I am in love with a married woman. Will she be with me?
This is a bit of a long story, but please read the whole thing before commenting.
We first met in our teens. I had the hots for her in a major way... and she felt the same way for me. The problem, neither of us was brave enough to tell the other how we truly felt inside. We spent many of our teenage years spending time together... a LOT of time together. We have the same sense of humor. The same corny perspective on life. And we couldn't get enough of each other. We had such a close bond I can't even begin to tell you... but unfortunately for the both of us it never got past that.
Eventually, my parents moved the family away and we stopped talking. We pretty much fell out of contact completely. This hurt us both deeply, but as I said before, we never took the opportunity to profess our love for each other so how would we have known how the other felt?
Years later she called me and I was in the middle of a relationship. It ended up being a very brief phone call. I thought to myself... "I am in a relationship and would love to leave it for her." But again, neither of us spoke up and we missed the opportunity to have each other again.
Throughout the years I have thought of her constantly. She was, and always has been, the girl of my dreams. I married... but about a year ago things really started to fall apart. I thought "My marriage is ending, I have had my dream girl in my heart for so many years and I couldn't take it any more." I decided I would reach out to her and finally tell her how I feel. I searched high and low for the girl I have always longed for... the girl of my dreams. I finally found her on myspace. But to my utter disappointment I discovered that she was now married with 2 children (now aged 3 and 1).
We started talking anyway... It was like we picked up right where we left off like we hadn’t missed a beat. We spent so many hours, days, weeks, and months talking about our lives… filling in the missing time. We also finally admitted how we felt for each other. And to the surprise of both of us... the way we still felt for each other. The both of us spent all of these years longing for each other. But only now in this precarious situation did we finally learn of our true feelings. We had a very deep and long cry together. I wanted to hold her so badly…
Since she is married with children it seemed obvious that we could not be together. She is happily married and I didn’t want to compromise that. We decided we could at least remain friends. Right around the same time, my wife and I also decided to give it another shot right. My dream girl and I stayed in contact for several months. We talked regularly, and met on a few occasions.
Not long after though, my wife found out how deeply this friendship went. She discovered some correspondence my dream girl and I shared... professing out feelings to each other. She demanded that I cut ties with her. To the pain of both me and my dream girl, we agreed that it would be the best thing to do for both of our marriages. We shared another painful moment together. And up until about a week ago, we kept to that agreement.
It has now been almost a year since my wife and I decided to give it another try. I have been trying my hardest to reconnect with my wife... to do the right thing. But no matter how hard I try, my heart reaches out to my dream girl... longing for her. I don't know how I can continue with my wife while hiding these feelings, but I push on the best I can.
My dream girl sent me an email to see if we could remain friends… but I knew this would be very difficult to talk with my wife about. My dream girl and I agreed to meet for lunch one final time last Wednesday. It was at this lunch that we professed our love to each other once again... with neither of us able to even touch our food. We conveyed our sincere disappointment at our life's circumstances. She then told me that it is killing her that she cannot have me... even as a friend. And after that she told me that if she can't have me as a friend that she wants to have ALL of me. She told me how badly she wants to be with me... but is so conflicted over her situation at home. She asked if she could kiss me... and I said yes.
We found a place with some privacy and kissed. This was easily the BEST, most passionate kiss I have ever felt in my entire life. It is the kiss that we always wanted to share. Almost an hour later we calmed down... and just sat and held each other and talked for another hour.
Later, we sadly parted ways.
That night I got into a bad fight with my wife. She had stumbled across the “let’s be friends” email and was very upset. Knowing the agony I had been through over the past year in not being able to give myself fully to my wife, knowing the feelings I had inside for my dream girl, and knowing what I had just done, I didn’t feel I could stay with my wife. We separated again the next day.
*** Last night ***
I called my dream girl to tell her what had happened. She invited me out to dinner and I agreed. We had a wonderful conversation. Again going over the frustration of the situation. We also had a chance to talk about the kiss. We talked so long that the restaurant closed and she invited me to her house. Her husband works the night shift and no one was home.
We sat on the couch and held each other. We joked around like we always do. We played with each other and teased each other. But then the conversation got serious again. She told me again she wants to be with me… but is understandably unsure for so many reasons
- what to do with her children
- wondering if I am really serious about her after so many years had passed
- am I just trying to play her
- she does love her husband… but knows she would be MUCH happier with me
- is it too selfish of her to end her happy marriage to enter into the marriage of her dreams… but at the sacrifice of the happiness of her children and husband
I did everything I could to reassure her that I would be a good man for her and her children. She looked at me and told me that “I had better be for real”. With that she turned the lights down low and started to kiss me again. The situation got hotter and hotter. We were just about to have sex when she stopped.
We talked more and cried. This situation is so frustrating for the both of us. Part of me thinks I should leave her alone… but she doesn’t want me to. She says she needs time to think things over and I told her that would be fine.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I wept as I went to sleep. I woke up shaking and in a sweat 4 or 5 times in the night. I was miserable. It was the same scenario this morning. I ended up calling off from work because of the pain I feel.
Here comes the question:
I don’t know what to do about this. I want her in my life so badly. I want her to be mine, and me to be hers. I hurt so badly inside that I can’t have her. I have thoughts wondering if she is just stringing me along now… just keeping me around long enough to let her heart settle and finally be able to let me go. But she says she is still undecided if she will leave her husband to be with me.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My body aches all over. I long to hear her voice all day. I just don’t know what to do about this.
Is there anything I can say or do to make her mine? What is the likelihood of her leaving her family? I just don’t want to be kept waiting for weeks/months/years while she decides what to do.
God help me.
