Asking the females about this approach to "spilling it"

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17-01-10, 02:15 PM
TheWizard

Asking the females about this approach to "spilling it"

This is sort of a follow up from a thread I started in a different forum, I'm looking more specifically for a woman's input on it now.

The original thread is here (but you don't HAVE to read it): [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/37867-need-some-advice-one.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/37867-need-some-advice-one.html
[/URL]

Important things to know if you opt not to read the other post.

- She has a BF
- Trying to express to her about my recent falling for her
- We've known each other really well about 7 months, and hang out once every week to two weeks, talk online maybe an hour or 2 every 2-3 days or text briefly within a similar timeframe.

Update:

Just wanted to follow up and say I choked a bit tonight - I'm still heavily debating telling her (that I am falling for her) because of the so many possibilities. We were flirty and she was receptive of my touching, we cooked a lunch together after going to the store and buying all the goodies and had some drinks.

As the night went on and we were on the couch indulging in our hobby I was very aware that her body position on the couch left enough room for another person between us. Typically this is what I would call a "bad sign". Having said that she didn't jostle or move when I was petting her dog that was on her lap and brushing her thighs and whatnot or otherwise moved into her space. I also made a comment about the food and playfully rested my hand on her stomach. I think it's possible she reciprocates feelings but might be trying to restrict herself so as not to invite or inadvertently start something unfaithful - which I absolutely respect, and if she insinuated I would stop. If this is the case I want her to know that I wouldn't do that as part of telling her how I feel.

I guess it wouldn't be risky if it wasn't worth it right?

Anyway, I was thinking about putting it out there in the context of me though.

As an example, tell her I need to talk with her and arrange a meet up at one of our usual spots. Tell her I've come to the realization that I've inadvertently fallen for her and just needed to tell her so that it didn't eat me up inside, and elude to the fact that she shouldn't worry about me doing anything because that's not how I am and I respect the relationship boundaries. Maybe even tell her at that end of whatever comes out (because let's face it a script? please that won't come out anything like it would mean to anyway) that she doesn't have to respond, it was really more for me and to prevent it from getting in the way of the present relationship we have.

As long as it doesn't sound too selfish of course.

I hate this situation because even though I'm capable of what I consider decent advice, my inner turmoil is skewing my judgment and I need input. Blinded by Love I guess is an applicable term, but the L word is not accurate.

As a side note I'm totally ok with her not reciprocating THAT kind of feeling. The only lose I would consider here is that she gets weird-ed out enough that we can't hang out anymore, that would be incredibly unfortunate for us both I think. I just don't want to to wonder "what if" forever, and it seems like a good way to put it in the open.

Ladies, I'm dying for your input. And Primo, I guess you can add something to.

I've heard two things on this. Tell her, and hope for the best or wait until maybe her BF and her call it quits and move in later. Normally I would go with Number 2, but this is so sudden and overwhelming I need to squash it one way or the other I think.
17-01-10, 04:19 PM
lahnnabell

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWizard [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is sort of a follow up from a thread I started in a different forum, I'm looking more specifically for a woman's input on it now.

The original thread is here (but you don't HAVE to read it): [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/37867-need-some-advice-one.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/37867-need-some-advice-one.html
[/URL]

Important things to know if you opt not to read the other post.

- She has a BF
- Trying to express to her about my recent falling for her
- We've known each other really well about 7 months, and hang out once every week to two weeks, talk online maybe an hour or 2 every 2-3 days or text briefly within a similar timeframe.

She has a boyfriend. Do you really want to encourage her to cheat? If she is willing to cheat on her boyfriend (even emotionally), would you be able to trust that she wouldn't do that to you?

Quote:

Update:

Just wanted to follow up and say I choked a bit tonight - I'm still heavily debating telling her (that I am falling for her) because of the so many possibilities. We were flirty and she was receptive of my touching, we cooked a lunch together after going to the store and buying all the goodies and had some drinks.

You're getting touchy while she has a boyfriend? I think you know what I'm going to say. How are you spending this time together? Cooking lunch together? I save those cutsie activities for my man.

Quote:

As the night went on and we were on the couch indulging in our hobby I was very aware that her body position on the couch left enough room for another person between us.

Yeah, 'cause she has a boyfriend. She shouldn't be sidling up to you.

Quote:

Typically this is what I would call a "bad sign". Having said that she didn't jostle or move when I was petting her dog that was on her lap and brushing her thighs and whatnot or otherwise moved into her space. I also made a comment about the food and playfully rested my hand on her stomach. I think it's possible she reciprocates feelings but might be trying to restrict herself so as not to invite or inadvertently start something unfaithful - which I absolutely respect, and if she insinuated I would stop. If this is the case I want her to know that I wouldn't do that as part of telling her how I feel.

I guess it wouldn't be risky if it wasn't worth it right?

Anyway, I was thinking about putting it out there in the context of me though.

As an example, tell her I need to talk with her and arrange a meet up at one of our usual spots. Tell her I've come to the realization that I've inadvertently fallen for her and just needed to tell her so that it didn't eat me up inside, and elude to the fact that she shouldn't worry about me doing anything because that's not how I am and I respect the relationship boundaries. Maybe even tell her at that end of whatever comes out (because let's face it a script? please that won't come out anything like it would mean to anyway) that she doesn't have to respond, it was really more for me and to prevent it from getting in the way of the present relationship we have.

As long as it doesn't sound too selfish of course.

You sound incredibly selfish.

Is her relationship with this other guy on the rocks in some way? Can you imagine how you'd feel if there were some dude sneakily trying to steal your girl away? Would you even be letting your girl hang out with that guy? Do you not think she's capable of turning this around and doing the same thing to you some day? Or are you THAT confident that you're her Mr. Right?

Judging from the way she is letting you touch her and the time she spends with you, she reciprocates your feelings. She seems to think that her "non-action" absolves her of any cheating behavior. This is false.

You two need to get real. You can lay it out there and hope that she leaves her boyfriend, but I would not bet on it. She seems to be enjoying this little limbo where she can sneakily get attention from you, and then keep her boyfriend cozied up to her. I guarantee you she'd bail on you if you forced her to choose. But I could be wrong...
17-01-10, 07:54 PM
vashti

I take the part of the devil's advocate on these issues.

This girl is not married or engaged, and until she is, all is fair in love and war. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is NOT the same thing as being married. There is no contractual agreement for them to stick it out, no children involved, so there is no reason in my mind that you can't allude to how you are feeling. She will either reciprocate the feeling, or she won't. If I were you, I don't think I'd spill ALL my guts, though. What I *would* do is tell her that you want her to get rid of the BF so you could date her legitimately. If she cares more for you than her boyfriend, she will get rid of him. Conversely, if she loves her boyfriend, your declaration will be meaningless to her.

I also think if she isn't interested in dating you, you should cut contact (for your own good). You can't really be friends with someone you have feelings for.

And unless she routinely dumps one guy for another, I disagree that this means you won't be able to trust her in the future.
17-01-10, 08:34 PM
sookie6

Sadly and realistically when not married, not engaged, with no kids involved and with the two of them not living together all is fair on your side...

She is the one who should be struggling with moral issues and she might be.

Or selfishly she wants to check you out before leaving what she has.

Vashti's advice is great on how to progress from now on.

Don't get too attached before you are on steady grounds! (mmm...probably to late...)
18-01-10, 03:48 AM
TheWizard

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is her relationship with this other guy on the rocks in some way?

Yes and no, she's openly talked about reflecting and taking a good look at her life at the moment and making changes, reflecting on decisions she's made and the like. I would imagine her current lovelife is a potential part of that.

Also to be clear I choked in spilling the beans, not in making a move.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You two need to get real. You can lay it out there and hope that she leaves her boyfriend, but I would not bet on it. She seems to be enjoying this little limbo where she can sneakily get attention from you, and then keep her boyfriend cozied up to her. I guarantee you she'd bail on you if you forced her to choose. But I could be wrong...

Hoping she would leave her boyfriend is one thing, I'm really more concerned with the prospect of losing her as a friend should laying it out shit all over everything. She probably is enjoying this limbo... women enjoy being chased/desired and this has occurred to me. Her boyfriend is aware we are hanging out since she shares that with him. He doesn't seem to care too much.

In the end the idea here is not to proposition her with an ultimatum, that's a losing battle before it even starts, and a pretty dumb idea at best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I take the part of the devil's advocate on these issues.

This girl is not married or engaged, and until she is, all is fair in love and war. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is NOT the same thing as being married. There is no contractual agreement for them to stick it out, no children involved, so there is no reason in my mind that you can't allude to how you are feeling. She will either reciprocate the feeling, or she won't. If I were you, I don't think I'd spill ALL my guts, though. What I *would* do is tell her that you want her to get rid of the BF so you could date her legitimately. If she cares more for you than her boyfriend, she will get rid of him. Conversely, if she loves her boyfriend, your declaration will be meaningless to her.

I also think if she isn't interested in dating you, you should cut contact (for your own good). You can't really be friends with someone you have feelings for.

And unless she routinely dumps one guy for another, I disagree that this means you won't be able to trust her in the future.

I'm glad to see two sides of the fence on this one. No she doesn't routinely dump her boyfriends, she generally sticks to one for awhile and she says typically they are always friends of hers when it does become something more romantic. She tends to be more of an introvert so I suppose it's a side effect of that.

Declaring she get rid of her boyfriend seems on par with an ultimatum - is there really no way to share that I have feelings for her in such a way that doesn't put a woman in a flight or fight response situation? Also, specifically for Vashti: is asking her if she's entertained the idea of us in her head before along similar lines or way out of bounds?

Appreciating the advice, especially Lahnnabell's in depth analysis. I wrote it after it all happened and I have since had time to recollect myself a bit. It is incredibly selfish of me, and I have had my time to collect my thoughts a bit and view more of the full picture.

Does a woman not deserve to know? I mean in all reality she probably already knows, she has to since you claim she's basically participating in cheating activities that aren't typically labeled as cheating but you're right, clearly are...

I might have to start distancing myself from this situation and go back out with some other girls I hang out with to help shake the bonds of unsightly inner turmoil :shocked:
18-01-10, 05:05 AM
qwertz

you should tell her how you feel. Dont push it on her but just let her know. Leave the ball in her court and let her choose.
18-01-10, 11:32 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWizard [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Declaring she get rid of her boyfriend seems on par with an ultimatum - is there really no way to share that I have feelings for her in such a way that doesn't put a woman in a flight or fight response situation? Also, specifically for Vashti: is asking her if she's entertained the idea of us in her head before along similar lines or way out of bounds?

Of course it's an ultimatum... unless you plan to SHARE this girl with other males, she is going to have to choose one or the other, right?

I don't really understand the second part of your post, and in any case, I don't see the point of saying it. If she says she HAS entertained the idea, then what happens next? She will have to decide if she is going to get rid of the boyfriend or not.

Overall, it just seems like a wimpier way of saying what I told you to say, and since I like males that are manly, I am less impressed by it.
18-01-10, 02:54 PM
TheWizard

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Of course it's an ultimatum... unless you plan to SHARE this girl with other males, she is going to have to choose one or the other, right?

I don't really understand the second part of your post, and in any case, I don't see the point of saying it. If she says she HAS entertained the idea, then what happens next? She will have to decide if she is going to get rid of the boyfriend or not.

Overall, it just seems like a wimpier way of saying what I told you to say, and since I like males that are manly, I am less impressed by it.

Fair enough, thanks for the response
19-01-10, 11:48 AM
lionwoman

All's fair

I say, all's fair in love and war! Yes, your female friend has a man, but if you truly have a deep connection, then you need to express how you feel. Maybe she feels the same way but is testing the waters to see how you would react. How about just saying "I know you have someone in your life but I really think you're special and we'd be great together. I would be really honoured to be your man. I'll leave the choice up to you." You could try that and see how she responds. Hope that helps!
19-01-10, 01:17 PM
IndiReloaded

I agree with Vash. They aren't married. There is nothing wrong with letting her know you admire her, especially if you think you are the better choice for her.

But, I would hold back from aggressively pursuing her once she clearly knows your interest. Part of growing up is about making choices, and breaking up with her current BF isn't an experience you should let her sneak away from. You will learn a lot about her character, actually, by observing how she handles it.