A rather... weird... situation...
Ok. So where to start... I (age 19) think I should point, that I am not askin' for moral judgment (>sole< moral judgment) on this, so go ahead, prove me wrong, but please use arguments (thats what I need now).
So, to say sth about my current situation before I get to the point.
I have a girlfriend (age almost 19), for... about 5 months now. I never had a girlfriend b4. I was quite shy for a looong time (and, well, I still am a lil' bit), so I never got as close mentally, nor sexually, to a girl (or should I say, a woman).
She also never had anyone b4 me. She never got as close mentally, nor sexually to a boy (or, well, a man).
I'm quite liberal.
She's rather conservative.
We really love each other.
No, we do.
Really.
Recently we had our first real breakdown. Because, u see, I want to have sex. And she doesn't.
We had this conversation before. We agreed on certain things. We agreed that I won't get it from her so 'fast', but it'll be before (argh!) marriage (not that we are planning it yet...).
We did certain sexual 'things', but that was too much for her yet (which she showed few days after). Also, always when we did that (which was, to be true, only... 2-3 times) she felt that she did something wrong. And I assume it was caused by religious beliefs, I can only assume, because she, unfortunately, never speaked openly about that. She just assured me, that everything was alright.
She also, counter-logically did show a need, and gave me a >>slight<<, shy, unverbal permission, for sex.
So, to make long story short. On Saturday (while we were in bed) she said that she'd like to do that, and therefore I should buy condoms. I've bought condoms, told her about it. She got... unsure, hesitant... on Thursday we had more time to speak about it... She said that she doesn't want to do that, and that she's sorry for dissapointing me. I've (goddamnit!!!) reacted not the way I should...
When she was just about to get on her train she said "I'll think about it.".
We didn't speak for three days (and normally we would see each other at least two times), until today. We resumed our conversation. She said that she won't do it. That she... ah... all of this was quite foggy, and by the end of her ... statement... It was clear that the message is "I just wan't you to wait a little bit longer". Additionally she slightly changed her attitude towards me, to be more 'firm'.
And then we had a quite good rest-of-the-day.
Oh, and you need to know, that I did state straightforward, that I do not want to wait for marriage to have sex and that sex is (or the-physical-part-of-relationship) half of a relationship, and I did say that several times, including one, around the beggining of our relationship. Additionally, later I've said that I want to think seriously of this relationship. And that if I can't think of a relationship this way, I'm not sure if I want to continue such a relationship. And she did accept that (which dragged certain implications...).
To start summing things up, and to get to the point.
I do NOT want to do her any harm.
I DO want to be with her.
I DO love her.
She IS really important to me.
And she is someone special to me.
She also wants to be with me.
And she does love me.
And she said sth like this today
(loose citation):
//
-I don't want to have sex before marriage.
-You are aware of what I think about it. (that this would be half-of-a-relationship for me, and that I'm not really into continuing such a relationship etc. etc.)
-I am... *looks away*
-You wan't me to be with you? *looks in her eyes*
-Yes. *looks in my eyes*
-...
-...
-I love you.
-I love you too.
-You want me to try to... withstand... this?
-Well, it's really your deci... *runs with her eyes*
-But I want to know what you feel.
-Yes... *looks into my eyes*
//
So how not to harm her? Well, I've decided that I'll wait with having sex with her. And that I'll wait for as long as it is possible, and, uh, reasonable.
I've decided, that I should be more... caring... and tender. Not that I'm the opposite now, she said it quite few times that she never knew any man so 'tender and caring' before. And that this is almost (argh!) feminine. And I knew that before. I just did few things... ... yea... ... ... that were not the way they should. And I should improve in this matter.
I've decided to talk with her in a slightly different manner, and on slightly different matters. (more open towards her, less physical matters)
It also seems... which is one of the changes I've noticed in her attitude/needs (or, ohgodno!, her definition of our relationship)... that she wants to have more time for herself, as she has a set of quite important exams this year(and pleeease, don't tell me that it means, what I think it means...). So I shall give her more time for herself... (ohgod...ohgod...)
What else... hmm... just... cosmetic stuff... ?
And for the point of all this... megillah
I WANT to have sex. And notice how I've said, nor suggested it nowhere (at least I did not want to, but English is not my native language), that I want to have sex only with >her<...
What I don't know yet, is how long I'll able to wait for her to be ready (oh-this-stupid-sex-drive), and how long it will take for her to become ready. (As she masturbated (which she never did before) cuz we somehow managed to get on that subject few times. And as she shaved (mhh v_V) a lil there, cuz we somehow managed to get on that subject few times.)
If I try it with another girl (not dating or anything, just sex, as I have few opportunities)...
Psychologically, how will my point of view change?
Oh, will I be able to keep >it< quiet when we'll have our first time together (with my girlfriend)? Won't she notice that I'm not a virgin anymore? (oh, physically, it's unnoticable, I'm askin - mentally; and I'm quite a good actor)
To be true, I'm in if it comes to 'open' relationships, and I mean >open<. If she'd have a need to physically have someone beside me, I'd have nothing against it.
And yes, I've noticed how this post is sex-centric, this is the matter I'm curious about now. And it's not that sex is the only matter in our relationship.
And plz. Now for your response... I'm curious how y'all see it...
P.S.: I'm not a native speaker.
P.S.2: Sorry if the text is a lil messy.
