Girlfriend lost all interest when I moved in

Hi everyone, new here and going through a rough patch and just trying to find people to listen or help make sense of what's going on.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half (I'm 26, she's 24 next month). In that time things have been mostly good. We've had our arguments but always had open discussion and could generally find some resolution.

This last August her roommate of 5 years moved out. She and I had been anticipating this for some time as an oppurtunity to try out living together, and when the roommate's plans became final (in June) we decided we'd go for it. At the time, we were both cautiously optimistic but she communicated a bit more enthusiasm to me about the idea. The plan was I'd move into her place, as it's in a great location and has absurdly low rent, even though it meant a big move across town for me and a longer commute.

The first week or so in September when I moved in was wonderful in all respects. Then I went home to visit family for 10 days and when I came back something had changed. To make a long story short, she seemed to have lost all attraction and romantic attachment to me. The first time I brought it up (a little over a week ago) she said she was very stressed (she upped her work schedule and is busy with school classes too, not to mention whatever adjustment to my moving in) and I know she sometimes deals with stress by getting a bit detached... she said maybe she felt a bit cramped and I figured I'd give her space...

It's been two and a half weeks now that I've been back and the situation just seems to be deteriorating. I was eventually getting bitter and passive aggressive, so we had another talk and she admitted she just doesn't have any feelings for me right now - she still feels "bonded" but in a more brother/sister way; no physical attraction or real desire to be affectionate, but it would "devastate" her if I went out of her life completely (I remember saying similar things to an ex when I knew we'd break up). Most significantly, rather than treating this as a problem we need to fix, her attitude is that she doesn't see her feelings ever changing, and that I shouldn't hold out any hope for them to.


I've been in several relationships, been left before and I understand feelings change, but the suddenness of this and the lack of any clear reason (not to mention the terrible timing, just after I make a big inconvenient move) makes it very frustrating and heartbreaking. After we talked the other day, she came back and said she'd thought about things some more and thinks it was just far too early for her to have me living in, and she does "want to make things work" and thinks my moving out (which I'd already brought up) may be our best hope.

Has anyone been through something similar, or done something similar to a loved one, or shed any light on this at all? I see a very good therapist who says everything about this looks like a knee-jerk emotional overreaction, and I shouldn't expect her to be rational until it passes. That's not to say that I should wait expecting for her to love me again, but that I need to give it time before thinking we can discuss things rationally - I shouldn't necessarily trust what she's saying right now or her analysis of herself.

At this point I'm honestly not expecting a real resolution to happen, but I know I want to avoid executing an immediate emotional reaction of my own (right now my emotions are telling me "she's crazy, get out now and sever"). The backup plan for me is to look for a new place starting in December. Worst case, I leave then and we break up. Best case, she somehow snaps out of it, and then has an enormous amount of work to do if she wants to regain my trust.

Hope someone has an insight; sorry for the long post but even if noone reads this far I have a lot I need to get off my chest.

-D

Well, moving out is definitely priority number one. After that, though, I don't see it going anywhere. Usually when a girl has an abrupt change of feelings like that, there's someone else involved. Either that or the change has been coming for a while and you just didn't see it.

Is there any possibility that she wanted you to move in to fix something that was broken and it didn't work?

Thanks so much for reading and replying. Her seeing someone else was actually my first suspicion the other week (didn't mention this in the original thread for brevity). I was suspicious enough to check her found and found an unknown male name a couple times she said she was hanging out with a friend. That seemed like a smoking gun, so I confronted her and she denied, was upset for breaching her trust, etc, and was very reconciling (offered not to hang out with friends of friends if it would make me jealous/suspicious, etc). The possibility is still there but I've stopped considering it as I have no real way of finding out the truth anyway (especially now). I am a bit confused as to why she would cheat right when I move in, unless as an emotional "freak out," which is what I think is going on in any case.

As to fixing something broken, of course could be, but really nothing comes to mind. There was never any talk of issues between us that she hoped would fix/resolve if we just started living together. I guess it's possible she's been harboring something without telling me, and assumed it would go away when I moved in, and now that it hasn't it's a disaster in her mind.

Thanks for the advice about moving out. I'm not going to make an emotional decision and it would be hugely inconvenient to find a new place right now, so I don't really have a choice about this... we agreed that December is the best combination of (a) being convenient to move, and (b) having definitely given ourselves enough time to figure things out without being rash. If things get really really bad, worse than they are now, I suppose I may be able to move next month, despite it being a huge inconvenience.

When's the last time you helicoptered for her?

Really, I got nothin'.