Missed opportunity from 6 years ago comes back to haunt me...
I'll start from the beginning, just to give a better idea of where I'm coming from.
It's 2003, and I'm in my second year at a junior college. Most of my classes are hands-on and taken in a building dedicated gunsmithing, machine shop, and CNC classes: the Engineering building. It just so happens that one of the secretaries in the building has a younger sister, Heather who's in her Senior year at the local high school.
On her lunch breaks, she likes to come by and sit and chat with some of us students. Being that I was the closest to her age (I was 20 and she was 18.), I guess felt she could identify with me better, thus, more interested in me. On top of that, we even seemed to connect well.
Naturally, some of the other guys liked give me a hard time about stuff, and just give me some friendly ribbing. Heather apparently takes notice of how sometimes I'm bothered by it. One day, I make my way out to my truck for something, and she runs after me, tells me that she likes me, and doesn't care what the other guys say about me. The conversation goes on for a few minutes, and ends with her suggesting that we go to a movie or a football game sometime. Of course, I agreed that it would be a fun thing to do.
For some reason, though, the act of her making the first move put me off. It was just so unsatisfying that, without me even trying to start something with her, going out with her was in my grasp...without me even reaching. It didn't feel rewarding because I didn't do anything to earn it but just carry on casual conversations with her. I expected more effort to be required, like her playing hard to get.
Anyway, regretfully, nothing ever happened. Since I became instantly disinterested from her making the first move, I.......I just didn't feel like making an effort.
For whatever reason, I didn't think about her much up until the past few months. Of course, throughout the years, it sometimes crossed my mind what I passed up, but it never bothered me, and I never thought to try to establish contact with her.
Sadly, I could only remember her first name, but I knew enough of the details relating to her to find her last name. Not surprisingly, I find that she's already married. At this point, it hits me like a slab of concrete how badly I screwed up, and how much I passed up by not being proactive, and not following through. Even with my sudden lack of interest, it simply didn't make sense that I just didn't bother with her, anymore, because I enjoyed her company.
I've had a few crushes; I've been in love twice I've felt heartache like I never felt; and I've had my heart broken so badly that I even went so far as to get out my 1911 and put a clip in, but doing nothing more than holding in my hands, gazing at it.
In some ways, that situation was more hurtful than what I'm going through right now, but it was just the result of my brother have a 2-night stand with a female for whom I actually had feelings for (unlike him).
So, ultimately, it doesn't hold a candle to what I've been going through since Monday because my current state of misery is a result of an entirely avoidable mistake that I made six years ago. A mistake that wouldn't have occured if I just followed through, and took the next step.
As a result, my heartbreak is compounded by anger, frustration, confusion...remorse, hatred, and nostalgia. I passed up something so great, so wonderful, and I was just two years out of high school, just getting started in the real world. Like so many other people, I found someone wonderful while in college. I know it's rather presumptuous to talk like marriage was inevitable, but...looking back, I can see that there was definitely a strong romantic relationship in our future. They say that it's ideal for spouses to be best friends. Though we weren't best friends, I felt very comfortable around her. Not the least bit nervous. Undoubtedly, she felt the same way.
Unfortunately for me, I have a great long-term memory (except for her last name, but only because she mentioned it only once, in passing), and a vivid and extremely hyperactive imagination. So, naturally, it's pretty easy for me to play the events in my head, changing the course of things as I see fit.
Even with my imagination being the way it is, of all of the girls for whom I've had strong feelings, she is the only one I could actually see myself marrying, and having kids with. Unfortunately, that will never come to pass, all because I was too stupid to realize what I was passing up.
Anyway, I guess I really don't have anything to ask, other than some advice for getting over this.
(sorry for the wall of text)
