So, as most of you probably know, I am a rather vocal supporter of turning your back and leaving the past behind. Most of the time it works in my favor, but I realized today that it also holds me back.
A while back, I dated a girl who pretty much screwed me six ways from Sunday. The breakup was something beyond nasty and never ending. We finally parted ways and I completely shut the door on it all. When it's over with me, it's over. I don't look back and I severe all lines of communication or interaction. This was no different than any other time. I was pissed and hit the breaking point.
Well, karma reared its ugly head here a year and change later. She and the guy we split up over broke up for whatever reason. She got in contact with me and asked me to go to coffee, telling me that she really would like me as a friend. I slept on it for a while, because I had seen these things before from her. For whatever reason, I had a gut feeling that this time might be different.
I have long since let go of any romantic feelings for her, so I came to the table knowing exactly where I stood. We talked for a little while before class and just caught up on life in general. We didn't talk about anything related to the past, which was good. I think my gut was right, she was composed and herself, but her eyes told a different story. Granted I hadn't interacted with her in a long time, everything I sensed tells me she is alone and just reaching out for a friend(s). Time will tell if I am right or not, either way, nothing lost.
I have had a seething hatred for her for a long time now. Sitting down and talking to her reminded me that she is a human being and not perfect. I wont forget what she did, but I finally feel truly at ease about everything, like a huge load has been taken off of my shoulders. I didn't realize just how much of a burden I have been putting on myself, hating her. My personality has been altered for sometime now over what happened, and reinforced by my own stubbornness.
I feel like I am slowly turning back into the person I was before all of this. A friendlier, happier person who is much less critical about other people and things. It's been too long since I have felt like the person I am. Who knew that harboring hatred would be a double edged sword.
I don't want to kiss the sky and leave this world holding fast to hate for someone. I am better than that.
