In deep emotional pain, can anyone help or share stories?

Hi all, I'm new to this forum but please let me share my story. I've had this heartache for over 3 months now and I was wondering if anyone here could give me some suggestion on how to break this logically.

The story(long): I met this boy 3 years ago. Let's called him A. It was the sweetest relationship I've ever had. I remember falling in love with him after we kissed under a tree at 2 in the morning. I remember all the lovely things he said to me, all the cute nicknames we shared and all the good times we had.

Everything started so quickly-he said he loved me after a week and we both lost our virginity to each other. I was so in love with him and thought that I was going to marry him. Then small things come up: he's from Russia and I'm Chinese. I don't know if that has something to do with our different cultures, but after a few months of dating I told my family and all my friends back home about him-yet he never did the same even after two years. His excuse was that his family is weird and that his mom would "freak out," and for friends, he said they don't talk about "stuff like that". I don't understand why he had to hide me from his family. Then I started feeling low about myself as he would jokingly criticize my body.

I loved him a lot and cared a lot about him. Whereever I went, whatever I did I thought about him.But deep inside I felt that he wasn't trying to open up for me. I felt that he was superior and I was under his control, I felt that I loved him too much yet he didn't love me the same way I did. He wasn't nearly as emotional as I am. In fact, he is really straightforward and simple minded, which is what I loved about him because that's the quality I don't have but I want to have.

We talked about this whole not-telling-family issue and he said that he would to tell his family when he's graduated and independent. I said okay I'll wait. Then things seemed to get better and we sort of talked about having a future together(always me who started).

However,all of a sudden strange things happened. After I graduated from college and moved to a different town (not far from where he lives) for grad school, this guy I've known for a few years called me out of the blue. We hung out and he kissed me. I didn't know what I was doing but I let him kissed me anyway. I didn't really like it but it was his birthday so I thought it'd just be a nice gift for him. Then one day I invited him over and I was about to tell him that I wanted to stay with my ex, but he started to touch my face. It was so gentle and I couldn't resist. We kissed again and that second time I felt some chemistry.

Naively, I thought that maybe it's a sign that my feeling for my ex wasn't really that strong, so I tried to break up with him. The first time he asked me to stay but then I told him I needed some time to consider. He waited and I continued seeing this other guy. I felt guilty but somehow I ended up breaking up with my ex anyway for no real reason other than my ex not telling his fmaily about me and this other guy I don't really like.

Shortly after this break up, I realized it was a mistake. I started missing my ex so much and having intense feelings for him. I did everything I could to try to get him back. I made many bad mistakes of calling him, crying and begging for a second chance, I even showed up at his door twice to beg him. Of course, everything I did turned against me. He made it clear that he didn't want me back because "he liked it better without me". He told me I should have some self-respect and acted really cold. Just a few weeks before that he said he loved me, and now he just switched off his feelings like nothing ever happened.

I asked him if we'll ever have a second chance and he said he doesn't know. What does that mean? Why wouldn't he just say no if he believe there's no way back? My heart is so crushed now and I can't even function. I have no motivation for anything whatsoever since I depended all my happiness on my ex.Now that he's gone, I felt that my life is falling apart, and all I want now is just to forget about him and move on. But he is just like a mental addiction and I can't get over him (it's been more than 3 months, we dated for a little more than 2 years).

I love him, and I hate it. But I just cannot get over him (I even called him and told him that, how crazy I am!). He removed me from his everything and it is obvious that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I felt that I've lost someone I truly loved, who actually once cared about me too. It was my fault that I lost him. I am so confused, regretful, guilty and depressed now. I don't know what to do.:upset:

Well, this does suck for you, but you DID cheat. He's not going to take you back, he doesnt trust you anymore. And yes, you cultural differences were a big speed bump in the realtionship, but he was honest with you about it and he stuck around with you anyways. You very easily cheated on him more than once but you can understand why he so easily lost feelings for you? The best advice I can tell you is to move on and start working toward your future. You have to learn from your mistakes and correct them the the next love in your life. Let this be a learning experience for you.