very confused over co worker and his feelings
This is my first time posting, I am hoping someone can help me b/c I am so confused!!
I have worked with a man who I will call PA for about 13 years now. I was attracted to him the second I met him. I was married at the time with a daughter but I could not help the attraction that I felt for this man.
At the same time I was having some pretty major problems in my marriage, my husband was addicdted to drugs and our marriage was pretty close to being over. I started hanging out with a group for friends from work and PA happened to join us one night for drinks. I never thought I was his type b/c he always seem to go for the model type, I did not consider myself ugly, but not the model type. We acutally became friends, flirted back and forth, and started talking quite a bit. I would tell him my problems at home and he would always tell me that I deserved better. I started to care about him quite a bit and thought that maybe he cared for me too??
One night after going back to his house to shoot pool, one thing led to another and we slept together. It was incredible and it made me care for him even more than I had before. When Monday came around and it was time to go back to work, I was nervous about seeing him. He did look at me and smile but ignored me most of the time for a few weeks. I was hurt, not sure why he was acting like that. After a few weeks passed we started to talk again but never mentioned what happend. I figured he regreted what happened and wanted to forget about it.
My husband and I ended up divorcing about 6 months after my affair. PA was a good friend through it all. We grew closer and he told me one day at work that he needed to tell me something and that he wanted me to come over to his house that night. I agreed however once I got there, he had two of his friends over. I came in and we all started drinking. He pulled me aside and was trying to tell me something but each time he would try to talk, we would get interrupted. He finally said never mind, I will tell you later. We were all drinking pretty heavily that night and I was quite shocked when PA asked me to let him and his friends do body shots off me. I told him no that I was not like that and he insisted that it would be fun. PA was very intoxicated, I had never seen him like this before. I was feeling no pain myself and finally agreed. PA was laughing and we all seemed to have a good time. His friends ended up going downstairs and passing out while PA and I feel asleep on the couch.
The next day was very strange b/c he would not speak to me at all. He was very cold to me and would not even look at me. I was devasated. To make things worse, I found out 2 weeks later that he was sleeping with my BF. I was heart broken. I stopped talking to both him and my BF and tried to ignore him at work.
He later broke up with my BF, started dating someone else at work and I stayed single for a while. We finally started talking again after about 6 months. He would not talk about his realtionship that he was currently in, we mostly talked about work. It went on like this for a few years. I was dating at this point and tried to forget about him. It was not easy, I still cared for him. Sometimes he would come over and stand at my office door, smile at me and walk away. I know this sounds crazy but he would make me weak in the knees and I felt like my heart would skip a beat.
We started working closely together again about 4 years after everything had happened. I would see him almost every day. He was still dating someone and I was single at the time. One night he came to a local bar where I would go to meet up with some friends that we worked with. He sat with me for hours and we talked about things going on in our lives. He was drinking, I had stopped earlier in the eveing b/c I knew I had to drive home. He asked me if I would drive him home since he had been drinking. I told him I would and once at his house he asked if I would come in. I agreed and once inside he turned to me, kissed me, and asked if he could make love to me. I told him no b/c he was dating someone, he said well it didn't seem to bother you when you were married and we made love. I told him that it was different. He said he understood but asked if he could just hold me for a while, I agreed and we sat for an hour or more just holding each other.
I wasn't sure what to expect come Monday b/c of how he had acted in the past. Sure enough, he was cold towards me. I was hurt and mad. We had not slept togehter so I didn't expect the coldness towards me. We once again did not talk for a few weeks.
This all happened about 5 years ago. He is now single, I am in a realtionship, not a very happy one but have been with someone for about 3 years. We work very close together now, more than we ever have. We are actually partners on accounts. I see him every day, usually 4 or 5 times a day. We talk all the time on the phone, he normally calls every morning to see how I am doing. We joke and kid around a lot and it's not as much flirting as it used to be although maybe this is his way of flirting.
We slept together again about 6 months ago. We once again had been drinking so not sure if it meant anything to him or not. He did tell me before anything happened that he was sorry for how he acted all those times and that he does care about me. He said that the time we made love meant so much to him and that he really is crazy over me. I told him I felt the same. I asked him why we haven't talked about this before and he said he is very shy and committing to a woman is something he doesn't think he can do. He said that he felt that I could never commit to him and be happpy. He said that he regrets not breaking up with his GF when I was single so we could be together to see what happend. All of this was said after about an hour or two of drinking so not sure if he meant what he said.
Again when Monday came I was nervous and sure enough, he gave me the cold shoulder. I confronted him this time and he quickly said he had to get off the phone. I was hurt once again. It lasted about a week and he came around again. A few weeks later it was like nothing had ever happened, we were talking all the time, joking, going out for lunch, but nothing mentioned about what happened between us. I figured that it must be me and that it was purely sex and being drunk is why we were together.
I did find it strange though that recently he went to FL for a few days on vacation. I received a call about 8:00 from him and he said he was walking on the beach and thought he would give me a call to see how I was doing. We talked for about an hour and he actually called or emailed me every day that he was in FL. We talked about business a little but most of it was personal.
I have very strong feelings for this man but I don't know if he feels the same way. I am so confused. Some things that he does makes me thinks he does care and then other things makes me thinks he does not.
A few weeks ago we were our for happy hour and he leaves with another woman. He made it look like he did not but a friend told me that he overheard them and that he was following her to her house. On Monday morning once we got to work, he came down first thing and wanted to make it clear to me that he did not leave with her and that people got the wrong idea. I told him that he was a grown man and he didn't need to explain anything to me, he said well I know but I was just tired and wanted to go home, I didn't want you thinking I left with anyone. He then accused me of not talking to him and that he thought I was mad at him so he just decided to leave???
I know that I am probably very stupid for caring for a man who problaby does not care for me. This has been going on for 13 years!!! I want to move on but I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I have started looking for a new job thinking that maybe getting away from him would do it. I would miss him terribly and the thought of leaving makes me want to cry. What do I do??
Does this man care anything for me??? Or was I just drunk sex for him?
