Grass isn't always greener on other side
I am a 25 year old male who quite possible made the biggest mistake of my life which would end up being my life's greatest regret. The story is complicated, so perhaps I'll start from the beginning.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. We met in college and dated for two years until I dropped out, because of poor grades and too much drinking and partying. Right before I left college I convinced myself that breaking it off with my girlfriend was the best idea because going back home would mean being over an hour and a half away from her. She lived 10 minutes from the university and was a commuter. I was from Philadelphia and was an on campus resident. I didn't think I could maintain a long distance relationship. She also can have a violent temper and I didn't like it when she got physical when we got in a fight. She couldn't really hurt me, but I have a temper as well and I didn't want to hit her in defense and end up going to jail. I ended the relationship a month before I was suppose to leave college and she was destroyed. I had been her first real love and I had also taken her virginity. Two weeks passed and I found myself in agony. I missed her like crazy and I became extremely depressed. I called her just before I left for home and we agreed to get back together and try a long distance relationship.
When I came home after dropping out my life was a wreck. I managed to pull myself back together because of my girlfriend's support. I studied and earned several IT certifications and spent the next 3 years working on my IT career. I even continued pursuing my degree at an online university. There were ups and downs in my long distance relationship with my girlfriend over those 3 years, but all and all I would say she helped me to become a better person.
She stayed at the university where we had meet and graduated with honors two years after I dropped out. She picked up a career in teaching and has become a full time teacher since. This next part of the story brings us almost to the present.
I was laid off my from employer in the Philadelphia area this past May. This would be the second time I had received a corporate layoff in two years. I also tend to get frustrated and eventually fall into depression, because of how hard it is to find a new job that doesn't pay such a low salary. My girlfriend convinced me that getting an apartment up in the area where she lived would help us take the relationship to the next level.
I didn't like the idea, because the area where she lives is too far away from the city and is that much harder to find employment. I also didn't like the idea of being away from all of my friends and family who all live in the Philly area.
Regardless we found a nice 2 bedroom that was dirt cheap and we agreed to sign the lease together. The problems all really started when I told my family that I was going to sign a year lease with my girlfriend. My parents, relatives, and friends convinced me that I shouldn't sign the lease in case she would kick me out or I would decide to end the relationship. By the time I decided I didn't want to sign the lease, my girlfriend called and said she already had signed the lease herself and started moving stuff into the apartment. She naturally freaked out when I told her I wasn't going to sign the lease as well and legally I didn't have to since only one signature was needed to take the apartment. She was furious, but we both moved in together anyway.
I had come from a family where my mother always cooked dinner for the family 5 nights a week. My girlfriend believed in cooking dinner over going out as well, but since I was home all day in the apartment doing nothing but looking for jobs she felt I should have handled all of the domestic chores...and I did do alot of the chores such as laundry, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, killing the bugs...everything except cooking. To be honest she was a pretty damn good cook and I just didn't like the chore. She would come home from a hard days work and some days she would be fine with cooking and other days it would royally piss her off to see I hadn't been considerate enough to make dinner...not even once.
It's no surprise that my actions or rather inactions mixed with her contempt that I hadn't signed the lease which she took as a lack of commitment acted as a volatile mixture. The smallest conflicts would blow up into huge arguments because she was frustrated that I hadn't proposed yet after six years and she still saw no real investment of commitment from me. The fights began to tear me down. I was already depressed because I was unemployed yet again and now she was riding my ass over the smallest things to vent out her own frustrations. It came to a breaking point for me when after one argument on the couch she clawed me leg out of malice and frustration. She broke the skin, I bleed, and it left a gash which turned into a scar.
I talked with family and friends about the incident and their advice was to just pack my things and leave her. I thought about it for weeks and I convinced myself that maybe there was somebody better for me out there and maybe I would have better luck finding a job if I returned to Philly. Up until 3 weeks ago those were just thoughts until a headhunter contacted me about a job in Philly. I interviewed and it went perfect. The salary and benefits were excellent. The headhunter called and said the last thing he needed was 3 references and he said that would be a formality because the business was ready to send an offer of employment.
I made the call to my friend to help me move all of my stuff out when I knew my girlfriend would be teaching in school. I honestly wanted to tell my girlfriend ahead of time, but I knew how her temper was. She would have used the police to prevent me from removing my belongings because only her name was on the lease or worse she would have destroyed everything I owned. My friend was able to bring up a U-Haul truck and we removed everything when she was at work. My friend drove the U-Haul truck back to Philly and I waited for my girlfriend to come home.
I explained to her that I was leaving before she entered the apartment and she was holding it together with pleading me to stay until she opened the door and saw almost all of the furnishings (I bought and owned) were gone. It was the worst thing I had ever put someone through. She threw up, she threatened to kill herself, threatened to lie to the police and say I hit her. All the stuff that a scorned woman would experience and say when she gets completely blindsided and her world is flipped upside down. I explained to her the situation the best that I could and then I left when she started getting violent towards me.
It is now 3 weeks later and in an ironic twist that you would only see in a good drama...the headhunter never called me back. I never received a letter of employment. The headhunter dodges my calls and for some reason won't tell me why a sure fire job has fallen through. I am now severely depressed for two reasons...I am still unemployed and I have lost the one person who stood by my side and was the best friend and lover I had ever known. The more time passes the more agony I find myself in. I have this deep resenting guilt and hatred for myself for convincing myself that the grass was greener back in Philly.
Now I think to myself that I could have defused nearly all of my conflicts with my girlfriend by simply committing and contributing more in the apartment where we lived. I sent an e-mail to my girlfriend pouring my heart out with remorse and begging forgiveness. That lead to what she calls, "our final conversation" over the phone where I begged her to take me back and she explained why she could never take me back and that she was going out on a date with someone else this weekend. Her reasons for not taking me back is that even though she still loves me, her entire family and friends would hate her for siding with me after everything I have done. She explained that every time she thinks of me she only feels hatred and pain. I told her that I wouldn't pursue anyone else in the hopes that she comes back to me and that I would only give up when I see from a mutual friend that she is now in another relationship with someone else.
You are a stranger out there reading this and I am not telling you this story, because I want sympathy or advice. I am telling this story as a living breathing testament to the old adage...You don't know what you've lost, until it's gone. She spent six years waiting for me to marry her and the day I come around and do propose marriage is the day I lost her forever...
