The Englishman who just wants to hold the American

Hi all,

I’ve got a little bit a situation I’m not sure how to progress. I feel as though I'm on thin ice and need to make the right move to get the best possible result.

Ok, I won’t write an essay on the whole situation but in October this year, I met a girl the same age as me on one of these free dating websites. I live in London and only came across her because she has her location set to London. She is American and lives in Colorado, but lived here in the UK for 3 months earlier this year. She wants to move back here when she graduates in 2 years to study further here. Anyway, we’ve been in contact now pretty much every day since meeting in the cyber world. We use to write long emails to each other daily but now we talk on Messenger or speak on Skype. Although we’ve never physically met, we just click. We’re on the same wavelength and get each other. The conversation never dries up and it can go on for hours, with the longest one night lasting nearly 8 hours on Messenger! And they are not just one sided with one person leading, it’s both of us. Problem is, we’re getting along so well that I’m developing feelings for her. There is nothing more at the moment I want than to simply meet her and hug her. The reality is we’re 4,600 miles apart. I don’t love her because I don’t think you can achieve without actually having met the person but there is definitely something there. My question is, do I, and if so, how do I, tell her how I feel? I want to know how she feels about me. The closest I have to talking to her is a Skype phonecall. I would love to tell her face to face but that can't happen. 2 years is a long time to wait for someone to come back to London (and of course, there is no guarantee in that happening or either of us remaining single that long). But if she feels something for me, I would fly out there within a few months to meet her, and if we get on just aswell, well, we'd have to take it from there. And if something did flower, I would return a few times over the next 2 years as I can get staff travel discounts flying. The travel & cost is not the issue here. There is plenty of other details I could go into but I’m trying to keep it short! While she was in London, she purchased a scarf from Camden. She told me she lost in the US and I think she felt a bit cheesed off she lost it because it was special to her, something that reminded her of London. In a bid to impress her, I went to Camden after work one day, found the exact same scarf, and sent it to her as a Christmas present. Apart from being a nice gesture, I hope this may have gone some way to hinting that I care about her.

I feel I need to tell her soon that I like her otherwise I could sit here waiting for 2 years, only to realise when/if she arrives, we don’t match. I'm sure whatever happens we'll remain friends. But I don’t want to scare or freak off at the same time when I tell her. Any tips?

Thanks :)

You met her on a dating website. Shouldn't it already be clear what your intentions were?

Lol yeah you would think so :P. It was one of these sites where you can say what you are looking for... Her's only has "New Friends" listed. I having "Dating" & "New Friends" on mine because I never changed it from the default. Bummer. She is single though.

I really don't think she's oblivious to your feelings or intentions. After all 8 hour conversations go a bit beyond friendship. I don't think you'd be setting yourself up for heartbreak if you tell her how you feel. She probably feels the same way, and is also looking for a way to tell you.

at the end of the day what have you got to lose by just coming out with it?
If you tell he she either tells you shes not interested that way or she feels the same, if you dont tell her, you are just left wondering for 2 years!

This might seem like a stupid question, but have you video chatted with her on skype (I'm assuming that's what you mean by skype call)? If not, I would recommend trying it out to make sure that you're attracted to her physically since people can look different in pictures than in real life.

Doesn't sound like the distance is that much of an issue so, I say go for it.

BTW, I met my husband on a dating website. He's an Englishman (Londoner) as well, but he's here in the states on a work visa so fortunately we didn't have to worry about the distance. Conincidentally, my twin sister married a guy from Manchester. We like to freak out our family members by joking that we ordered them out of the same British man catalogue.

I met a woman this way, we're both in the US but she's 1700 miles away.

It was the same deal ... up all night on the phone, endless emails -- confidences shared, we just clicked, etc. Went to visit her after a couple months of that and she took me straight to her bed. Woo hoo. But the trajectory of our relationship since has been she's increasingly pushing me away. Because for her, it's just too much, too soon. She needs time and due to personal issues really has no business being in a relationship until they are resolved (financial pressures, career issues, some latent grief and loss issues).

In retrospect I wonder if the fact I was 1700 miles away and she was lonely, made me "safe" and then it got out of hand and now she doesn't want to hurt me, but regrets it. She loves me, but she can't open up to me like she wants to and should.

My advice to you is, make sure this person is available for a relationship -- consistently emotionally available and committed. If she shows any signs of randomly pulling back, or if she just shows signs of in any way being a "fixer upper" then don't get in any deeper. You'll just end up putting your life on hold, thinking better times are somewhere around the next corner.

Also if she expresses any doubts at all -- anything but unalloyed delight -- at the suggestion you would like to come meet her, back right off until she's clear about that.

Let's face it, there are millions of people within driving distance of London ... thousands of whom you could probably have just as much connection with. The trick of course is meeting them. Long distance relationships are hell if they work out, and hell if they don't. I don't think I'll ever try one again. It's just a lot of unnecessary time, expense, and effort.

Of course the attraction is, here's something that appears to be clicking, you've developed feelings, and now ... you just gotta know. Believe me, I understand that. Go on and find out ... but promise yourself you won't move too quickly. If you need to declare your love immediately and turn it into a breathless romance, don't go there.

On a related note.. my niece is dating a guy from England. She lives in mid-west America. They met online, and were "dating" online for about 8 months before she finally flew out to meet him. Since then she's flown out many times, and he's flown here many times. They love each other deeply, and will no doubt end up being together once they're both done with school. So it can work out. Just thought I'd share that. :)

I would say she's definitely showing signs of interest. Why else would she be spending so much time talking to you on the phone, emailing, messaging, chatting?? That's a lot of time to invest in someone you don't really care that much about. Tell her - she may be waiting for you to make the first move anyway. :)

Hi all, thanks for the comments. It's nice to hear a few of the successful long distance relationships out there :). But yeah, I know exactly what people mean by saying there are people a lot closer who I’d click with just as well. To be honest, that is how I would like it, you know, with the option to jump in the car and be at her house in no time. But its happened this way and I can't help my feelings. We haven't use video calling yet as I don't have a webcam however we both got each other on Facebook and seen plenty of photos of one another. Also made a couple of videos (all innocent!) that we've sent each other. If there was no light at the end of the tunnel, i.e. if neither one of us had plans to move abroad, even just for a year or two, then I wouldn't entertain the idea of a long distance relationship. It's the fact that there is light which makes me feel stronger for her. I'm not sure whether to tell her in a serious way that I like her or to somehow make it light hearted & jokey, like when the time is right in a call and we're chatting away & there is perfect place to say something, say something like "Do you know, so long as you were in the UK, even if you were up in Scotland, i'd have asked you out by now", see how she takes it, and then sort of ask "And if I had, what would do you think your answer would have been?" or something similar. You know, just something not too serious, incase she doesn't feel the same way. I can be quite witty and jokey if it did go wrong, so I feel I could divert the conversation away from that so as not to make her feel uncomfortable if it didn't go quite right (wow that sounds quite big headed!). But at the same time, I would be quite happy to tell her straight my feelings & thoughts... I just don't know how she would take it. I don't want to freak her out lol!

Thanks :)