Completely heartbroken...please help

Last year when I met kerstie, I really didnt like her at first, I mean like a girlfriend anyway. Very nice and sweet person
but she reminded me of a little sister. She continued to text me and want to hang out, but I just was not interested.
I was dating other girls at the time, and after they all failed, I decided to give her another chance.
I did, and instantly started to really like her, I still wasnt that attracted to her, but we got along so great.
After hanging out for about a month, we became exclusive. I really started to care about her so much.
We had so much fun together, and she seemed so in love with me, and before I knew it, I loved her too.
She wanted to spend so much time with me, i could tell she wanted to move in with me.

SO we moved in together, everything was pretty great for awhile, even tho we occasionally faught.
I always thot I would be the one to truelly hurt her, cuz I felt she loved me more than I loved her.
I was selfish and a bad boyfriend towards the end, although she was very clingy and somewhat controlling.

We broke up at a show, i pretty much broke it off with her. I felt it was the right thing to do and honestly
i was excited to try something new and meet new people. I could tell she wanted to still be with me, but i
decided against it, cuz there was something inside of me that wanted to just have fun with other girls I guess.

A few weeks later, I missed her so much, and I wanted to get back together.

By then she didnt feel that way, she wanted a break from me, and it was the hardest thing ever to deal with.

I was so heartbroken, and I missed seeing her everyday, cuz now I only saw her maybe once a week.

We continued to fight cuz she would not get back together with me, eventually we stopped talking.

Three weeks later, after visiting both my parents and going through a really bad depression..

I came back to my apartment to find a note on my door, from her..

She said she missed really bad, and if I wanted to be with her, then to prove it.
Immediatly I called her, and she came over that night.
We talked, hugged, kissed, and got back together that night.

I thot everything was perfect again, I was so happy and all the lonliness I had was gone.
She was the part of my heart that was missing. I loved her so much and I felt like it was meant to be again.

I started to be the controlling one tho, i felt like she broke my heart so bad, I couldnt deal with it again,

I needed her to prove to me that she really did love me as much as I loved her, but she just wouldnt
she was very distant even tho she would tell me she loved me and wanted to always be with me.

A month later, I could tell it was coming, she broke it off with me...

I was so completely shattered again, I drank everynight that first week, and just cried myself to sleep.
I woke up one morning so depressed I literally wanted to kill myself, I dealt with the pain all day till
eventually I had to go to the emergency room.

They gave me some ativan to calm me down and give me a 10 pill prescription.

That was the last night I talked to her for 2 and half weeks.

During that time I moved back home to wyoming and started working, and I thot everything was goin be okay
I was still so depressed but working was keeping my mind off it, but I was still drinking very heavy.

Every morning after drinking, I was very sick and severely depressed.

one night I drank so much, I called her...

Not a good idea,I was heartbroken cuz she didnt want to talk to me, and she hung up on me.

I continued to drink and drink till now im going through the worst depression of my life.

Im quitting drinking, and goin seek some serious counseling, and possibly take anti depressants.

Tell me if this is a good decision, I have suicide thoughts constantly and have never been more sad in my life.

I need help, I dont know if Ill ever be okay...I miss her more than anything in the world.

sorry this was so long

Dude, I'm really sorry...looks like this really hit you hard.

You are doing some of the best things you can like seeking counseling. Try to get that drinking out of there as well and surround yourself with some positive support (family, close friends). Don't talk or think of her...just cut her out of your life.

Hey Space,

Sorry that your going through such a rough breakup right now, its very difficult and I can see your feeling heart broken and huge guilt for how things went on. I see orginally you broke it off with her and I'm guessing your feeling really guilty by that, I did the same thing with my Ex, I thought it be better to cool it for a little and she ended up with someone else and I realised all too late how I felt, it was way too late by then. That's a hard realisation, but I come to conclusion there are only so many times you can beat yourself up over it, as much as we would like to be able to change the past we cannot, we can only go forward.

I think talking about your problem indeed helps, be it a counseling session, a good friend or close family member. Venting your problems on these forums too helps. Just to get the problem out is a good first step. I made the drinking mistakes too, in my case Txt'n her and drinking so much I was passing out from it. The following days hangovers put you in such a deep depression though I could barely function so I realised I had to stop that, I'm glad you come to the same decission to quit the drinking, its really important to stop. I was just running the same things over and over in my head, believe me it doesn't help and makes you 10times worse.

The only thing I can say is that things will start to get better for you in Time, the problem with Time is it takes time. You need to cut her out of your life, remove all her phone numbers, Emails, Facebook or whatever else exists. Only then can you really start to get beyond things, I took up mountain biking and getting yourself exhusted does kind of help, focus on yourself and eventually she will start to fade. Its by no means easy, but a gradual process.

Remember you will be OK again but you need time to get things sorted out in your head, give yourself the time you need, try keeping busy, keep talking about it, get it all out of your system.

Goodluck.

Sorry you're going through this. It really sucks to feel that way. I really think you should seek professional counseling to help you get through it---sometimes talking to friends and family is not enough...

Yes, get counselling.