Love or Obligation (warning: long!)
I have two guys in my story - Mr. A. and Mr. Z for clarification.
Mr. A's story:
I've known him for 8 years, ever since high school. To keep this 8 year story short.. I'm just going to list all the important elements to the story to keep it short. During this time, I've seen him go through 3-4 girlfriends, while I dated one of his then-best friends for 4 years. I didn't realize it till I broke up and we had a drunken makeout session, did I realize that I truly loved him and that I always did ever since i met him - which was before I met his best friend. This speeds up our 8 year story till the events of just this past year. I met up with him a lot more after I was single, and we became good friends, since he was no longer friends with my ex. During this time, one of his friends almost raped me at numerous house parties where I went in order to see him. But thankfully I wasn't. I always felt i was never good enough for him - and the many times where I felt stood up by him, etc. I taught myself that it was all normal and that it was alright for him to do it. I grew so accustomed to his ways that I started treating those that i knew had crushes on me the same way. I broke a lot of guys heart in a years time.
Feeling I wasns't good enough - I tried to change myself to his taste. I started changing the way I acted, friends I hung out with, style that i dressed myself in. And finally when I couldn't stand it no longer, I finally decided to confess. On valentines day last year I finally made my move by getting him pastries and a gift to encourage him studying for midterms. I delivered it to his place .. but then I didn't have the guts to say anything so I just left it, hoping that with this gesture things will change. I waited a month till white valentines - and around this time I found out that he was actually looking for a new/old/used cellphone since he just lost his. Hoping that I could be of some use to him - I went out to find one, and just came into conclusion I should just buy a new one for him. Using the last of my savings (i'm a poor university student!) I bought him a 600 dollar phone. When I saw him, i lied to him saying that I got it free from a friend and that I only needed to pay 100 -- which would be refunded to him when he goes to activate the phone. A week later, he contacts me, knowing what I did and wanting to return the 100 dollars. It was during this final day that I knew i had enough and that I was jerked around for far too long - so i went over to his place, thinking i'll just confess and say that we can no longer be friends because it was just too hard for me. However, things changed when i saw how sick he was - he had a high fever~ so instead, I walked him home, went to get him food, and came back to give it to him. At the end - I finally blurted it out, but only finished aruptly to run out the door without waiting for an answer.
After that day, I also waited another month hoping for some results - but nothing changed. I rarely got messages from him on MSN... So i just figured I had my answer.
Mr. Z's story:
Mr. Z's story actually is related to Mr. A's. During the time between valentines and white valentines days where I gave Mr. A the cellphone and confessed, I met Mr. Z in one of my classes. From the moment he spoke to me, I just thought he was really interesting and funny. The way he asked for my number right after the class was really hilarious to me. It was innocent .. naive ... pure. and when he called me that weekend - i thought it was even more funny...
I think everything started a few weeks after things ended with Mr. A.. or i thought it did. I went out with Mr. Z once already ... and it was really innocent and sweet.. I could tell he was inexperienced.. in fact he told me he never had a girlfriend before. I decided that I needed to figure out If I would still be thinking about Mr. A, and therefore I went to go study with Mr. A one day. But that day, during the time I was travelling to the library - I realized I was really guilty, and even during the time when I was with Mr. A. which was exactly one hour, not only did he treat me as if I was nothing again where all his friends came and excluded me, I realized I was with the wrong person and wrong place. Therefore, after a hour of sitting around I left to go see Mr. Z.
That day he officially asked me out and I said yes. from then on, we've been dating ever since. However, the biggest mistake I offended was the rule of relationships - not to tell the guy of your past when it's too recent. I told him of all the sufferring and pain i endured from Mr. A hoping that I would get some protection, but instead it hurt Mr. Z. We've endured endless fights -
and skipping through some months here....
Today, Mr. Z and I are having a long distance-ish relationship where he's gonna be in mandatory army training in his home country. We're not officially a couple but we're still skyp'ing each other every single day when we're home. When we were going out , he told me to block Mr. A from everything, and he went so far as to call Mr. A one night to tell him to never call me again after he found him calling me in the middle of the night.
After a very big fight, Mr. Z and I are in peace right now - and we no longer talk about the past - either our fights, problems, or of my past either, and especially Mr. A. What Mr. Z doesn't know is that I reconnected with Mr. A during the time we broke up and even though we don't talk, he's still someone I keep dear to me.
Honestly, I don't know what i'm doing no more. Before Mr. Z came along - I allowed myself to be true to my own feelings and follow what I felt was worth it.... even if i had nothing in return.. i tried and i allowed myself to be around, and show my feelings to Mr. A.
Now, I feel so accustomed to being with Mr. Z... who I can tell loves me very much .. which I know will love me whole heartedly .. who tried his best to understand our differences when we fight.. I can't bear to break his heart..
I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's love ... what I have for Mr. A... and if it's obligation for Mr. Z.. or could it possibly be love as well?
