Printable View
my whole life i have always had the biggest heart.....and ive always been the nice guy, but that always results in me getting hurt, and nobody has ever seen me as more than a friend. but no matter what i do, i cant NOT be the nice guy, im compelled to be the epitome of "the nice guy".........what can i do? :(
Try to find a nice girl. Then you won't get hurt.
im not so sure they even exist, all the girls i have ever started falling for have been what i see as a nice girl, they even tell me things like im so amazing, my eyes are so beautiful, im too good to be real. yet none ever see me as more than a friend, one girl even told me that i was too perfect that she didnt want to risk losing me as a friend.
what can i do to to find someone who will actually want to be more than my friend, im 18 and im a freshman in college
I know how you are feeling, im the exact way. I just try to keep what i have, maybe try going out with nice girls that are not your friend, i mean like that you have not been friends with very long.
You are 18... your young..a nd your dating young girls... noone knows what they want yet. When you and the girls mature you will find the right one.
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with being nice. It's the best quality a guy can have. I agree with Madklown187 - you probably just haven't met the right girls yet.
When girls say they want a nice guy, they aren't lying. But that's similar to when a guy says I want to meet a girl with a nice personality.
Girls want guys that are confident, make them feel safe, and can take care of them (ambition/passion for what he does also helps!!). Luckily, most guys are like this, unfortunately they're not usually nice. If you have those traits and are nice, you're the perfect boyfriend.
On the flip side you have guys who say they want girls with nice personalities. The reality is that they want girls who are hot and have a nice personality cuz most hot girls are boring.
I'm not sure if I was ranting or gave actual advice but I hope this helps.
I'm going to assume that you're fairly young, perhaps 22 (as in your screen name?), perhaps even younger. Well. that's a good thing. You've realized the penalty for being a nice guy early enough that if you are careful, and if you act quickly, you might survive intact.
Well, mostly intact.
By the way, don't believe any of the ranting posts above-- nice guys are nice, girls all really want nice guys, etc., etc. That's all taken from a list of talking-points that women are issued about the time they get their adult teeth, and it's all bullshit.
Though it is true that girls want nice guys. You've found that out already. Girls want nice guys to be the shoulder they cry on when their "secure, self-confident" boyfriends screw them over; and they want nice guys to hold their coats and answer their phones while they do the bedroom bounce with their "assertive" boyfriends. Nice guys are also useful, you will find, as kicking-dummies for all the vicious emotional karate that girls like to practice, but are unwilling to use on their chosen bad boys. And nice guys occasionally make good pets for the really hot girls. But hot girls never let their pets sleep on the bed.
Anyway, my point is that you've diagnosed your illness just in time, and you have a chance to cure it before it finishes you. The cure is, of course, to stop being a nice guy. Practice being a not-nice guy. Kill the cute little rascal in you, and bury him at a crossroads at midnight during the dark of the moon. Throw away all your silly notions of chivalry, courtesy, benevolence, and common decency. They have no use in the real world. You do, of course, have to remember how to pretend to courtesy, decency, etc., but you have to be very, very careful not to let the pretense interfere with your "confident, assertive, secure" approach to things.
So, good luck-- you'll need it. I know that it took me the better part of a decade of diligent work to kill or contain the last bits of my unfortunate niceness. But perhaps starting on the job younger, as you can do, will give you an advantage. Your nice guy may not be as deeply embedded as mine was.
Look, you're 18 and most colleges just started. So you're in your first semester of what will be 4, maybe 5, years of unadulterated experimentation. Don't have any ridiculous ideas about your 'fate' with women based off what you've experienced so far, since you, quite honestly, haven't experienced anything at all.
What I can tell you is this: Put yourself first. A lot of "nice guys" think the world owes them something for their behavior and thats the wrong attitude to have. Anything you want in life you have to earn, and people won't give you whats yours just because you 'deserve' it, you have to be willing to take it.
If you do all the right things to get what you want and then cry when you don't get it, you'll set yourself up for a lifetime of perpetual misery. Fight for what you want.
What does that mean for you, practically? Don't prostrate yourself before women. By being 'nice' for girls don't do everything they want, don't give up your time and services easily, don't be there for her all the time even though she will barely do anything for you. Relationships are two way streets, and if you let people walk all over you, at the end of the day all you will be to them is a doormat.
So in these next four years, do a couple things:
1. Work out. Get in shape, build the body that displays confidence and attracts people. It will help you make friends at the gym, and you will feel more confident about yourself.
2. Know your worth. Don't think that because you have all these qualities others will treat you according to your value, people will treat you how you let them. If you let people walk all over you, all the nice deeds in the world won't undo it. So when a girl you barely talk to calls you out of the blue to help drive her to xyz place just because you have a car, tell her you're busy. You work to earn others time and attention, and they should do the same for you.
3. Let go of overly touchy-feely behavior. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your emotions, but to some people certain emotions are like a drug and they are a negative spiral. I see it in friends who were addicts, I see it in friends who are 'hopeless romantics' (even though the only thing hopeless about them is their unwillingness to change). You need to have strong control of your emotions and be confident. Don't seek other people's approval for your behavior. Do things because you want them, not because people allow you.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."
-Saint Francis of Assissi
I also have the same exact same problem. The lesson I learned is that while being nice is good and many people will appreciate you for being nice to them, it's just not enough when it comes to attracting beautiful women.
When it comes to attracting beautiful or cute women, I think that being only nice to them is not enough. You need to be confident in yourself, you need to be slightly good-looking, you need to have enough money, you need to be a bit muscular and in good-shape and you need to know how to develop interesting or funny conversations with women.
Except of being nice to girls and to people in general, none of the other qualities I mentioned do I possess and that is why I fail.