free to add anything else, I find it easy to express lots of feelings, but difficult to assess them and figure out what they actually mean..