Tough Dilema

Ok so my first relationship was a long distance one, it started out online. There was no intention of ever having an online relationship, but I just got chatting with someone and over a couple of months started to develop feelings for her, she felt the same. It was tough because we both knew the chances of things working out were slim, but with the year we had I suppose it made things easier as we both had problems, I felt bullied at School (Sixth form to be precise), she had problems with her mother who's an alcholic, she was the only person I've ever really been able to open up to. I'm extremely bad with sharing emotions with people and can't even talk to my parents about simple things like girls, how I'm feeling when someone's passed away, etc. But I could open up to her as I developed feelings for her. We helped eachother through the bad times really as they were both pretty intense for us, I'd say I was depressed.

It lasted about 7-8 months, we tried to break things off 2 or 3 times, but our feelings for eachother would slowly build up and we'd end up talking how we used to. It was one of those chat sites, like the games or whatever, me and her added eachother on msn, but added another person aswell, we got on really well like, obviously hadn't met or anything, but we'd spend hours talking to eachother on msn in like a 3-way conversation, was just a good laugh. But the other person also had feelings for her, but was quite obsessive. Asked her things constantly that he had no right to ask, just generally pestered her and really upset her. In the end it caused her to do something extremely stupid and eventhough I sort of understand why she done it and have told her I forgive her, I still can't let it go. This boy had attempted to commit suicide once before, he'd mentioned it a few times and how he nearly did once but we stopped him from doing it (we didn't have a clue, it was just generally one of those chats you have with someone to make them feel better), she knew that because he knew what it was like to want to commit suicide, it'd hurt him a lot. So she told me, not in so many words, but hinted to it, that she was going to commit suicide. I think that afternoon was the worst afternoon I've ever been through, I was shaking and really thought I was going to lose her. After an hour or so of not being able to talk to her I managed to get through to her mobile finally and "talk her out of it", we talked for a good couple of hours. I told her how much I loved her and that she still had me and her family to live for, but after talking I found out that she just faked it. She wasn't going to, what she wanted to happen was for me to get extremely worried and tell the boy exactly what effect he'd had on her. He was a basterd, don't get me wrong, everything he done was out of greed, jealousy and obsession, but he didn't deserve that. When she told me I was shocked, I didn't say much to her, I swept away my feelings from it and told her I understood why she done it, that I wanted to be there for her. She told him in the end that she nearly commited suicide as I couldn't, it was one big mess. She didn't have a clue as to what she was doing. Later that night I just burst out into tears, frustration and anger, I'd told her how I felt, that I felt I nearly lost her and how much it hurt. She was terrified she'd lose me, which led to me trying to calm her. I was qutie immature at the time in that I wouldn't take time for myself, to let things heal up or get over them, I'd just bottle my feelings up and get on with it.

We managed to get everything sorted out through that Summer, she was going to Uni once Summer had ended. I made regular trips to her Uni, about once a month for about 4-5 days a time to see her. It was feelings like a proper relationship now as we'd managed to find a way of making things work. But over time I started to feel like I didn't love her, the feelings I used to feel for her went away. I never felt the butterflie in my stomach that I used to (I know that sounds stupid, but it's hard to explain lol) or the excitement with her. I felt as if I didn't love her, but I hid that feeling away, like ignored it and tried to fix things, but the feelings have always stayed the same since. We broke up through the Summer due to not being able to carry things on. Now I've come to terms with the fact that I felt I didn't love her, it's been tough trying to get over her. Recently she's become rather close with a male friend of hers, she's always been close with him, only as friends, and I thought that something might happen which suprised me as it made me really jealous, after losing those feelings for her. I'm not sure why I was jealous, but I was. But one thing I've noticed is that I have no desire to get with other girls, even thinking bout starting a relationship with someone, I feel kind of guilty and start to feel a kind of warmth inside me I guess as I'm thinking about her again and trying to get things back together. But there's still times where I feel practically nothing for her, it can last a day or two, and then these feelings for her pop up again. They're nothing like they used to be, I used to feel everything under the sun and was probably a bit infactuated with her, not fully, but still a bit, the lust, the whole heart skipping a beat and all that bollocks. I look at her and I don't really feel anything for her now, but when I start to think about having a relationship with someone else, I just stop, I can't like I used to, because I start thinking about her.

I'm not sure if it's love or what anymore, I've not beens sure for a very long time. Now I know if I loved her then why would I doubt it all the time? You know, you'd know if you did. But everytime I agree with myself that I don't love her, that I have no feelings for her, just that warmth for her comes up, a a feeling that makes me feel I could go the rest of my life with her.

But I've also come to the conclusion I may be gay, which has made things ten times harder. I've always had feelings for men, never acted on them really and always discouraged them, but they've been there. When I meet new people, like in College, I tend to talk to some men more than others because I think they're good looking, I don't have any sexual feelings towards them, but I know I'm talking to them because of their looks at the same time. I've started to become attracted to men, well I've been attracted to men for a long time and used to think about being with a man, but that was when I was younger, and like I said, I've always discouraged those feelings. But now I feel I'm gay, I think to myself how can I love her? But then at the same time I've also been attracted to women for my whole life and I still I am, all the little things like checking out a girls bum when she walks by, or her legs, thoughts about having sex with another girl, not anything substantial, like love, just purely because I'm attracted to them. With my ex, she always could turn me on. I loved it when she'd dress up a bit for me, heels, stockings, things like that, as well just her without anything on, no extra encouragement like.

So I feel I maybe Bisexual, but this feeling I've had for men confused me quite a bit. I know in the past she's done wrong to me, she's not made a habbit of it, it was only once she's ever done something like that over the 2 years I've known her, she's apologised for it, we've discussed it before in an argument where I brought that up and she really hates herself for doing that to me and to be fair to her since then she's been one of the most amazing girls I could've asked for, always there for me, cares for me, tries to protect me when another bloke may have started on me, she always goes to me for help.

I want to get back with her, but I'm still confused as to whether or not I love her. I mean I know love should be tat obvious, but sometimes it can be sitting infront of you and you just don't realise it, maybe I'm expecting to feel far too much for her? I don't know, I've never spoken to anyone about her before as like I stated earlier on, I'm really bad with that sort of thing. Plus my friends don't really have any more experience than I do.

Sorry if I've not really made it clear as to what I want you to reply to, I guess part of me writing here has been to try and get it off my chest, but get it all off my chest where I know I can't be judged and can tell everything. I know I'm young, I'm 18 going on 19 in a couple of months and have my whole life ahead of me, plenty more fish in the sea and all that jazz. But I'm not one to give up on a relationship that easily, I know it's my first one and I maybe a bit inexperienced, but I have feelings for her, I know that, I'm just generally confused if it's love or not as stated above, if it is then I can't imagine myself with someone else, I mean how can I love someone else and love her at the same time? I know with it being my first relationship, proper one that some of it would usually be brought down to jus being young and immature, but my thinking about it, my mum has only ever loved one person and that's my dad, he was her first relationship and they've been together for 25 years and are still happily married. I know just because it happened to my mum it won't mean it'll be the same for me, but my point in saying that is that just because she's my first relationship it doesn't mean that it's purely just immaturity.

A lot to read, sorry about that lol.

I think that when your near her, your conscious is telling you that she is gunna hurt you again, that you should keep your distance and forget about her. But you just don't realize it. I say you should give it some time, clear your head, sort out your emotions. Figure out if you truly are gay or bi or straight and act from there.

I think you should broaden your horizons a bit before deciding she's the one you really want. You're young. Experiment.

I've thought about that, but it's long distance. I don't mind going through a long distance relationship, I've adapted to it and look forward to the next time I go there, but if things don't go how I plan, and she is the one I really love, what happens if the distance is too much for her? As in say it's been a year or so, I've managed to see her last year due to being in College. This year I'd be able to see her as I'm in another year of College, but next year I've got to start full time work which means if I were to be with her I'd have to move to where she is for the last year of her Uni. I wouldn't mind that at all, but I want to be sure about my feelings for her and I can't move down unless it's a mistake. Nor would I be able to decide that I want to be with her next year after using this year as a year of well finding out as it'd be harder for to just cope with that pressure.

@FoS, when I'm with her I feel the opposite infact. I don't want to push her away for any reason, it's when I think back to what she done I can't really get over it like I've been able to get over other things due to me not allowing myself time to get over. When you have an argument someone you just need the space, you need to feel angry and you need to hear them fully explain themselves. Something that had a similar effect on me before has happened but we talked about and I feel so much better about it, don't feel angry when I look back on but maybe love? Or sympathy for her that she's got to live with doing it to me, but with this, I feel angry, I know she feels bad about and has apologised, but because I didn't take the time I needed I look back on it and feel angry and betrayed rather than feeling as if I'm over it as I have done with other issues before.

Sounds like you just need more time to think about it, and let that mistake she made to blow over more. If your really feeling that way still just means it will take longer for the hurt to go away than previous things done to you or around you