Deeply personal (cross posted)
I feel very embarrassed asking this question as, in my late 30s, I though I would have the answer.
So, I work very long hours for an 'average company' and, for the last couple of years, have had almost daily contact with a lovely lady who also works there - our job roles necessitated this contact from the outset. This lady is completely the opposite of me - outgoing, fun, joyful and carefree (in a sensible, mature way), whereas, although I've been told I'm caring, I'm no longer outgoing, permanently serious, somewhat dour and constantly in a state of flux - mostly due to said workload. This lady also has alot of outside interests whereas I am a confirmed workaholic.
For the first eight months to one year of knowing this lady, I simply treated this lady as another work colleague, and didn't think anything else. That was fine...a manageable situation.
Something odd has happened in the last few months which I didn't expect - whilst we worked together, from my POV, we found some common ground and started to enjoy each others company a bit more. We seemed to become firm workfriends.
I started helping out with things causing difficulty workwise (new role), completely out of this workfriendship...these things were always met with unexpected thank you's, kind looks etc.
Step forward to the last three months: Something with me has changed. With my feet firmly on the floor, I have become in awe of this person. I believe that I (am still falling) in love with this person, a great deal.
Just before the Christmas vacation, my feelings had become amplified, together with working even longer hours at work. My head started to bend out of shape and these carefully nurtured feelings exploded in my head. The end result was a massive panic attack which I tried to hide, but was found out. Unfortunately, I was in a right state, shaking and crying (badly). For some reason, this lady spent the next two hours talking to me at length. There was a lot of stuff explained but nothing said outright about our workfriendship. I asked outright if we were friends, and was told only on a work basis. This lady was kind listening and also firm-but-fair in what was said.
The sum of all these events was that I was devastated, both emotionally and physically. However, I managed to pull myself round over the weekend, mainly through reading and reading and reading.
When I returned to work the following week, I though I was for it. However, this lady was the kindest anyone could have been and said that we were friends and I'm an asset as well as a friend.
Although things are calm on the surface, I cannot seem to get past the point of being an emotional wreck. I find myself in a constant state flux between extreme happiness and sadness - crying alot, that sort of thing. These things occur regardless of the daily situation I find myself in.
The feelings I have for this lady, I do not feel being returned, which is kinda fine in the short term. We get on like great friends. I do extra stuff (in the way I behave towards and what is done for) this lovely person to let them know that I care, and this is openly appreciated.
Is this a love I have for someone else, or something more simple?
Any advice on what I should, can say, or how to move forwards?
I am fretful, and fearful, of blowing everything if I even hint at the three words.
