Seriously TROUBLED Relationship...
He is the One.I knew it right when I met him the first time. He was trying to forget his first real important Love that HE decided to end because bored and unsatisfied
(too young to just stay settled with just one girl).
He wanted to move on and just have a lot of fun with girls, playing around. Instead he met me. We start to date and hang out. I fall in love, He still has HER in his mind and heart. Resistance is what he gives back to me. I don't know anything of this. He does not tell me until I find out a "marital status" that SHOCKED and HURT me. it was 2 years of our relationship when I discovered it and amongst apologies and clarifications i decide to go back to him. I was completely devoted and mad about him.
We kept on dating, hanging out.No commitment from him. Other girls along the way Distract him and take his focus on me Away. I discover these other girls and forgave him again every single time (4).
It is 7 years in JANUARY that we are together now. He still has serious issues and demons that he has not resolved yet. His ex wife is STILL in his mind and heart. He strongly feels guilty of having ruined her life. He just cannot move on and commit to anybody else so does she. They are hanging in there without even talking or seeing each other except for some random times. I told him to go back and talk to her to straighten things up and finally forget about this feeling of guilt forever. They might even discover to still love each other and that their happiness is only together. IT is the hardest thing in my life but I really really really LOVE this man more than anything else in the world and HIS happiness is what mostly matters to me. We talked last night. He is a unhappy and troubled person. He dislikes his new job, he is not happy where he lives right now, he does not want to be alone. He wants a GIRLFRIEND that's what he says. A girlfriend means someone who lives in his same city /someone he can just hang out with, go to the movies together, etc. He lives in a different country than mine and even if I LOVE HIM more than anything else I MUST respect myself - I cannot quit EVERYTHING just to be his "neighbor". Im 30 years old and he is 35 - we are grown up people and it is not time to play around anymore I guess. He says he is scared of me bc with me it is ALL OR NOTHING. But yes of course I am a girl completely in LOVE with him and I want to marry him, make a family and live together for the rest of my life. OK he is not ready? I would be willing to not marry and still remain by his side BUT it at least requires commitment from him after all this time. It requires him to say "i want you in my life. i dont want anybody else" that would be enough for me to quit everything and go live with him. Is it too much?
His feelings are not as strong as mine -I know that. The intensity is different. I am in the most hurtful and confused moment of my life.
Last night He asked me"what would you say if I gave HER (exwife) a kid? I guess I would feel better like I give her back something that I took away a long time ago". I WAS SHOCKED AND SAD AND HURT AND I WANTED TO SCREAM BUT I DID NOT DO ANYTHING OF THIS. I only told him that A KID will NOT change anything -will NOT make things better - He will still have this feeling of guilt for her and a kid might only make it worse. Obviously I feel really bad and I AM TIRED -Idont know what to do what to think.I have always put HIM ahead of everything,everyone and ahead of me too sometimes. It is not good I know but NOW I am just tired.
HE Is unhappy and It kills me.I would love to see him happy and satisfied. he is depressed and i cannot help it. I suggested him to go get PRO HELP bc I really think that it might helpful. Also suggested him to look for help and support and peace from GOD but it seems like he has other priorities coming first.
IDONT KNOW Why I am writing to you ...probably just to vent and open up.
It will be easy for people to say "MOVE ON GIRL" .. But it is not this easy. i still see SOMETHING beautiful in our relationship. I cannot see ANY OTHER MAN next to me. I am an outgoing person who goes out w/friends but I compare EVERY SINGLE PERSON to him and the result is EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST SO INSIGNIFICANT.
It is hard but I am also seeing some pro help myself /hopefully it will help me through.
THANKS ALL for the time you spent reading this.
