Relationship Problems

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09-10-09, 06:44 AM
bluespire

Relationship Problems
My wife and I have been married for about 2.5 years. We have no children, but are trying now. I believe we have a, generally, happy life together. We enjoy each other’s company, so long as neither of us is pissed at the other at the time, which is where the problem lays.

Since we have been married, I have never once said to my wife that I didn’t want to be with her. She can make me made sometimes, and I have voiced to her what it is that makes me mad, but I do not hold grudges, and I don’t let anything get to me for more than 5 minutes, usually. The problem is that my wife has said, usually out of anger, that she feels unhappy with me.

I really don’t get how she can feel that way. Here is what usually happens when an argument spawns:
1. She mentions something like my weight, going to the gym, helping around the house, or not spending enough time with her.
2. I say that I am working on my weight (I try to). She knows I go to the gym, but wants me to work harder on it. I do the dishes, laundry, etc, but I am apprehensive about doing improvements (crown molding, yard work). I am on a swing shift (3pm-11pm), I promised to give her my weekend days to her (this was after a big fight that she threatened divorce over).
3. She complains to me about the above, I either take or I bring up the little things that annoy me to death that she does (I have tried both ways, and the outcome of the argument is the same).
4. She gets more and more pissed as she complains.
5. She then is so mad, that she storms out the room, clams up, does not talk to me, and does not want to be around me.
6. I am left feeling like crap, yet have been painted as the criminal.
7. I then have to be the one to get communication started again, as she will brood indefinitely (AFAIK) on the issue. There is no winning in the argument. They always end the same way.
Now, here is what I don’t understand. If, during a calm time, I bring up the problems I have with her, the above happens. It’s not like I just come up to her and say “you annoy me because . . .” No, I use every technique that I learned in my personal communication classes.

She has threatened divorce twice in the last year. The last fight was just a few weeks ago. We got through the argument ONLY because of me. I got her to finally tell me that she did still love me, and that I would try my best to be better for her.

When I promised her my weekends, I figured that we could at least go do a few joint outings with my friends (family oriented events), as I will never see them if I don’t find some time to see them on the weekends. I figured the group outing would be fun. Apparently, I was mistaken about how she felt about the situation. She was feeling forced into the situation. I can understand that, as I do feel I badger her into saying ‘yes’ sometimes, but I feel that if she doesn’t go, she doesn’t have much of a life outside of the house. I just don’t get how she can be happy watching TV all day after work. I can’t stand watching much on the TV, yet she wants me to spend time with her (when she is watching TV).

If she is not going to do anything I’m interested in, then why should I put up with her TV? We try to do things together outside of the house, but apparently that is not enough. She says we seem too much like roommates.

Thankfully, we handle our money well. Neither of us has a huge sexual drive, but I do wish she would do more in bed (I’m not asking for anything more than she has been willing to do before). She rarely initiates foreplay, even when she is in the mood for sex. That really bugs me, because sometimes I am tired, but would be more than willing to get into the mood if she starts. We really do not have a lot to be stressed over, I feel.

After the last major argument, I have picked up some more slack around the house. Missed an outing with my friends on my day off on Monday to be with her (Monday was promised to be my day from two arguments ago, so I hope she sees the significance in that). I also brought up both of us seeing a marriage counselor to work out any problems we have. She keeps saying that she does not think counseling will help, but I think she might be agreeable, so long as I am the one to pull all the leg work.

There really is a lot more to the story, but I am having trouble trying to coordinate all my thoughts into something more coherent. So, I am going leave you all with what I have here, and will add more as the comments come along.

So, with all that, the questions are: What do I do to ensure my marriage lasts? Does it sound like she is really unhappy? Is she the reasonable one, or am I? Who is at the most fault in all this? Do you think we can work through this?
09-10-09, 07:02 AM
Primo

It sounds like you're hitting a lull with each other and boredom is setting in. Having a child would definitely change that and bring alot of activity, but I think you both need to iron out your issues before that happens.

Do you go to the gym together? That might help motivate each other, you'll both look better and the increase in hormones you get when training won't hurt in the bedroom after you get home and maybe once in awhile she'll initiate the activity (keep in mind some women just never do that though).

Reading between the lines of what you wrote, it seems like you need to be the man of the house. It sounds like you're main purpose is to put a smile on her face. To be honest, women want a man who is in control, doesn't ask permission to do everything and can be a decision maker.

I don't think you're headed for divorce court just yet, but yes, things sound like they have to change or you will. Lay out a game plan of what you want and need to do, get her involved and go from there.
09-10-09, 08:36 AM
bluespire

Quote:

Originally Posted by Primo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It sounds like you're hitting a lull with each other and boredom is setting in. Having a child would definitely change that and bring alot of activity, but I think you both need to iron out your issues before that happens.

Do you go to the gym together? That might help motivate each other, you'll both look better and the increase in hormones you get when training won't hurt in the bedroom after you get home and maybe once in awhile she'll initiate the activity (keep in mind some women just never do that though).

Reading between the lines of what you wrote, it seems like you need to be the man of the house. It sounds like you're main purpose is to put a smile on her face. To be honest, women want a man who is in control, doesn't ask permission to do everything and can be a decision maker.

I don't think you're headed for divorce court just yet, but yes, things sound like they have to change or you will. Lay out a game plan of what you want and need to do, get her involved and go from there.

We used to go to the gym together. The problem right now is the damn swing shift that I am on. That will change next month. Swing shift completely sucks, and I think that is straining our relationship some. However, I don't like going to the gym with her that much, because she is in much better shape that I am right now, and she prefers to work out longer than I do. But then I am stuck at the gym with nothing to do (since I am exhausted or bored).

I am not the 'woman' of the house. We share responsibility, and I end up taking the larger share of dealing with external conflicts (dealing with billers, vendors, making appointments).

I like to make her happy. It feels like the romantic spark has dimmed quite a bit the last year, but I think a lot of that has to do with the crappy schedule. I did notice that I no longer buy flowers for her much anymore. I fully understand that that is my fault. They are just not as accessible where I live now, but they are available.

I think my biggest fault lately, has been badgering her into doing things she didn't want to do. She made that quite clear the in the last argument we had. I have a hard time seeing between a little apprehension of social events and completely not wanting to go. She does not show the difference well, and does not offer that the alternative (her staying home, alone, with the TV) will make her happy. Since she doesn't off that up, I keep thinking she will be miserable at home without me, as we already have plenty of "me" time for both of us.
09-10-09, 08:58 AM
bluespire

Cross-posting this from another forum where I am asking the same question.

Quote:

Originally Posted by top bloke [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you dont have kids and she is tearing you down then she is killing the marriage. You dont have kids so I would say to you think of getting rid of her and get someone who really loves you.Youll be doomed to this life forever if you have kids and you deserve better ..your a good guy.

Well, one of the problems here is that she is 30 and I am 25. If we completely wait until we work through our problems, then he chances of bearing children diminish, and that alone could cause more stress on the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hexaemeron [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She wants all the control. Unless she wants to relax the powergrap, I don't think this will end well, I'm sorry.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't want all the control. She defers quite a bit of that to me already. I think part of the problem is that, since I do have as much if not more control of our enviroment, that she doesn't want to be thought of as being around just to help maintain the household, but to also be important in my life. I try to make sure she feels that way by inviting her to any event I go to, but lately she just doesn't want to go to any of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreedomRing [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would hold off on the baby-making until u can both learn to communicate better...

You both seem to harbor some grievances with each other....a baby into the equation will likely not make that any better...how long did you date before hand? Was there always this struggle with communicating during the courtship??

The marriage counseling seems to be the only solution..

I'm looking into the marriage counseling. Even if she refuses to go, I will go by myself to see if there is any real difference I can make on my own. I am not going throw almost 5 years of my life out the window.

We were friends for about 6 months, dated for a year, engaged for a year, married for 2.8 years now.

Communicating actually got a lot better for a while. I frequently voiced to her that it drove me nuts when she stone-walled me, and how important communication is to the relationship if we want this to work. At some point, she stopped stone-walling me. She is still apprehensive about speaking to me when she is mad, but it does not take as much persistence from me to get her to talk back. Unfortunately, this does not always work over the phone.

Believe me, we are not wanting to have children to 'make' the relationship work better. We both know we would be better off separately w/o children, especially since she is foreign.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fiishh [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm sorry that this won't be very helpful but I always think it helps to hear from people in slightly similar situations. During arguments with my ex girlfriend (who I still love and am crazy about and who I think still loves me) she always reacted the way your wife did by over-reacting and then completely ignoring me for ages. It's really frustrating and even though it helped her it just made me feel worse and more resentful towards her for making me feel worse, is this how your wife makes you feel during arguments? Is there anything you have done in the past which could have made her extra insecure, because to me that's how she sounds, like she's insecure and she maybe doesn't want to admit it?

Have you talked to her about this? My girlfriend threatened to leave me many times before we actually did split up, I know that must not sound very reassuring because she left me but I know that she still loves me and I think she left me because of a mistake of my own. Maybe your wife thinks the only way to get you to understand her is making you fear losing her, I know it's not a good thing to do but maybe she doesn't realise how it affects you and maybe she just gets like how my girlfriend got and over-reacts and when she calms down realises how badly she reacted?

I really hope she is not insecure. I brought this up in the last fight we had. I asked her if she though I would be a bad father, but she never answered the question, and I didn't push for an answer at the time.

I really don't want her using the divorce factor to try and keep me. I really don't want to leave her. I have never broken up with any woman, because I am willing to try and make things work to the very end, but several of my GFs broke up with me, over what I though were stupid reasons. So I am not sure if there is something inherently wrong with me that women do not like.