2 months gone, still no change in how I feel...
Like the title of this thread says, 2 months have gone by where I haven't seen my girlfriend (obviously ex-girlfriend now) and I have not stopped thinking about her one bit...
Here's some background information:
I'm 24 now and I met her 3 and a half years ago whilst traveling through foreign countries and we clicked right away. At the time, she had a on/off boyfriend back in her home country but we stayed in touch as friends for 2 years. After that, I randomly ended up moving 6 hours away from her by car (I did not move there for her). The week I moved there, she had to go to a nearby city to do some things for business and we met for lunch. We hung out for 5 days straight and knew that it was coming to an end but we said we knew that we both liked each other and wish we lived closer to one another. We kissed before she left and I couldn't have been any happier (although in my mind, I was sad that we still lived 6 hours apart). To my surprise, she told me that she was interested in taking some classes at a university close to where I was living because it was getting late for registration and only certain schools were allowing people to enroll. Fortunately for her, the school near me would still let her register. She ended up coming back a week later to go to that school a half an hour away from me! I considered it one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I really liked this girl.
At first, things were kinda weird because I knew I liked her and it seemed that she liked me but we didn't kiss or anything like that until a couple of weeks after she moved back. I guess you could say that we moved slow at the beginning, especially since I was really afraid to screw things up. I also knew that she was coming out of a relationship so I didn't want to feel like I was pushing myself onto her either. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have too much experience with girlfriends prior to her but did as much as I could to learn as quickly as possible. Too bad my quick was about 3 months... That is how long it took for us to say "officially" that we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Those 3 months were a mix of good and bad because I always felt like I had no security with her, like she could move onto anyone else at any time because we weren't official. I hated it, but there was nothing I could do.
After we were official, things got more complicated. I had already made a decision prior to that about going back to where I was originally from to work, which was literally 2000 miles away. She decided to come with me to see the area which she had never been to and stay for a week. She did and went home. About a week went by where we talked on the phone every day and she decided that she wanted to move near me to try and find a job. She asked me if I wanted to find a place to live with her. I said yes but when she got there, my actions proved otherwise. I basically strung her along without really having any intention of finding a place to live because I was basically a douchebag who didn't think of it as a big deal at the time. I now know that it was a huge deal... She moved 2000 miles to be near me and I wasn't serious about anything. After a bit of time and 2 major arguments (where it seemed as if I didn't care about her - and we never have major arguments), she found a room in a house shared with a few people. I helped pay for it and stayed there a lot but it felt temporary, like everything else in the relationship due to distance. At the end of the summer, she decided to go back home because I was doing nothing with my life and she probably felt that if I truly cared about her, I would fix the fact that I was doing nothing. When she went home, I enrolled in some college courses again to get the ball rolling and we kept in touch on the phone... it was the beginning of a long term relationship.
We talked every day for a minimum of an hour. It was stressful but I still felt like we were building on a lot while we talked on the phone. I felt closer to her than I did in the past because the phone forced us to talk about everything. A total of 3 months went by before I got to see her again. We saw each other for 2 and a half weeks... almost every day of those couple of weeks were absolutely fantastic. I will never forget the time I spent with her during those couple of weeks and I know that she felt the same way. During that time, we knew that it would come to an end again... We had to wait another 1.5 months before I saw her again for 5 days... Next is where I really screwed up.
During January of this year, I had won a 1-week stay at a tropical resort hotel. I told her about it but I told her that I wanted to go with my friends instead of her. Looking back on it, I have absolutely no idea why I said / thought this, but I can't change it now. She said that she knew that I obviously didn't feel the same way about her as she did about me because I would have just invited her along first before anyone else if I really loved her. Like an a-hole, I didn't see it like that until a little while later but because of my actions, she wanted to break up with me. It took a lot of time to convince her that I only wanted to go with her and that I really wanted to spend time with her again. We went on the vacation and we had a great time. It's just that every single time we saw each other, we knew it was temporary. I feel like the entire relationship was totally f'd up because of everything always feeling temporary due to distance.
After that, it was another couple of weeks before I saw her again, for 2 days... We still talked every day on the phone and I had planned to go see her in her home town for the first time in my life for more than 2 days... Unfortunately I had to wait until some things finished up in my area before I could go down there but I made it 100% clear that I wanted to go to where she lived for a minimum of a few weeks just to get a feel for life there / see her again. Before I left, she told me she didn't want me to come because she knew it would only be harder in the end because of the distance. We both basically agreed that being in a long distance relationship like ours was too stressful and that after I came down there, things might change indefinitely.
So I went to her place for almost an entire month and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I met her family for the first time and spent 99.9% of the time there with her. I never thought that sitting on the couch and watching a movie with her would be the definition of fun for me, but I would seriously compare that to anything great I've ever done in my life. I was truly in love and I knew it, but I just didn't know how to handle it. I talked to her about what was going to happen when I left and that there was a chance I would be moving to a foreign country for the entire fall semester (right now). She was already aware of this in the past. She kept telling me that if I really wanted to go, I should... When she was bringing me to the airport to go home, she couldn't stop crying. It was the worst I've ever seen in my life. I felt absolutely terrible, especially knowing that if I decided to stay, there wouldn't be a reason for the tears. Like an idiot, I got on the plane and left and that was the last time I saw her. Not only did I get on that plane, but I got on another one to travel overseas for my semester abroad which never actually happened. I'm here in a foreign country, surrounded by beautiful women and all I think about is her.
I've still kept in touch with her / talk to her all the time but she tells me that I need to move on and date other girls. She said that she has hung out with her ex-boyfriend a couple of times but she supposedly made it clear to him that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment. I tell her how much I miss her and how much I love her but it seems to do nothing. I also told her that I'd be willing to sacrifice everything to make up for my stupid decisions in the past but she claims that it's too late and that she thinks of me as only a friend now... Although last month, she was still telling me she loved me on the phone, so I don't know what to think.
At this moment in time, I really have no idea what to do.
I was thinking about all of the options I have and this is what I've come up with so far:
One would be to literally drop everything I'm doing right now and to just fly to where she lives to be with her... but the problem there is that I have nothing there. I don't have a car there, I don't have a job there, I don't even have her there... It'd basically be a crazy thing to do but I really want to do it. I've thought about getting in touch with potential employers in her area / doing a bunch of preparation for going but I don't know how smart it would be to do any of this. I thought about maybe getting a place to live, a job, etc. before I told her I was there... I just don't know if she'd be surprised in a good way or a bad way if I actually did this. She claims that if I ever did anything like this, she wouldn't be too happy... but then again, she's told me not to do things in the past which seem crazy and she's ended up liking it.
Another thing I could do would be to just stop contact with her completely and just see what happens. Maybe in a few years we'd be better for each other... The problem here is that I feel like if I stop contact with her, that someone will swoop her up and take her away forever. I do not want that.
I just feel like if we both lived somewhere and were living "normal" lives at the same time, we would be great together. We rarely argue and people have told us that we're very similar people. We both like the same things and are generally very very happy together, she admits this too. I actually know that if we both lived somewhere and worked / studied regularly like we're doing anyways, we would have a great relationship.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I've rambled a lot here but at the same time, there's still so much more detail I could have added.
I'd always send her text messages telling her how much I loved her. I always emailed her random stories that I thought she'd like. I sent her physical mail (like care packages) quite regularly.
Is there anything I can do at the moment to save what I feel was the best thing I've ever had?
Should I just try and stop thinking about her? (I don't think it's possible due to the fact that I'm literally over an ocean away at the moment and I still can't stop thinking about her!)
I have absolutely no desire to share my life with another girl at this current time. I'm very sociable but I just don't want to date anyone at all.
ahhhhhhhhh.... what to do?
