It Seems So Hopeless

OK I am working on getting it through my head that it is over forever with my ex. There's no chance of us ever getting back together according to her last email she sent this week (and i could never forgive her and get back with her anyway after what happened, things are ruined forever between us and she know and takes the blame for almost all of it). So now for the first time in my adult life at 25 i am alone and uncertain of where or who i will end up with; and that scares the hell out of me. It scares me because its hard for me to see myself in a situation where I will be able to meet someone who I wanted as badly as I did my ex. Before her I had never had a serious relationship. I dated a few different girls but it never lasted for more than a month or two because I lost interest really fast. And I usually don’t have the motivation to even try dating unless its with someone who really, really interests me. I guess I’m too picky. But this is why I’m so devastated that I’ve lost her. All that work that I put into getting with her. Before her there wasn’t anyone who interested me enough to really want to be with. And during the 6 years we were together, there wasn’t another girl who came into the picture that made my mind wander even a little bit. So I just cant see how at this point in my life I will be in another situation where I will meet someone who I captured my heart the way she did. Right now I don’t even have any prospects that I could go for even if I wanted to, let alone someone who stole my heart the way she did.

I dont have the most outgoing personality. And i dont have the typical aggressive male attitude, and I can seem distant and reclusive at times. Its not that I’m shy, cause I’m not at all. I will tell it like it is and I can be very assertive when I have to be. It’s just that I’ve always had a hard time opening up to people and really letting anyone in. This is one of the problems that my ex had, apparently I didn’t confide in her enough (even though she was the ONLY person who I have ever been able to open up to). Don’t get me wrong, me and my ex had our fair share of serious fights, so I’m not like a push-over or anything. But she said that I wasn’t aggressive enough. But once I do open up I’m such a confident, relaxed and funny guy. I was always cracking her up and joking around, acting silly and witty. I felt so close to her, closer than anyone else, including my family. I guess I’m like this because I didn’t have the most healthy childhood growing up. My parents divorced when I was 6 and they both had serious problems with drugs, so sometimes I would live with my grandparents. I moved around quite a bit, and changed schools a lot as well. People who know me have said that it’s a miracle that I turned out the way I did having gone through all that. I’m the “good/nice” guy, got an engineering degree from Penn State, got an awesome job and bought a new car, where just about everybody else from our town went nowhere after high school. I guess I’ve got a lot going for me. I cant believe that me and my ex made it through all that, finally got here, and then she leaves me for someone else. Not just someone else, someone who doesn’t hasn’t done any of the things I have done. No degree, no job, lives at home. But I guess those things arent everything. Its certainly ironic, to say the least.

As sad as it is to admit I don’t really have much of a social life. My ex WAS my life. She was everything to me for so long and now that I don’t have her, it feels like I don’t have my life. At least I don’t have THAT life anymore. I do have my circle of close friends (really only 3), 2 of which i live with right now. But Unfortunately they don’t have many social connections either. So when I met and fell in love with my ex gf, it was at a time in my life when i wasnt so reclusive and closed off from people. It was during the high-school-graduation/college-freshman period of my life. I guess around the age of 18-20 nobody is really like that. We started dating during our freshman/sophomore year in college when our lives were very busy and exciting and full of new experiences and constant things to do and discover. Looking back, it seems like it was so easy to meet and/or date people, and start a relationship.

But now it seems so damn hopeless, like I’ll never be able to find someone like her. I moved to a new area where I don’t know anybody. All I do is go to work and come home. It isn’t so easy to just start over. And it isn’t easy for me to meet people, let alone find a girl that will interest me like she did. It seems so hopeless at this point. And if I do meet someone, they wont share all those college memories and experiences from the last 6 years of my life. I want my life back! I’m so depressed. :upset: