I think I messed things up again

Hey all.

I hope everyone is having a good holiday season.

I have always gotten good advice here when I needed it so I thought Id ask about my latest mess :p

So, myself and this girl have gotten closer and closer over the past few years. To the point where we have fallen in love. However, from a past relationship that. . well I guess it damaged me I have been very afraid to commit as I thought that if I did I would end up losing this girl. I say this because I was with another girl, fell in love and was dumped within a week of that. So it left me very scared and messed up of getting into a similar situation. For example it took me a while to actually feel comfortable to say I love you even though I had left like it for a while before hand with the current girl.

So a relationship for a long time wasnt on the cards for me and we both agreed we would get together when we could and keep things quiet. We got some time away together and we had a weekend of passion many months ago.

Her parents dont really like me. When there was a long time between us seeing eachother we would send pics, I suppose as you do when you are a teenager. She left the pic of me in a silly place on her phone and her mam found it when she was "looking for a phone number" but how she ended up in saved messages is beyond me. She was looking at messages between the two of us.

She also lied to her parents about us going out for shopping and dinner. She was caught.

I never implied she should that or spending time with me quiet from her parents, we were best friends spending time with eachother, but she did and was caught.. A rift formed between them and her for a month.

She was banned from seeing me and we couldn’t see eachother nearly as much as normal
I know it was my fault for being unwilling to commit but I was genuinely uncomfortable doing so. Because of this and because I though she deserved better I said that if we were at a night club we could get with some random people but nothing more, just enjoy our time out since we cant see eachother. She agreed and did it a few times, and I did once. I asked was she comfortable doing it and she was.

That was a month or two ago now, I have finally managed to get over my fear of committing and I told her because I wanted to talk about it.

I know it was out of the blue and she was surprised but she is blaming me for the rift with her parents and she is annoyed that I have gotten over my personal problems now and not before the rift happened.

I accepted blame for being scared. But she blames me for it all.

Where I am standing I never forced her to accept the pic or lie to her parents.
Now she isn’t talking to me like she used to. No xxxx’s after her messages, unless I do it a lot then I might get one. She texts me much later in the night, when she is going to bed so our convos are really short.

I think we are messed up for good now.
I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest because its tearing me apart to be honest. If we do get messed up for good I don’t think I could ever really get over it.


I know I probably dont deserve sympathy or anything. It feels more like a chest releasing post now :P

Thanks
bbk