Can't Let Go, But it Hurts to Hold On
Okay, sorry guys. This is going to be a long one.
First, I'd like to give in to my very insecure nature and explain some of my relationship history with my current beau in order to (perhaps) not come off as a complete psychopath (I'll attempt to make this short):
- We saw each other (VERY off and on) for a couple of years. I met him through a boyfriend, he was always in the back of my mind and I often used him as a tool to get out of relationships I felt were going stale which I had not the courage to end on my own (including the aforementioned one with the original introducing boyfriend).
- He was almost five years older than me and a very successful, well-informed university student. I felt very, very intellectually inferior to him, and he was the type of knowledgeable guy who had no problem letting me know exactly how inferior I was (many occasions of, "How do you not know that?!"). Admittedly, I allowed him to treat me this way, but it was because I respected his informative nature and just felt that, in light of my own ignorance, he had the right to treat me this way. It was the way in which I pictured myself scoffing at someone who I considered less bright than myself. (Believe me, I know exactly how conceited that sounds :( , blech.)
- During this time, he would often bring up other girls, but would consistently lead me on with the idea that there was something "special" about me, even though he had a habit of only calling me when he was drunk, often going home with other girls right in front of me, calling me obsessive, etc.
- This past Fall, I finally began to stick up for myself and demand a certain kind of treatment. I told him of my plan to go off to university and finally cut these toxic ties with him
- Naturally (as the law of "want what you can't have" would dictate), this spurred him into pursuing a relationship with me. I was incredulous and hesitant at first, I had never pictured myself trying to date this guy, for obvious reasons. We'd never had sex, so there wasn't that high level intimacy to hold on to or anything...
SO!
At first, needless to say, things were pretty rocky. I had a hard time making demands of him, as I was so used to letting him walk all over me, and was really just waiting around to see if he'd screw things up. I didn't even think he'd tell his friends we were dating, and still sort of had him on a pedestal in my mind.
To my great surprise, here we are nine months later. I ended up going to a different university to be near him, we were planning to live together, but all the while there have been these excruciating insecurities.
I can't seem to let the past go, and even when I try, any hint at an issue that could possibly relate to something in the past (e.g. mentioning that I think he's being dishonest or not telling the whole story) throws him into a total fit about how I'll never trust him, things aren't worth pursuing, he's tried so hard to change, etc., etc..
Then, on my end, I'm jealous of EVERYONE. He talks about a girl at work who's bilingual or has good taste in music, or a girl at the gym who's good at a certain technique he appreciates and I just freak out. I know that this stems from such a lengthy period of time during which I placed myself in a subordinate position to him, and allowed him to see whomever he wanted, was at his beck and call... but I can't help but wonder if it's something we can overcome. I just keep thinking that he'll find someone better suited to his needs, but in the next moment I'm thinking I should be working on finding someone better for MY needs! I mean, seriously, my issues with him do have legitimacy in their own context. I don't know if I SHOULD let them go.
Furthermore, any time we try to work through this stuff lately it just seems to end in silence from him. He's working on his Master's while I'm here finishing my BA, so we're both extremely busy. He just seems too tired and fed up to even try to talk things through with me anymore. BUT when it comes down to the argument, he's the first person to bring up a zillion things he resents about ME.
I think I'd break things off and suggest that he and I take some time to grow out of our insecurities alone, but I'm so afraid. Not only of losing someone that I truly respect as an equal in many ways, but also of being in complete solitude in a new place. We already decided not to live together for the time being, but now he has this choice to just drop me off at my place any time he doesn't feel like working stuff out, and the loneliness is paralysing. He lived here for four years doing his BA, thus, he has a whole social network to fall back on. I'm in a new city where I know maybe two people, and not nearly intimately enough for this sort of discussion. I didn't think this would be an issue until I realised just how busy everyone at home gets and just how forgettable that person out of town becomes.
Shit... I'm sorry. This really turned into just a huge rant, but I'd appreciate any insight whatsoever.
Thanks.
