my love

My puppy love started at my high shcool. Puppy love is supposed to be sweet memory, but not for me. it is so sad that i couldn’t carry it any more, i wrote it down and published it in a magazine of china–gangzhou morning post. it is a very popular newspaper in china. u can found this magazine in every college in china, students read it in college everyday, that is why i wrote and published it in the first place, hoping that girl would see it before i told her, and then she would surprise me and fly to my arms. But she didn’t.

The following is my article, please take some time to feel it.
Love at first sight
I had crush on a girl named Pumpkin. It was love at first sight. We were in the same class in grade two in high school. I didn’t think very much about her at first. However, as time passed by, I found myself more and more taken by her. I always stared at her and regarded that viewing her was like viewing the most beautiful picture in the world. I enjoyed it when she was handing out books or papers. I enjoyed the moment, I hoped that time would stop forever at the right moment. I hoped I could perpetuate and preserve those beautiful pictures. (Sometimes a momoent becomes a momery the instant it is happening, because it is so true, so pure, so significant that you want to capture it forever.)

Things got worse and worse, I couldn’t focus on my studies any more, all in my mind was on her sweet smile. One night, I happened to sit beside her with a boy sitting between us. The boy may have come across a problem in his study, so he went to the teachers’ room for help. I suddenly felt a strange but strong power in my body and urged me to express my admiration to her. I took out a new notebook and wrote something in the second page and passed it to her. She was surprised at my act and replied with a puzzled smile. I showed her the words and turned my head aside, trying to avoid her straight and familiar eyes. She wrote something down on the book with a strange smile on her face all the time. Then she handed it to me and returned to her study. I read it with my heart beating rapidly. She turned me down as I expected. I thought I could study as before from then on. However things went out of my control again. The only thing in my head was her sweet smile. I thought I should divert my attention from her. So I pick up a new hobby, an internet game- ChuanQi. I immersed myself in the ChuanQi with the hope that I could forget her. But it didn’t work. I spent my rest of my time in misery. I can not say it didn’t affect my study. Fortunately, I smoothly passed the college entrance examination.Fresh out of high school, for the second time I hoped I could forget her and be myself again. Fortunately we went to different colleges. But the feeling didn’t fade away as time went on. We kept in touch with each other by e-mail. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She turned me down again, and explained to me it was the long distance between us that prevent us from being together. She told me she turned me down because I was childish and immature. I didn’t give up, and never had a thought of giving up. She encouraged me to study hard and take good care of myself. I believe time would prove everything. But one night she suddenly told me that she found a boyfriend in her college. A drop of tear burst out spontaneously. I turned my head aside and wept my tear, fearing being caught crying by my friends. I pretended to be normal and said goodbye to her and wished her a happy new life with her boyfriend. Time went on day by day, but the hurt in my heart never recovered. Her smile in my brain never disappeared. My friend told me that we must go through each heart break and each depressing experience before we will grow into the persons we want to become. There is a valuable lesson in each experience and we should experience it to the best of our capacity. And I believe in it very much. Now I am more sensible and I believe that she is not my miss right. But as a friend, I will keep praying for her in another city and provide help for her whenever it is needed.

The above infatuation happened at my high school. And now we move to another stage–college.

I went to another different college from Pumpkin, and majored in English. I didn’t choose English, my college chose it for me, which i have to accept.

As it happened to me before, i found myself staring at one of my classmate–lisa more and more often, and finally, i was completely taken by her, another beautiful girl. And i felt another urge to confess.
So i picked up my phone and called her:” Lisa, i am in love with you, do u love me too, say u want to be my girlfriend.”
She refused me, which was the beginning of my second heart-broken experience. I believed i still had the chance to win her back as long as she was single. So i made my little plans, invating her to dinner, seeing moives, jogging, etc, which she turned me down all.

She kept turning me down, but i was not a bit daunted, i knew i would have my day to win her hear, and i believed it would be real soon.

I remembered one day when there was only two of us in a classroom, she looked at me and said peacefully: U are a very nice and handsome boy, you know what, i like staring at your unshaved face, so handsome, but that’s all.” I was confused with meanings of like and love, i didn’t see the differences, and i still don’t see the differences now.

In my third year of my college life, i met another girl, cathy. Our eyes met when we first saw each other and we couldn’t turn our eyes away from each other. Cathy was just like another Pumpkin, They had the same hair cut, the same pretty face, and body size, even the personality. So we went out dating, everything went on smoothly and everything was perfect for the first two months. I finally tasted the happiness of love, I taught her to play basketball, and took her to dinner, to see movies, etc.

One day, when we were watching movies in a cinema, all of a sudden i realized that cathy wasn’t pumpkin at all, and she didn’t even look like pumpkin at all when i turned my eyes to see her side face and smell her. I was scared and i didn’t know why i should be scared at all, i just had this strong urge to run away from her. (I hate this scared feeling and resent this moment when i look back on my life)

After that experience, we grew apart, and finally i did sometime terrible i hope i haven’t done, cathy was hurt very badly. and i don’t know what to do at the first time.( as for the something terrible, i really didn’t want to explore again here.)

So i was all alone again, and i missed the days i went out with cathy. Later i realized that, cathy was cathy, pumpkin was pumpkin, and i fell in love with cathy at the first place because she was looked like pumpkin. And I knew cathy was actually the one for me, and i sent her away in a terrible way. I knew i have to win her back all over again.

So i began to contact cathy and offered my apology whenever i had the chance, she never accepted my apology, at least she never forgave me.

One day, i found this amazing article in a newspaper about a priest:

Once apon a time, there was a pious priest in a village, and one day, the village was flooded by a terrible flood, and the priest was standing on top of the topest building, waiting to be saved.
A boat came by, people shouted to the priest, “father, will you come with us.” The priest said no because he believed god would come and spare his life. And later on another boat came by to save the priest, also the priest turned the boat away. So the priest was drown and went to heaven, he kneed dwon before god and asked: God, why didn’t u come to save my life, i have been serving you my whole life.” God replied to him: “I have sent you two boat, but you sent them away.”

I was impressed by this little story. My whole life has been a disaster, I thought God have overlooked me in some way until i saw this little story, God actually sent cathy to save me from misery, but i sent her away. And i believe Cathy was my first boat, i tried to call it back when it was already too late. Given one more chance, i would hold on to cathy no matter what, but i know there was no second chance or turning back.

And now i am still waiting for my second boat, and i warn myself i shouldn’t let go of my second boat when it shows up. Or i would go straight to hell.

I pray to god everyday, hoping to accelerate the showing up of my second boat, because I don’t know how many more days i can survive the flood ? but two years have passed by, still nothing happened. I am still alone, drowning in misery.