Please help, my heart is breaking
I am in desperate need of help..it is long and complicated, but, I have nowhere elese to turn. After ten years of being seperated from my exboyfriend, I decided to contact him.
We were together for a couple of years as teenagers and I cheated and ended up pregnant by another man. I was going through alot of problems at the time and did not realize how much I would come to regret what I had done.
Flashfoward 10 years, and I decided after living with years of guilt to write him an apology. He responded very positively to the email and after a few emails back and forth gave me his phone number and asked me to call. I was very hesitant, but, after a few days, I called. The conversation was very awkward as he seemed cold towards me and as if I had bothered him by calling. I know he could sense my discomfort and after an hour of speaking with him I think he felt bad and said, "I am never going to hear from you again, am I?" This made me feel bad and I agreed to call again.
Anyway, that was four months ago, we have been speaking regularly, but, I am getting many mixed messages..first, I am the only one doing any kind of contact, unless, I tell him I cant speak to him anymore, then the next day, I will recieve some random text that is usually a chain thing or something. Other than me saying I cant speak with him anymore, he does not contact me.
However, whenever I contact him, he instantly replies, he teases me alot and when I say or do certain things he will refrence the past by saying something like, "I see some things never change"...I don't know what that is supposed to mean.
Anyway he has not had a relationship in 5 years, he says he has been hurt too many times and is not looking for anything anymore, he says he has a hard time trusting anyone.
One night I asked him to meet me out of the blue because I was in his neighborhood, he came right away to see me, it was only an hour but he sat next to me and at one point, I lightly tapped his arm when I got excited about something and he jumped up and would not sit back down the rest of the time he was with me, he just paced back and forth, I could not tell if he wanted to run from me or he was nervous.
Over time I kept trying to ask him about his previous relationships and he would not give me any information. He kept telling me he wanted to be friends, but, he will only speak to me about generic things.
One night after drinking I text him that I had feelings for him, he said he did not have any for me. I was very frustrated with this because I felt like this was not the truth, but, I accepted his answer and tried to remain friends.
Well, after awhile of realizing my feelings were getting stronger, I told him once again we couldn't speak, the next day I get a stupid random text from him that I ignore, the next week I accidentally text him and he says, "was this for me? I hope so." I don't respond and ten minutes later get another text, "I guess it was a mistake" I figure he seems to care so we begin speaking again.
Finally, I get tired of the generic conversation and tell him I feel like I am wasting my time because I know nothing about him after all this time, he says, "a couple of months is not enough time for me to let down my guard and with our history it makes it that much harder" I said " I don't expect you to throw your life at me, and yes we have a history but we have both moved on, we are so different now days,I know we would never work" he says, "I feel different then you" I say, "about what?", he says, "alot of things and this is what I will not share with you right now", I asked him if he was still angry with me for the past, he says, "I was at one time but I am over that. At that time you were the only person I had and trusted, I thought you were my soulmate. Every realtionship I've had since you, I compare to what we had and it never pans out for me. All of my issues are not just from us, its from other people too."
Anyway, does anyone have any idea what this man may be feeling for me? At all? Oh, by the way, in one of our first conversations, he made it appoint to tell me he still has all of the pictures of us from back then and that he keeps my ring that I gave him to wear on a chain in his dresser drawer. Please help me I feel heartbroken all over again and I am not even dating him...
