He is way older than me, I still want to date him
Well, to start off I'm older than 20 but younger than 25, so I'm not a little immature girl. He is 30 years older, divorced (his wife was cheating on him) and has two full-grown kids.
I don't know where to start because I know that not all people will understand this.
Anyway, for 1,5 years ago, we got a new teacher in some subjects. I was 19 years then.
He was the first one at paying attention. One day I brought the same book as he currently was reading and he was so impressed that a young girl like me did read those classic books. We started to talk about books and found out that we had the same taste. I didn't pay attention to him even though he liked the same books as me, he does look great (all female students are totally in love with him...teachers too for that matter) but after that little chat I started to hate him. I don't know why and still doesn't know why I did it. Maybe I tried to refuse that he got me intrested, maybe because he was older. Maybe because he was my teacher.
Anyway, he started to pay more attention. Everytime I read a book, he almost flew towards me, interested in what I was reading. One day he said in front of the whole class, just out of the blue "and there are these students who have a terrific taste in books" while he was giving me a huge smile and a long gaze. I was sort of humilated, I don't really like when people give me all attention. I couldn't understand why he said this, why he wanted me to stand out from the rest. It didn't make it better when the entire class turned their heads towars me and stared as well. I just started to dislike him more and more. I was disturbed and didn't want this attention even though I knew that he was quite impressed by me.
My class talked always about him. On parties, on the freetime, in school. I knew that all girls were attracted to him even though no one wanted to admit it. Instead they said that he was gay (because he allways was dressed well) or that he had relationships with his students (he never had). I believed them. I thought he was gay, I thought he was a dirty old man. And I did show that disgust towards him. In six months I was mean to him everytime he paid attention to me, everytime he started to talk about books, everytime he wanted to borrow me some, everytime he said to other teachers that I was funny, I was an ideal for a good student, even though I wasn't, there were students which were way better than me, students which read more books than I did.
Inside I knew that I was wrong. He wasn't that man my classmates described him as. I'm very good at reading people and I knew that he wasn't gay. He never had any relationship with any students. He was an emotional man, even though he tried to hide it well. I knew it, and I knew that I hurted him. He never came with any sexual conversations. He never tried to hug me. Actually he hugged me less than he hugged other students. He could stroke their arms, pat their heads, give them hugs, but never did that to me. All I could get was like a small hit towards my arm. I said this once, why he always gave me these light hits, and he just answered that he did that to everyone. After that he stopped even with that.
I also reliazed (while I was mean to him) that we had lots incommon. We liked the same food, same drinks, he wore that clothes I wanted my future partner to wear, we had the same opinions, we disliked the same students, we liked the same things (art, where to walk, music). I am quite old-fashioned myself. I have always been way to mature for my age (started to hear this when I was like five!!)
Still I didn't show that I was fascinated by him. I didn't wanted to let him know that he was the first person of the opposite sex that I had so much incommon with.
I have dated many boys, but never had a relationship. Boys like me, even though I don't see myself as a sexy girl. I do hear that I'm cute and sweet but most of all people say that my personality is very attractive, that they never met a girl like me.
When I was 15, I decided to start a relationship with that boy whom I would have much incommon with and congratulations, I got that boy...eerm...man, old man who was like my twin. Great.
I disliked him in sex months, or well, I tried to. One day everything changed. I woke up and was totally in love with him. It was like I reliazed that I tried to tell myself that I wasn't when I was.
I came that day to school. I also just encountered to wear the same kind of polo as him, in the same colour, though my was for girls, his was for men. He saw that change straight away. We talked, he smiled, he laughed. He got nervous and so did I. The whole class noticed that too.
Like ten of my classmates asked me why we had the same polos, if we were dating, why we looked so happy. I tried to joke and smile, but stayed quiet.
We started to flirt. He wasn't afraid of showing that he liked me. His voice changed when talked to me in front of the whole class, his laughs changed. We started to talk about personal things, about hobbies, about books, not school. One day I hugged him, he stiffed like a stone in the entire body, got all serios and looked angrily at me.
Other day he was the one who hugged me (I gave him a drawing) and he hugged me so tight that I thougt he was going to break my bones. We had more physical contact, but it was never something sexual. He always looked so nervous but also so happy and we were staying silent for a long time while we were holding our hands close to each other.
he started to get jealous and I found that funny. When I hugged a boy or even a girl, he always gave me a mad glance though he tried to hide it and then next day he stood and talked to a girl and looked like he was madly in love with her and paid her all attention knewing that I was watching them. It never did hurt me because I knew that he only was playing.
One of my best friends noticed our glances. We had a lesson and the entire lesson we spent staring at each other, we stared like 10 seconds at each other, sat there and stared. She never asked me what was going on between us two but I knew that she knew.
Sometimes he ignored me, ignored me very hard. Especially when there were teachers around but also when more and more people started to notice our little game. I knew he got scared sometimes. But even if he could ignore me for a week, I still knew he liked me. And he never ignored me more than a week.
One of the female teacher always looked mad at me because I knew she liked him, every time I was talking to him, she stared at me angrily. It was fun.
We never talked about our feelings, I knew and he knew that it never could be us. I called him one day and said that I liked him. His voice changed (from happy to angry) and he said that I should move on, that nothing could arise between such a young girl as me and an old man as him. I got sad. I knew that. It was like two weeks before my graduation.
He didn't change after that call. He behaved the same. A day before the graduation he said that I was going to be remembered long time on the school. He was sad when he said that and I knew he ment himself, that he was going to remember me. We hugged as always, I gave him a drawing, I knew he was going to like it and he did. He became like a child, promising me that he would frame it.
On the graduation day I hugged him very tight. I almost broke his ribs. We stood and hugged each other for like 30 seconds in front of the whole school. He wanted to tell me something but didn't say it, only "come on visit someday" because my friend stood beside me and wanted to hug him as well.
Now it's been like 8 months since that. I have met him once after that (I'm in uni now). Once when I was with my friend and he didn't even say hi to me. He looked so serious and did ignore me but not my friend. He said hi to her and was very happy. I couldn't get him then, why he was so mad. Didn't he get over me? Why was he so mad? Was he hurt? Did I ruin his life?
For a month ago (before Christmas), I wrote him an email, I said that some classmates and I were going to visit the school. He answered very cold on that one, said that it were so many things going on that he didn't have time. Obviously, he tries to ignore me.
I have dated guys since the graduation. I really tried to forget him. I dated handsome boys, in my age. Boys who fell in love with me. Boys whom I kissed but never enjoyed it. I realized that I cannot kiss someone whom I'm not in love with. I turned down on them. Boys who call me and say that I should give them a chance, but I don't. I didn't have as many things incommon with them as I have with him.
I have tried to forget him and it doesn't work. 8 months have passed and I'm still as much in love with him as I was for 8 months ago.
I do really want to date him, but I don't want a relationship. A real realionship. I would even be happy if we had that sort of relationship there we see each other once in a month, and then are back in our daily patterns again. I don't need marriage and kids. He has kids and I don't want any because I have been through a back operation when I was younger (I don't look different on the outside, only in the inside of my back) and there is a risk that my back gets worse if I get any kids (I know that one of my older friends who has two kids is in great pain now. She needs a wheel-chair and pills). I too, am afraid of the risks he must take. The risks that people will find him a pervo, a dirty old man, a teacher who dates his ex student. I know how happy I made him, how he shined like a sun everytime he saw me. How he smiled genuine when I smiled towards him. I wanted to be that sun in his life, and I still want that. I know that he needs it, that he is unhappy but I understand. I am way too young, and if his wife, who is in his age, left him for someone else, there is bigger chance that I'm going to do that too, because I'm young.
What do I do? I may be young, but I'm not stupid and I know that I'm in love with him.
I'm going to visit the school with some classmates soon and he is going to be there. I know he will ignore me and I don't know how to make him understand that I love him for real and that this isn't something that disappears. What should I say? How do I make him understand?
