Another story..

Hello everybody,

I'm afraid this is going to be a rather long story... it's not only the story of our break-up, but in a way, it's the story of our entire relationship. I can't make anybody understand how I feel without including that...
If anybody has the patience to read it all, please reply with whatever crosses your mind. I feel that I need to talk to somebody about this..

It's been 10 months since we broke up. I feel ashamed that I'm still not over it.

We were together for little more than 3 years. He was the first man that I was ever with. I didn't understand what love was, at first I just wanted to be with somebody who I liked and just have fun. At first, I didn't think of him as somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, he was just somebody I was with until I found "the love of my life" or "somebody better".
That changed..

At some point, after we've been together for a year or so, I felt something that was new to me, like an addiction, like I couldn't be without him anymore. I analyzed it, I tried to look objectively at the way we were... the facts up until this point were:
- he was essentially a good and intelligent person, that I genuinely liked
- we had great chemistry
- he always proclaimed to love me, of the two of us up until this point he always said that he was upset because he felt he loved me more than I loved him

BUT

- I had doubts about his actual feelings for me, he often didn't make me feel like he loved me..
- he is a very egotistical person (his need before mine, always)
- we had some communication problems, we weren't "on the same wave length"
- we didn't have that much in common

After taking all this into account, I decided to break it off, because I felt that if I let myself fall in love with this person, I would suffer.

I talked to him about it, explained why I wanted us to break up. He told me that he wasn't going to let it happen, because he loved me too much. We talked and argued for hours and that was the only time that I ever saw him in such a state, he was almost crying. I couldn't hold on, I was already in love with him and the rationalization that in the future I will suffer from loving him couldn't compare to the pain of the present.
I gave in and in doing so I told myself that I accepted all the things I listed above. I accepted his egotistical nature and that my needs will come second to his and I accepted that I will be in love with somebody I couldn't always relate to intelectually.

I fell in love with him so hard, in my heart he was right there with the people I love most in this world. I came to rely on him always being there for me, on his friendship and on his love.

Which brings us to the finale.

The last couple of months were very stressful for the both of us, we had a lot of exams and problems at work.. we didn't have time for anything anymore, not even for each other. I struggled to make that time, but he was always working or studying for an exam... it felt horribly wrong to me, the fact that he didn't seem to want to spend time with me anymore, on the other hand I was stressed out by work and school too so I just told myself everything will be better after we graduated and there will be no more exams to worry about.

Finally, he told me the company he was working at was organizing a team-building, and that they couldn't bring their girlfriends/spouses along...
He spent almost the entire week over at my place, he kissed me goodbye and he left for the weekend, in that team-building. When he came back he told me that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want us to be together anymore. A week later I found out that he had moved out of his dorm room and into his new lover's apartment. I never heard from him again (with the exception of a really lame and impersonal birthday message he left on my phone).

We've been through a lot in these three years, we've even lived together for periods of time, between school semesters. We've been on holidays together, climbed mountains, swam in the sea, went to parties and supported each other through some of the most difficult moments in our lives. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of happy and significant moments that we had together that I can think of.

I can't contact him, not after what he did. And by what he did I mean the fact that he abandoned me and left me to suffer alone.

I can't forgive him. And I also can't seem to stop loving him. I have come to realize, that's just not the way it works. I'm beginning to fear that once you've let somebody into your heart, they will always be there and there's nothing you can do about it.

How can this still hurt so much after 10 months?

I'm winded out after writing this, there was more I wanted to say, but just can't go on right now.

Thanks you for reading all of this!

Hi Zoraida,
i have read all your story, and i have a little experience in love than others,
but i can tell that the fact that he cried when you told him you want to break up proves that he loves you truly, and that he did not expected you to do so to him. and you said he did love you.
but, you did break up with him, you did get him out of your life, so what do you expect from someone who has been "kicked out" of someone's life ?? i wanna say that it is natural that he find another woman, he wants to go on with his life.
and by doing this, i don't believe that he "abandoned" you.

now what to do?
in my opinion you should let him live his new life, and try to go on with your life .

you can only think of getting back to him if he broke up with his new girlfriend, cause if you think to get back to him now, it wont be fair at all, i mean won't be fair to try to "mess" his new life

Be Strong, clear your mind

Horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I looked at your list of why you wanted to break up with him and I feel like they are all valid except the not having a lot in common part.

- He didn't make you feel very loved. While he didn't make you feel like you were loved, it's very possible he just did not know how to express how he truly felt. Or maybe he didn't have as much love as he felt and was just going through the "I love you" motions. Either way, the only way he could fix this is being on his own and not in the relationship to realize how he truly feels. When you always have somebody there and always have them kind of chirping in your ear, it's too easy to dimiss how you feel as an issue because you bank on the fact that they will always be there for you regardless. When they aren't however, is when you truly start to make some changes and thoughts. One mistake of letting him back in based on his desparation and your need for him. Nothing ultimately changed on his end and he will forever have that break up as ammunition against you. You accepted him as he is and tolerated his negative attributes. Toleration is not love.

- He was egotistical. What I've learned about relationships, especially at my age in the early twenties when we have so much to figure out with our life, is that we cannot simply put the relationship above ourselves. It's not safe because anything can happen (i.e. move into a new lover's apartment) and if that relationship was your number one priority and you don't have it anymore, where does that leave you? In pieces and feeling like you wasted so much time and effort that could be put towards other things. It's not wrong to think of himself above the relationship, but there is a better way to manage your time and effort to make somebody that is important to you feel like a bigger priority. When you say egotistical, it implies that he didn't do very much for you that he could have, and that is a problem. Tolerating that is not love, you could have only done it for so long and it would have cropped up in the future I imagine.

-Communication problems. Up there with dishonesty as relationship destroyers. You said you weren't on the right wavelength? Was it because you would try to tell him something and he wouldn't listen? Would he twist your words around? If that's the case, while he may not even realizing he is doing it, it is manipulative behavior and it's wrong. I used to do that myself with my ex girlfriends, and it was a learned behavior I grew up with.

---As for not having alot in common, I don't think that should be a serious issue. So he doesn't like what you like. He is his own individual as are you and it shouldn't be held against him in that respect. When we enter serious relationships, it's a feeling of constantly pushing two lives as one and we can really lose our identity and who we are if we just go with the flow. Does he not have an open mind? Does he adamantly refuse and not want to experience things that are important to you? There is a difference.

All perfectly acceptable reasons, and the fact that he didn't want to listen and put his needs first was shown in his crying and trying to get you back. He was crying sure, and I'm sure he cares, but was he doing it because he only cared about what you were doing to HIM? Because to just up and leave you one day for somebody else with little care to how you feel is typical selfish behavior. If he was honest about how he felt, he would have talked to you long before that other person came along. He may hit alot of things on your checklist but if you have a gut feeling, you should stick with it. You have alot of self worth and shouldn't feel like you have to settle.

Are you in your late thirties? Do you feel like the clock is ticking? Sorry if it's personal, just curious I suppose.

Zoraida, I feel I can relate to your story because I did the same mistakes as your ex's. I was in do-or-die circumstances in my study and works, so I pushed myself to the limit. In the process, I let myself to be too occupied with study and works, making my ex felt ignored, and at one point, met another woman and left my ex for her.

It was a decision I still regret to this day because it was only out of infatuation. Of course, the relationship with the other woman didn't take off. My ex was still waiting for me and convinced me to go back with her so I did. However, too much damage had been down and our relationship went downhill from there until she broke it off last August.

And you know what? My ex has found someone else, who I believe is taking care of her well and giving her the happiness she truly deserves. My point is, I know you've been hurt because you opened your heart to this man. But one day, the right man will come into your life and erase all your pain from the past. Keep that possibilities in mind and don't close your heart. What's done is done. Don't look back and live on!

Another point to make is, you'd rather find out about how disloyal your ex is sooner than later. Yes, three years is a long time, but at least you haven't got married because a divorce would have been more devastating that a break up.

@giga - Thank you!

@cmattack

- I think that when I tried to break up with him I did it because I didn't really believe that he loved me, I thought that, as you said, he was just going through the motions. But then, when he convinced me not to break up with him, he told me the second thing you suggested, that he had difficulties expressing how he felt and that he would try to change that, because he didn't want to loose me. I always wondered if, at that time, I didn't just believe his explanation because it was easier for me to accept. But it was obvious that he really believed what he was saying... so I believed it too. Talk about faulty logic, right? I'm no psychologist, but the fact that he believed at the time that he loved me doesn't necessarily mean that he really did, does it?

I understand and agree with the fact that a person should not put their relationship above themselves.. everything you say makes perfect sense. I, in fact, have a lot of things to figure out in this particular area, because I do think that part of the position I'm in was caused by my becoming a bit of a doormat at some point in this relationship. It's a horrible thought - did I do this to myself, did my being the way I am set me up for this?

Having thins in common is in fact important. Let me try to be more specific. Some of the things I love to do most are: listening to music & going to concerts, dancing, climbing mountains. He enjoyed playing computer games, building electronic devices and cooking/eating. He doesn't really 'get music', hates dancing, hates climbing mountains, I have no affinity whatsoever for electronics and I dislike cooking. Even when there's good will on both sides (and there wasn't always)... it was hard for me to enjoy going dancing with him, when I saw that he wasn't really having a good time, even though he tried.
That's what I meant, it's better if two people have more things that they can enjoy together.

You've given me a lot to think about, thank you for that! :)

I'm in my mid twenties.