Update from "SABOTAGED to get her back"
Good morning everyone.
I'll make a recap of the story I shared in my last thread.
I had been three years in a loving relationship, complete with plans for the fuure.
This did not happen, because, unknowingly or otherwise, I slowly degenerated into a weak person. My partner could not, or would not handle it anymore, and broke up with me via a letter.
I was genuinely devastated by it. I had invested so much in her, thinking that was my way of proving my love and devotion to her, and it ultimately became my undoing.
I went to my mother for consolation and support, but she blackmailed me into giving her almost everything on my partner, and she used this to send her hate mail behind my back.
Even if I did not know it, it was majorly as a result of this, that my attempts to recontact my now expartner, even those in a good note, were met with an "I'm done talking to you".
In my moment of greatest weakness, coupled with emotional and physical abuse involved, I betrayed her to my mother, and am paying the price for it with her distance.
Something I attempted to tell my expartner was that I was IN NO WAY part of it, that I was ABUSED to give that information, and that I would have NEVER approved of such action.
I say attempted because she did not respond. So I was basically forced back to NC, this time with nothing to motivate me to break it in a very long time.
Deep within, I feared being destroyed by such an experience, so I did my best to avoid it. That included being overly nice and dependant. But in the end, it happened anyway, or even because of it. The man I had been until that moment was gone, unable to cope with it.
What no one told me, was that I would be able to rise again, thorough and utter as that defeat was.
Ever since, I have embarked on a long spiritual journey to rebuild myself from that serious blow to my self-esteem and my entire perception of life.
I started to recover, slowly but surely, the full memory of what I exactly was that attracted her to begin with. What principles I valued.
I pondered whether I needed her, wanted her, lusted after her, or truly, genuinely loved her, and in what order.
Before the breakup, it was all four, alright. I loved her for being a wonderful person. I was genuinely attracted to her specific body. I wanted her in my life forever. And most of all, I needed her to be happy. That was my undoing.
I have been told things like "forget her", or "she's gone", or "move on", or even "dude, you're living a fantasy".
At first, I was every bit the dependant sucker who wished all those advice givers to feel my pain and be in my shoes. I admit it. I needed her.
But, the further I went into this road to self-rediscovery, I found that those protests within my core were still there, but with a genuine twist.
She has left the deepest mark in my life, both good and bad, and both out of my own actions. She is within my happiest memories. She means a lot to me, and now I can say this in a truly adult manner.
...and I decided I am not going to give up on her just yet.
That does not mean I will stalk her, or try to contact her anytime soon. Those tactics are completely and utterly wrong.
I accept the breakup was necessary, for me to rethink my life over and put myself on the road to improvement.
But, I still would like to, someday, be a part of her happiness.
Every fibre of my being tells me it is not the right thing to allow something as wonderful as our relationship to die unceremoniously and end with one or both partners hating each other.
I want to become a better man, and to, someday, deserve her once more.
