Some helpful tips on how to move on...
Okay so its not that helpful but i signed up to this broken heart website and they send you emails for 5 days on how to cope with a broken heart.
LESSON 1: Coping with the Emptiness
The day after a break up or the year after (if you
haven't found a way to heal) may seem like you are
waking up to a nightmare. The space beside you in bed
is vacant and that vacancy is sending you a blaring
message - you are alone. It seems unbearable.
The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness,
you are feeling emptiness. Being lonely is manageable, but
feeling empty is different. Emptiness can strip the meaning;
from everything from which you once derived enjoyment
including your job, friends, family, and hobbies.
Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you,
"Hey, what is the point of any of this without him or
her?" Well, there is a point. When you quiet your mind
and look deep within, you know it to be true - your life has
meaning and though it seems impossible, these feelings
will pass.
Fortunately, you don't have to allow time to do the magic.
You can relieve the pain and bring meaning back into your
life by practicing some of the following tips.
The first tip to overcome the emptiness is to identify the
triggers (times, places, and things) that cause you the
most pain. Triggers can cause fits of sadness, grief, and
loneliness.
For example, common triggers are the moment you come home
after work and when you get into bed at night. Once you've
made the list, you need to have a pre-planned adjustment to
counteract each trigger. Your adjustment for these triggers
can be go out for dinner if you normally cooked with your ex
and listen to music while falling asleep. These are just
examples.
The main point is that you must make yourself aware of the
recurring pain triggers and have a plan to make adjustments
to these routines. This will help - a lot.
The second tip is to engage your support network. Most of us
crawl into a hole and have a tendency to withdraw after a
break-up. After my divorce, had I seen a crack in the earth,
I would have gladly jumped in. Withdrawal is part of our
flight or fight response. Choose to fight.
Find your friends and family or co-workers and make plans
with them. The last thing in the world you may want to have
is company, but it is imperative that you socialize at least 2x
a week, because it accelerates the healing process. Try to hang
out with some people who didn't know you and your ex as a
couple to bring back your individuality and avoid that trigger.
So what adjustments are you going to make during your
trigger times?
LESSON 2: Eliminate Negative Thoughts
Does this sound familiar?
"I will never meet anyone else..."
"I cannot live without this person..."
"This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?"
Ok, whatever the thoughts are - you miss him or her,
you hate this feeling, you feel like crud, they
repeat themselves over and over and over and...you
get the point.
How do you get your mind to stop this chatter?
It's as if your mind has another operator that
is simply ignoring your commands. You may be
even saying STOP to your thoughts as they come,
pulling your hair, and really, really trying not
to think about your pain and break up, but the
thoughts still show up at the most inopportune
times.
First, understand you are not going crazy, this is
common post break-up behavior.
Next, the good part - there is a way to put an end
to nagging thoughts. Like your attachment to your ex,
your attachment to these thoughts have been hard
wired in your mind. They have actually formed
pathways in your brain...ok, ok, I won't go into the
science.
Let's get to the good stuff: techniques to overcome
repetitive negative thoughts.
The first method is to literally flip the thoughts
on their head with a more realistic, positive
statement. One of the statements I started with,
"I'm never going to meet anyone else" is a common
post-break up fear. If you step back and focus
within, you know that this is simply not true.
Whether you're a youngster or late into your years,
the likelihood of you never meeting anyone else is,
well, zero. You will. So, the first statement that
you won't is the unrealistic one. The reason you keep
thinking it over and over again is because having a
broken heart HURTS and your subconscious is trying
to protect you from going through this pain ever again.
When you have a recurring negative thought, first
pause and take a moment. Thank your brain for
trying to protect you. I'm serious, actually say,
"thanks brain, I got it, you're protecting me." Then
rethink the thought in the more realistic method which
is, "The more likely outcome is that I will meet someone."
In order to rewire your mind to reference the positive
thought and totally get rid of the negative one, write it
down. Each time you have the thought, flip it to the
realistic thought - in writing. Use sticky notes, use
your blackberry, writing it out will rewire that
stubborn mind of yours.
The method above is very effective and there are two even
more powerful methods that can manifest ongoing
positivity in your life.
LESSON 3: Constant reminders be gone
Why does everything remind you of your ex?
It's impossible to stop thinking about it if everything
makes you think about it!
Here is the reason: Our mind forms strong associations.
Ok, I didn't drop a bomb with that fact, but here is
the interesting part...
When your brain stored memories of your ex,it took
along with it associations of sounds, smells, colors
and even things you were touching at the time. All
of those sensations form a powerful bond in your mind.
Now, when you think of your ex, you may remember
cologne they used to wear. The part we didn't bargain
for is that it works in reverse. If we smell the
cologne, the memory of your ex comes right back up.
The smallest details will trigger a memory because
they lie deep within your subconscious. That's why
you may feel like you're having an okay day
when suddenly you hear a song that brings you to a
fit of tears. Do not feel bad - there is hope to break
some of these associations and ease your pain.
Here is the first tip: you need to make small changes
- immediately. Rearrange your furniture, cut your hair,
change your office at work, wear different perfume,
and listen to different songs. I am not advising you
to forget your ex. I am asking you to make minor
adjustment to ease your daily pain. Your associations
are strong and they are mostly subliminal - do not try
to fight them with your conscious logic.
If you haven't done so already, gently put away the
more obvious reminders of your ex including pictures,
personal belongings, and anything else that reminds
you of them. No one is suggesting a bonfire in the front
yard - a box will do just fine. It can be upsetting
to remove these items, but keep in mind, it's not forever.
The next tip: try to socialize with a few people that did not
know you as a couple. Hanging out with all the same
friends can trigger the pain association. Mixing up some
friendships and social habits will provide tremendous
benefit.
So my question to you is, what are you going to change
today? How about a different route to work or drinking
a cup of tea instead coffee in the morning? Try it -it
will ease your pain.
LESSON 4: Losing a Soulmate
If you're in pain from a break up, but you know that
your ex wasn't your soulmate, this will still be of
great benefit.
9 years ago, I felt I had lost my soulmate. I had
been through a divorce and that was heart-wrenching,
but that's not what or to whom I was referring. After
my divorce, I met someone that I felt was my perfect
match. I had never felt that way before and never loved
that way before; he was the one I had been waiting for my
entire life.
He didn't feel the same. We parted and I died inside.
The day after, I felt a chill go from my toes up through
my body until it found my chest. The cold went through
every vessel in my heart filling it with darkness and
stripping me of the hope of life.
If you feel like you've lost your soulmate, you realize
that I'm not being dramatic. You know that it is an
experience that is almost indescribable. As I've never
experienced death myself, I can only assume a bad break
up is a very close second.
If you feel anything like what I've described, then I
have one message I need you to hear - you WILL feel
better. In fact, you will feel better than you have
ever felt because you are on your way to a more authentic
path. A brighter future.
I know it sounds ridiculous - almost impossible, in fact.
But believe me, it is the absolute truth. The universe
operates in strange ways to get us to the happiest place we
can be and you are no exception to this path.
I went from the state I described above to a state of true
happiness by first researching every healing technique
available, reading every self-help book, going to therapists,
support groups,and even hypnotherapy. You know what
I got from this? Not much. I only learned about everything
that was wrong with me and it didn't help with my pain.
Then, I had a break through. A friend of mine was talking
about an article in Time magazine called The Science of
Happiness. They were referring to what I now know as
Positive Psychology. A science that can make you happy,
are you serious? Yes, very. It's not a pill, it's not a joke, it
is a real science that studies how to be happier.
It is a study of what is right with us.
This really appealed to me. I devoured every book and
article written on the subject. I tweaked them to apply to
my situation of a broken heart. I tested the techniques on
myself and then on friends, and then set up a website to
test them on others suffering from a broken heart.
LESSON 5: Are Wounds healed by time?
Why do so many people think that time is the
miracle maker?
It is because after time goes by we do feel
better. Did I just contradict myself? No, time
makes us feel better, but we have simply
masked the original problems, not resolved them.
Ever have a day where you're feeling not-so-bad -
then you hear a song that reminds you of your
ex? This trigger can cause a break down. We fall
into these fits of pain when the root of the problem
remains within us. Time can push trauma deep inside
to hide from our conscious mind; unfortunately,
nothing hides from the subconscious.
If you do nothing at this point, but allow time
to pass, you may be listening to a song months
or years from now and have the same reaction.
If you are suffering from true heartbreak, the
only real way to heal is to walk straight through
your pain and release it. By taking the time to
read this email, you are beginning the process
of taking conscious action to release your pain.
I know this is a long post, just thought it could help a few people a bit :)
