my side of the story...

I'm so glad i got through to the forum!! I registered yesterday but never got activation email:(. I just realize it might be in spam box and it is!

So this is the story of my life, it would be long, i break it into categories so people would be able to select what they want to read :)

Background:
Childhood-18:
Since i was small, i was never a sociable child. Never been to pub, bar or anything similar...

General: in the love area, i always give guys "the benefit of the doubt" and never thing they like me unless they explicitly state so. I'm the kind of person that you call "scared of love". Whenever i meet someone i like, i purposely sabotage the relationship or run away/ avoiding him... Since i'm in technical field (female but LOVE technical stuff and apparently, good at it!) , i follow the brain more than the heart, most of the actions i take are the logical/good/fair ones. I dont want take advantages of people and I always try to make my relationship as clear as possible to avoid confusion situations as many people in our forum are facing and i'm quite good at it (not now though.... that's y im here).

Adulthood: i'm 22 years old, i go abroad to study my degree. I just graduated and accepted into a company here all due to my ability :) The life is good if you avoid all confusions....

And here is the story of 3 guys in my life that i want to share.....

Bestfriend: T1 is one of my best friends (we are a group of 3, T1 and my other bestfriend is bestfriend long before they meet me.), we got to know each other when i was 16 years old, he is 3 years older, much kinder and is one of the first guys that treat me nicely... All due to my secondary problems with people, by the time i met him, i have no friend that i can depend on or to call friend, all alone. To me, at that time, he was the sun shines on my cloudy life. I see no other friends, i want no other friends.

As i have told you, i'm in technical field and always try to as clear as possible, i took the initiative to tell him that i adore the friendship between him and his bestfriend (is my bestfriend as well) and i want to be their bestfriend as well (i'm telling the truth, i wanted to be bestfriend with both of them) and both of them said ok :) I was happy once again to have 2 people to call bestfriends.

But T1 failed me miserably in our friendship. I remember the first time my father had a stroke and had to be taken to the hospital in the middle of the night, we thought we would lose him forever. I waited until morning at a reasonable hour to call T1 to look for comfort and the first thing he said was "i cant bring you to the hospital to see your father". I asked him "are you sick?" he said "no", "Any of your relative is sick?". He said "no". "I see, good bye" and i terminated the call and he didnt call again for a week. The other bestfriend of mine called to offer bring me to the hospital that weekend but T1 never asked about it again. I didnt expect him to bring me to the hospital, didnt expect him to come see me. Just need someone to say "it's going to be ok"

It hurted so much and i came to a conclusion that if he cant be here for me when i need him, nobody else will. And i shouldnt expect people to be there for me as well, i should be strong on my own. Bestfriend wont be there for you, family wont always be there for you, you are on your own. And i realize that the affection i have for my bestfriends is growing too big, i was depending on him to get me on my feet when something happened and it's not a good sign. I decided to let go of everything, my family, my college (got into college in my country at that time), my country, my future to go study abroad, to put myself away of him, to be strong, to not see my father got sicker by the day (he was sick since i was small) and to preserve our friendship because i knew that incident has put a tone on my friendship with him.

And that's what i did, every years i come back once but everytime i get back home, the first thing that i do is to pick up the phone and call my other bestfriend.

The biggest trouble with T1 is 2 years ago, we got into an argument when chatting and i told him about the incident, about why i decided to go. He said sorry, he feel bad about it but i couldnt forgive him. We were still friend but not "best"

And he failed me again, in my father funeral 6 months ago. I can only return to my country the day before of the funeral, i was there from 6am to see my father the last time. I didnt bother to call any other friends of mine, only to call my bestfriends... And they did come, 2pm in the afternoon, I stoped crying and hold myself together before they came but when i heard about them coming, i started to cry uncontrollably again. They walked past me to my father coffin, when they went back past me, the other best friend of mine look at me sadly but T1 avoided my eyes. And they walk away. I didnt heard or see them again that day. Not a word of condolences was spoken and i was back when i decided to go away from my country again.

I've came to term with not being comforted by T1, i expected it from him. But everytime after that, he repeatedly say sorry but he think it's a small thing and i'm being unneccessary hard on him. All i need is for him to admit he has failed me but all he does is to have my forgiveness, to have a peace in mind, to know he isnt a bad person. He keeps on saying he wont do it again but he failed me for a second time. 2 months ago, i was so fed up of him saying all these stuff about "when you go up you'll understand that i love you as a sister, i didnt fail you", "time will prove it for me" etc and i purposely tell all of my opinion about him to him. I pushed too hard, he shouted at me and in the end, he said "dont ever see me again", "i'm happy that you're out of my life". That's what i did and i dont feel a thing not being friends with him again.

It's getting too long, i'll post the other 2 person later

2nd person: boyfriend:

My current boyfriend was one of the first people that i've met since i'd gone to another country (4 years ago). At first, i didnt that much impression on him and didnt even notice he was there. At that time, i was busy liking another guy.... That guy and I wasnt in a monogamous relationship by then and my boyfriend in my eyes at the time was just an annoying guy that follow me arround all days. All that to be said, i was kind of 2 timing back then (wasnt in a monogamous relatioship but i accepted both of them at some point back then). It got messy for awhile (few months?) and i reluctantly broke up with the other guy because i'm afaid, i my affection for him is too much. I decided to be with my boyfriend because i love him an appropriate amount of love. That's who i am.

My bf isnt the best bf out there, he isnt a gentment kind of guy, always want to argue with me, cant even pick me up when i return at 11 pm from work because he's playing game etc but we were and are happy together. We dont have strong chemistry, we dont have that much romance but we are attached with eachother, need each other's company. That's all i need.

And things happen, he couldnt find a job here in this country, he agreed to stay here for a year with me now but he couldnt land an interview. I could see it's destroying him, see him transform from a disciplined person to a person who just play online game over night. I'm ruining his life if i ask him to continue staying here with me and long distance relationship doesnt work ever.

I know you would tell me of going back with him and that's what i told him up until a month ago, when my job is stablized, i even got side job that would help me earn more.... and the appearance of the 3rd guy... Now i'm starting to change my mind....

I know that i'm a horrible,horrible person, i'm in the middle of thinking if i should go back with him. I'm scared if i go back, all awaiting me is married which i dont want yet... my sister just got married and her husband and her i living in my house, my earning will be reduced greatly (i took loan to study abroad, somebody has to pay it...)

last one...

I know T via a friend who introduced us to work together in a project. The first day when we met (never met before), i went to his office but unable to find it. I called him, he said to describe where i'm and he'll pick me up. I didnt give a good instruction (terible at that) and he end up running around to find me. When he was at the place i told him i'm and didnt see anybody, he called me said he doesnt see anybody there, i turned arround, seeing nobody either and told him "i cant see you either". Just something like that and he laughed. I felt delighted and had good impression on him.

Finally, he found where i was, i turned around, stared at the guy who was staring at me, unsure if i'm the one he's looking for. The moment i stared in to his eyes, i felt that he is a special person. He appears as a great gentlement, always pick me up whenever i need to do to his office, take me back to the bus stop after the meeting and waited for the bus there with me (it's 9pm people...) and he uses "would you like ..." alot. His voice is the most memorable thing i've every heard, so soft, so caring. Even if i told him he doesnt have to wait with me or he is busy, he can go, he still insisted on it.

To the 4th meeting, i knew disaster is coming in the horizon, i decided to work online rather than meeting him in person anymore. There was a girl there in the last meeting (usually just me and him). I could see that she likes him and felt down the whole evening cause she should be the one with him, not me. I have a boyfriend... And after the meeting, i told him i wont be coming over again, the work is almost finished and we can do the rest via emails.

2 months passed and i thought i have the peace of my mind again. He contacted me again to see if i would like to do another project with him. Time has passed and i thought i'm over it already so i agreed... But the affection grows again. I'm still able keep it at minimum level and sometime i think i could get over this but my heart still skips a beat when i see his message/ see his incoming call/ email/ online in chat application (all work related though).

And via facebook, i found a picture of a girl he said his gf :). The other day, something came accross and i asked about his gf, he said it's his ex, the girl i see the other day is his gf (he introduced her to me using her name, not: "this is my girlfriend"... or maybe he said it but i didnt catch it). Maybe my imagination but i could feel the reluctant in his voice when he said he has a gf.... I told him that day i have a bf as well :) no grudge because he said he has a gf but because i hadnt told him i have a bf and it's about time to tell as well...