I think I have reached one of those pivotal moments in which all the information you've known all along finally coalesces into something that is finally capable of being stated and suddenly makes sense of everything else that has happened in life up to that point -- voilà an epiphany.
Due to my upbringing, my sexual orientation, and other factors in life... I had managed to become alienated from my own gender while growing up. Thus missing out on learning how to act appropriately for a woman of western culture. I had taken an affinity toward male 'culture' while growing up, but knew I didn't belong there either, and more or less, alienated myself, probably due to respect or more likely... intimidation.
I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, because I missed out on learning my assigned role in society. Trying to form some sense of identity in an unassigned role is nerve-wracking. My ambiguous sexual orientation did little to help.
This in turn affected my relationships with women who were seeking a female with more masculine characteristics... only to be disappointed that I could not be their "male substitute" when the wear and tear of life made my 'weaker' side more apparent. This led to me feeling inadequate... essentially a victim of a very cruel joke.
With relationships with men, I subconsciously rebelled against their behavior toward me for it felt disingenuous or like they were forcing me to be something else -- not realizing they were merely following how they were taught. It never occurred to me that I was included with other females as far as men were concerned.
I never felt special... just different. Separate of everything. An outsider looking in.
I wonder how often does this happen in western society? What are the consequences to an individual?