wondering if it was her or my fault...part 1
Hi
I'm new to this forum. I wasn't sure where to post this thread, but decided to post it here in the ask females section in order to get feedback from women, which is essentially what my story is all about.
I'll try to give you all the facts as detailed as I can without going too much off topic. Please note that all of the following took place in Japan.
Here goes.
At the end of november 2009, I met a Japanese woman online. She was the one who contacted me by viewing a thread I had posted on a Japan-related forum a few months earlier. I was used to making friends via online forums, so I welcomed this person as well, thinking that we could be friends. However, the truth is that these internet correspondances usually only last a few emails and then you never hear from these people again.
What happened here though was that when I replied to her email to thank her for contacting me, the first thing she did was to give me the email address to her mobile phone. I had never seen that being done before in all the years I had met people online on that forum. I thought it was a bit strange, but decided to email her directly to her cellphone (from my laptop).
She then replied to me almost instantly. We went over to introducing ourselves, and she told me that she was a 30 year old woman looking for new friends (meaning that there is a 7-8 year age gap between us seeing as I'm in my early twenties). We would go on to to correspond over the next couple of hours. During that time, I noticed that she often send me pictures of herself (face, silhouette, etc.), which again, I had never seen being done before. I innocently asked her why she did this. She replied by saying that it was easier for us to familiarize ourselves with each other that way.
I didn't really take her seriously, but just kept talking to her in Japanese since I thought it was good practice for me. Since she told me that she was looking for new friends. She seemed to have a boyfriend, but he was living in Tokyo and hardly ever contacted her, so she felt lonely and was looking for new people to be with. I did find it strange that she would still call someone like that her boyfriend. Anyone in the right mind would have broken I had told her that if we get along well together, we could meet up in town from time to time and have a drink or something. She seemed to be ok with that. I learned that she was working as an archaeologue, digging up ancient stones and the like from the city ruins. She would not have work on rainy days though.
The next day after I came home from school in the afternoon and checked my emails, she had already written me an email that morning, so I picked up on it and wrote her back. Again I received a quick reply and we were off again for a couple of hours of more corresponding, again with her sending me photos of herself periodically. Until all of a sudden, she sent me a photo of her in the bathtub, and as our normal conversation continued, nude pictures of herself would follow shortly after. At that point, I started to ask myself if this was not just some kind of joke she was playing on me, or maybe she was just a prostitute trying to get some attention. In any case, I tried not to take it too seriously, since I thought we were just going to be friends anyway, so whatever she wanted to do - whether that was sending nude pictures of herself to me - was her business.
By the time she continued to send me these spicy pictures of herself, the conversation had changed from a casual conversation to one that was about sex. She would ask me about my personal experiences, and I would just play along and ask similar questions. I had told her I was in fact still a virgin, and then she asked me if I wanted her to deflower me. Again, I did not take this seriously at all, but found it rather amusing to be involved a such a strange situation. That day again I believe we had corresponded for several hours. She gave me her phone number that same evening. Keep in mind that I'm usually always using my laptop when doing my homework for school etc. so I could instantly check whether I had received new emails. And she always promptly replied to my emails during those hours in which we corresponded, thus not leaving any time gaps in between.
The following day our correspondance continued, as did the pictures she sent me. I remember it was a rainy day that day, so she told me she stayed home and just relaxed while taking care of her newly born puppies. Later that evening, we would talk on the phone for the first time, and we talked for as much as three hours. From our conversations, she seemed to be a rather normal person just like everyone else, apart from the fact that she sent these odd pictures to people she had never met before. I did actually enjoy talking to her, as did she I think. I asked her why on earth she did what it was she did. She said that she liked to surprise people. I then proceeded to asking how many other people she corresponded with and sent nude pictures to. She replied by saying that she had picked me out of all the ads on the forum, and that she only sent these pictures to people who she thought she would be able to get along with. Keeping in mind that she just wanted to make new friends, I asked if she was available in the weekend so we could meet up and meet each other in person (putting aside the whole sex talk), and she said that it might be better if I came directly to her house, because her parent's werent home that weekend and she couldn't leave the house because she had to take care of her puppies. She even invited me to sleep over. Obviously I was feeling a bit uncomfortable with these sudden developments, but we had actually corresponded quite a lot in the past days and over the next day as well. We would talk on the phone in the evening, and she would mail me during her breaks at work and during lunch time. It became clear to me that she couldn't possibly correspond like this with 3-4 people at the same time.
I decided to go and meet her in the end. I know it was naive of me, but I guess we 'trusted' each other enough to do it. If I hadn't talked to her on the phone several days before or corresponded with her as much as I didn, I wouldn't have done it. For all she knew, I could have been a serial killer, but I wasn't was I. Before meeting I did ask her what she was really about. I wanted to know if she was just looking for a sex friend or something, but when mentioning it, she said she didn't like to hear the term 'sex friend' because it sounded as if we would just meet for sex (that was certainly what she made me believe). Needless to say it became quite obvious that we were going to have sex when we met. However, we had then agreed that the main reason for us meeting in the first place was to be friends, even though there was a high chance of us having sexual intercourse. She was very casual about the whole sex thing and didn't seem to mind at all.
Between the first time I had talked to her on the internet, and the day that we finally met, one week had passed.
The day I met her, she picked me up at the train station, and drove us to her house. Her parents had already left, so we had the whole house to ourselves. By the way, I lived about 30 minutes away from her house by train, or about 10 km. Throughout the day, we talked a lot, and got to know each other better. As on the phone, I found her very easy to talk to. I enjoyed her company. She cooked dinner for both of us in the evening and we had a really good time together. It then struck me that she really was a nice person. She seemed honest, hard working, and whitty...and very sexual too. I started wondering why someone so nice as her needed to sell herself like that on the internet to get attention.
The next day at the breakfast table, we talked about lots of different things again, such as about her past (foreign) boyfriends etc. She mentioned that she got married some 4 years ago, but got divorced after a month because her Japanese husband hardly had any time for her. As with most Japanese white collor workers, he was constantly working, coming home late in the evenings, being too tired to spend any time with his wife, and then just sleeping in on weekends, which is what led her to file a divorce.
and I asked her again to be completely sure I wasn't getting myself into anything I would regret later, what kind of relationship she wanted with me. I told her I didn't want a serious relationship, one reason being that I still felt hurt from the breakup of a previous relationship a month earlier, and another reason being that I couldn't really take someone seriously who did the things she did on the internet. She said she was fine with us being 'more than friends, but less than a couple' In the end that's what we decided to go as.
In the next few days and weeks, we would thus keep in touch with each other like a real couple would, only there not being any real love like a real couple. We would talk on the phone, and mail each other in our free time.
She said I couldn't meet her at her house when her parents were home, so instead, we found some other activities to do in the cities. The next time we met, we went to a love hotel together, followed by a light show in town in the evening.
A few weeks went by, and everything was fine. I did ask her occasionally if she was still planning on meeting other guys like she met me, and she said no. She had found me, and that was good enough for her. That was understandable since we really did correspond with eachother nearly all the time.
Then one day, just before christmas, I was invited out for dinner by another girl. I had been corresponding with her for about a month, she was studying English, and we would send each other English-Japanese mails about once or twice a week. When she invited me out for dinner, I accepted her proposal, thinking that we were just going out as friends anyway, plus I wasn't in a serious relationship with my other half-girlfriend, so it made it OK in my eyes.
I was supposed to have dinner with that acquaintance the next day, and while I was mailing my half-gf over lunch, I told her I was going out to dinner with someone else tonight, but that she didn't need to worry. I had wanted to meet her instead, but I couldn't because she was already going to a company drinking party that evening. The christmas holidays had just begun for me, and rather than staying home that evening in my room doing nothing, I thought it was a better idea to go out there and meet some new people.
However, she got very very upset when I told her about it. So upset even that she said she didn't want to see me again and that I could enjoy spending christmas with this new girl as well as new year since she was my age anyway. The reason I told her about this was because I had been used to this in my previous relationship in Europe. I dated someone for several years, but we lived pretty far away from each other, so we could only meet about once a month. In return, we would keep in touch every single day, and whenever she went out with people, she would always inform me about it. Sometimes it would be with classmates in a group, sometimes it would be with one guy she would meet in a cafe or at a restaurant. But the fact that we always informed each other about these things made us trust each other. This was what I wanted my new half-gf to understand: trust.
wondering if it was her or my fault...part 2
This is the continuation of part 1.
...The reason I told her about this was because I had been used to this in my previous relationship in Europe. I dated someone for several years, but we lived pretty far away from each other, so we could only meet about once a month. In return, we would keep in touch every single day, and whenever she went out with people, she would always inform me about it. Sometimes it would be with classmates in a group, sometimes it would be with one guy she would meet in a cafe or at a restaurant. But the fact that we always informed each other about these things made us trust each other. This was what I wanted my new half-gf to understand: trust.
Her answer really surprised me. I was having lunch with a friend at the time, and he told me to give her a call immediately, which is what I did. But she deliberately did not pick up her phone. All the would do for the rest of the day would be to reply to my messages, but she absolutely refused to pick up her phone so that we could talk about this, something that really worked against my system. She was being incredibly stubborn. I was actually thinking of cancelling that dinner because of this fight we had going on, but seeing as she was so stubborn she coulnd't bring herself to pick up that phone of hers, I decided to go and have dinner with that girl anyway.
After dinner with her, we left and said goodbye. When I got home I tried to reach my half-gf again, but she didn't respond. It wasn't until the next morning that she replied to my messages, and as soon as I got them I tried to call her, but again she would not pick up her phone. She finally did pick it up after many attemps, and we talked for over an hour about the whole incident. She accused me of breaking her trust, because she said that the fact that I went out with someone else showed that I would just hop on the bandwagon if anyone ever invited me. This was not true. Had I not been free that evneing, and had it not been the beginning of the holidays, I would not have met up with her.
Many accusations and arguments later, she decided to 'forgive me' for what I had done, but added that she would need some time. We ended up having dinner the next evening, and although I didn't feel like I had done something wrong, I apologized to her anyway. She apologized in turn saying that it was because of her period that she was very sensitive to these kinds of things.
Nevertheless, I had promised her from that point onwards that I would stop meeting other girls for her sake, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If we wanted to be together, inevitably we would have to start going out as a real couple. After dinner that evening, she went back to my place and we both spent the night togeher. In the days that followed, everything seemed to be back to normal, with the daily phone calls and correspondance, and with the erotic pictures from time to time which I have to say I started enjoying.
For new year, she invited me over to her house again (when her parents weren't home) and the next day we went out to see a Japanese comedy. That was a good experience.
After that, there was a period of about two weeks where we didn't meet up because she didn't have the free time. One thing I had noticed a few times during our relationship so far was that when I made suggestions to do things together, like going to the movies, going to karaoke, or other places, she would usually just reply by saying that she wasn't interested, or that it was too expensive or too cold, too far etc. etc. or that it just wasn't something she was interested in. I had also previously invited her over to my place a few times, just so we could spend a few hours together, but she said that it was too far away, and that she didn't feel like it after work. (10 km is pretty far away, right?). I tried not to let that get to me since we did keep in touch pretty much every day, so I didn't see the need to start making a fuss about it.
However, in the second week after new year, for some reason, she didn't call me anymore. I would try to call her during that week every day like I had always done, and usually if she didn't pick up her phone, she would call me back afterwards. But she did not do that this time. One day went by where we didn't talk, and then a second day went by. And you know what, I totally understand it if she had a few days where she didn't feel like or couldn't talk to me, but then that soon became 3 and 4 days. We did mail each other as usual, but even that wasn't regular anymore. It's like all of a sudden, she had gotten so busy that she couldn't even tell me what she was doing. When I told her in the evenings that I wanted to hear her voice, she said she was too tired and just wanted to sleep. Not wanting to be selfish, I didn't let it get to me for the first few days, but after that I got me pretty ticked off. Why on earth couldn't she just make 5 minutes to talk to me? Why had she changed her behaviour all of a sudden? I had told her over the next couple of days several times that it was important to me to be able to talk to my girlfriend, but she didn't think it was that important.
During that week, I started paying much closer attention to her personality, and I started noticing that she was actually not very willing to compromise at all. All of the meetings we had had so far were mostly taken by her initiative. I appreciated the fact that she invited me out to do things, but whenever I made a proposal, she didn't seem to care about it. The whole situation about not talking on the phone for nearly a week really made me open my eyes about her. Although she took initiatives, it all had to go according to her rhythm, otherwise we were in a fight.
That same week, I received my mobile phone bill for december, and the price was astronomically high. I told her about it and said that we needed to find a different solution. She suggested me to get a phone from her carrier which would make it free to talk. But I couldn't cancel the phone I had within 6 months or I risked having to pay a penalty. I suggested her to get a phone from my carrier, but she was against that. I then said we could each get a phone from neither one of our carriers, but which would allow us to talk as much as we liked for a fixed price every month. She was against that idea as well, saying she didn't need two phones, and that she didn't really talk on the phone that much anyway (even though we had been talking nearly every single day for the past month...!).
That again triggered some annoyance inside me, because this again showed me that she really wasn't open to make any sacrifices. I started to think that I was just her little toy she could use whenever she felt like it. I felt as if I was the one who was making sacrifices, but she would make none.
The week before all of this happened, she had invited me to a Japanese- style amusement park. She invited me over to sleep at her parent's house again, and a friend of her would join her. I actually felt somewhat reluctant to go, because why should I spend one and a half day with her if she couldn't even take 5 minutes of her time in the past week to give me a phone call? During that week I had actually thought of breaking up with her, because I didn't see us being together the way things were. But I talked about it with some people, and they suggested me to wait a little longer, seeing as we had just started dating. I took that advice into consideration and decided to go to that amusement park with her and her friend and just wait a couple of weeks to see how things developed.
The amusement park itself wasn't too bad. My gf dropped me off at the train station on the way home, and as soon as I came home, I sent her a message saying I had arrived safely and thanking her for everything. She in in turn replied back saying it was her pleasure.
But then, just a few hours after her last message, she sent me another one in which she asked me if it wouldn't be better if I dated that girl I had dinner with the other time, she followed that by adding that she wouldn't contact me anymore.
I was completely astonished by what she had just said. I tried to reach her that evening and in the next couple of days, but did not reply to any of my messages nor my phone calls. Until after two days, when I got so fed up with it I wrote to her expressing my disbelief in all of this, also saying that I thought she was disgusting for ignoring me. If anything, she should have talked to me about whatever problem she had.
Then finally came an answer from her explaining why she wanted to cut off ties all of a sudden.
It seems that during our last meeting, she had seen that in the inbox of my phone were emails from that girl I had had dinner with a few weeks earlier, and that the background picture of my mobile phone was not one of hers, and that I had insulted her or something the evening before. She thought that since after all she had done for me, trying to be nice etc. this was the way I repaid her, then she preferred to not have a boyfriend at all. She claimed that I had promised I would stop contacting this girl, but that I had seemingly contacted her during the time I didn't meet with my gf.
I was so angry at her for ignoring me all these days just for those reasons. In my opinion she had no reason to get angry over anything. Had she even read my emails? Just because she saw some emails in my inbox doesn't mean anything. I had never said I would stop contacting her, I had said I would stop meeting other girls for her sake, but I would never break off contact with people I was friends with. I mailed other female friends as well, but that doesn't mean I cheat on my gf, right? These were people I had known even before I had met my gf. On top of that, I found it rediculous that she got angry over my background picture in my phone. I had had her set as a background picture before, but I changed it. So what? What's the big deal? Doesn't she mail other male friends too? I never bothered to ask her, but I'm sure she does, and I certainly didn't have a problem with it, nor have I ever felt interested to look at her phone whether I was set as her bg picture.
I then told her I would go directly to her house to explain the situation, because that was the only thing I could do being that she, again, did not pick up her phone and did not reply to any other messages. However, when I told her I was coming over to talk to her, she said she would call the police if I did go. So I ended up just going to the station of the city where she lived. In the meantime, she had changed her address so that I could not send her any more emails. How nice.
In the days that followed I tried to not call her and see if she was going to call me back, but there was no reaction. A few days later, I decided to go to her house again, this time without informing her. I was upset about the fact that she misunderstood the situation, and that's why I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to solve the problem. So I went to her house after school, and as I approached the house, I saw her bicycle outside, and the families two cars (I knew their vehicles since I had been a passenger in them before).
Her mother opened the door and I asked whether her daughter was home, explaining who I was and why I had come. Her mother called her daughter, but I was later told that she was out, and her mother didn't know where she was. Knowing that it was a complete lie, I didn't know what to anymore. I decided not to press any harder and just left. While waiting for the bus at the bus stop across the street from her house, I saw my gf coming out of the house, getting in one of the cars and even driving past me. I saw this disgusting grin on her face as she drove past.
The following day when I was at my university, one of the staff members from the office told me that my gf had called the university the previous evening, and once more this morning to inform them that 'a student of their university was harrassing her'. I had short but direct conversation with the staff, and I was advised not go to her house anymore, or it would result in me getting in trouble with the law, which was the last thing I wanted.
I found that perticularely disgusting. How could she call my university and tell them to tell me to stop bothering her. It was just mind blowing to me.
The thing in Japan though, is that when an individual does something bad, it reflects on the organization that the individual works for. Unlike in the west where if an individual commits a crime etc., it is usually the individual himself that is targeted, not so much the organization he belongs to.
The reason why the university staff wanted to talk to me about this was because they were worried that I might commit any crimes which would put the universities reputation at stake, especially if it came out in the news, that was their only concern. What students did in their private lives was not something that concerned the university, and the staff told me that they were surprised when they received her phone call, because there just was not much they could do.
So this is pretty much how my relationship with her ended.
After all she's put me through, I just cannot forgive her. I really hate her for her erratic behavior. But at the same time, I'm afraid I still feel a certain amount of attraction towards her since she was my first experience.
When I look back at the way we met, I'm thinking that her strange way of interacting with new people might have been a cause to her strange behavior, and that's why I got the feeling that in the end, it was all just a set up. But then again, if she really was just playing, I don't think she would have done all the nice things she did, like taking me to places, introducing me to her friends, cooking for me, or letting me crash at her place. As mentioned earlier, I had almost forgotten that she had sent me those nude photos in the very beginning, because she really didn't come across as slutty when I was with her.
I've been thinking a lot about this break up over the past week, and sometimes, I blame it all on her selfishness and complete immaturity, lack of judgement and good communication skills, but on the other hand, I blame myself too. Should I have been more tolerant? Should I have been more of a man and bitten the bullet when she was wanted to have her way?
In the end, I'm thinking that it was all my fault. I shouldn't have ever told her I was going out for dinner, then surely none if this would ever have happened. I wanted to be as honest as possible, but my honesty and naivity turned against me...
I haven't heard from her voice in more than two weeks, and it's nearly been two weeks since her last message.
I's obvious that this relationship is pretty much over, but I keep wondering why all this had to happen the way it did.
Wondering what you women out there think.
