I cheated. Advice plz!!

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04-02-10, 02:25 PM
sean1800

I cheated. Advice plz!!

I met this man about an year ago. this is my first relationship. I came out recently before meeting him and just liked the idea of dating, and so started dating him even though did not find him attractive. The problem was that I did not know what i want then, and did not realize the value of love and commitment. I was spontaneous, and inconsiderate. I ended up cheating on him during the first few months of the relationship (was safe). then I got tested and everything was fine and decided not to tell him.
But slowly as time passed on, I started to fall in love with him, cuz he is ever so sweet and took care of me like a baby. I started feeling guilty and contemplated telling several times. Even though there are very slim chances of him finding out that I cheated on him, I started feeling very guilty.
But through this experience, i also found out a lot about myself. I am just 22. I have a whole life ahead of me. I cant deny the fact that I am not physically attracted to him and I know for a fact that I will end up cheating on him again. I might sound shallow, but I have come to terms with the fact that I am human and that I cant help what I feel.
With this said, I decided I am going to break up with him. May be I will regret throwing it all away in the future. But i know that I have done justice to this guy and let him chose someone more committed to him, which is what he truly deserves. But the question remains that should I tell him that I cheated on him?
If i tell him and break up, it would probably hurt him more, and then we might even not be friends. But if i dont tell him that I cheated, i would have spared him the turmoil and we might end up being good friends.
Please help me. is it the right thing to do to spare him the hurt and not tell him? Thanks so much for your advice. Really appreciate it.
04-02-10, 02:33 PM
Perryville

Yes, absolutely, tell him the truth. Stop thinking of yourself, think of him for once. YOU were the cheater, and YOU haven't shown him any respect at all. If the friendship is lost, it will be because of your cheating, not because you were honest (finally), and told him. Lies are like cancer, they grow the longer they are left untold. Irf you don't tell, you will know in your heart that you are a dishonest , lying ho. If you tell, then you will be an honest person. The question you have to ask yourself is , which do you want to be?
04-02-10, 02:40 PM
bobby71

Honesty is ALWAYS the best cores of action…
04-02-10, 02:44 PM
Spring Haze

He admits to his cheating, then what? His boyfriend asks why he cheated, then he gives him another blow by saying he finds him unattractive?

Just break up, tell him you can't have a commitment right now.

As for you wanting to remain friends... you can't be "good friends" with someone you've betrayed.
04-02-10, 03:56 PM
sookie6

If you know that you won't stay with him. I mean if you decision is definite then why add up to his pain?
Just tell him you think of him as a friend and this is not enough for you to remain in the relationship.

Telling the truth is very important when you are with someone but if she is leaving there is no point...
04-02-10, 06:36 PM
Nomie

Why would you tell him the truth, you don't love him! Does it matter whether he knows the truth or not? I know people telling the truth because they want to build a strong relationship not because they want to break up!

Idon't see any reason really of telling him the truth. You didn't tell the whole year and then why now?
04-02-10, 09:48 PM
Perryville

The main purpose for telling the truth is for your own self-esteem and to show your soon-to-be ex that you are an honest person and that his friendship means something to you. If you don't tell him, then your relationship with him has only changed from being a lying lover to being a lying friend. Why can't you stop the deceit?
04-02-10, 10:03 PM
bobby71

I like you perryville 2 thumbs up.
04-02-10, 10:11 PM
Perryville

All of the posters, who say that you should, "let sleeping dogs, lie", or that you shouldn't tell him because you would cause additional hurt, are simply making excuses. You are showing that you lack the moral courage and the integrity to own up to your wrongs and to come clean to the person you wronged. It shows lack of character.
04-02-10, 10:19 PM
Gigabitch

I think it's pretty clear that the OP has a deficit of character.

I agree with Perryville that confessing your cheating would be for you, not for him. Your thought that it would spoil any chance of future friendship is underhanded and sneaky. You don't deserve his friendship. You cheated on him.

Break up with him and give him a chance to find someone who isn't a liar.
06-02-10, 08:06 AM
Spring Haze

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The main purpose for telling the truth is for your own self-esteem and to show your soon-to-be ex that you are an honest person and that his friendship means something to you.

So it's entirely based on selfishness. He was selfish enough for cheating. He doesn't deserve any improvement on his self esteem (if that were even to be made better in the first place). It's strange in post #2 you tell the op to stop thinking of himself, yet you respond with the above quote.
06-02-10, 08:15 AM
Lite

If you are breaking up with him I would not tell him. You are already going to break his heart. No need to rip it out of his chest and stomp on it by mentioning the cheating. However do not blame the breakup on him at all.
06-02-10, 08:19 AM
Lite

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All of the posters, who say that you should, "let sleeping dogs, lie", or that you shouldn't tell him because you would cause additional hurt, are simply making excuses. You are showing that you lack the moral courage and the integrity to own up to your wrongs and to come clean to the person you wronged. It shows lack of character.

Being honest is not the same as being brutally honest. Yes she has aoral deficiancy. And yes it is very wrong. However if she is as sweet as she believes him to be, he will likely blame himself for her failing. Better for her to just end the relationship and let him keep his dignity and faith in women. Why hurt his future relationships with his misplaced mistrust of her?
06-02-10, 10:22 AM
Perryville

Spring Haze.....Selfishness is gratifying one's desires at the expense of others......raising one's self-esteem and improving one's character isn't selfish, it's maturity.......Lite, The difference between honesty and brutal honesty isn't in the honesty, the brutality is in the lie that caused it. For this poster to break up without being honest about the reason, is adding another lie on top of the first. You can't cure cancer by adding more cancer cells, you can't cure dishonesty by being more dishonest.
06-02-10, 09:07 PM
Lite

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For this poster to break up without being honest about the reason, is adding another lie on top of the first. You can't cure cancer by adding more cancer cells, you can't cure dishonesty by being more dishonest.

The reason they're breaking up with the person is because part of what they need, the physical attraction, isn't there. The inability to be faithful is a personal issue, that needs to be addressed in a personal manner. I'm not at all saying what she did was right, but like others have said. Telling him about cheating would be for his good, not his boyfriend's. What should do is hurt his ability to trust other people in relationships. So pretty much at this point it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't and if I'm faced with that decision, I'd rather not cop out and say I'm sorry to them to make myself feel better while destroying/harming their ability to have healthy and trusting relationships.

There's a reason why AIDS is more readily spread by gay men, and part of the seedier side of their dating culture often includes heavy drug use, unsafe sex with multiple partners, etc. He played russian roulette with not only his body but his partners, and for the sake of his partner he just needs to get out now. (I apologize for using She earlier, I was replying from my phone and some of the text was a little hard to read. Typically I default to assuming hetero relationships.) The poster just needs to get out of the relationship, be honest why he's breaking up (to a point), and stop putting someone he supposedly cares about in harm's way.

And actually no, the difference between brutal honesty, and honesty is when asked if these jeans make them look fat you say, "I don't think those are properly cut for your body type." instead of, "No, it's your ass because you keep two fisting twinkies into your pie hole."

Having cheated on my wife, and seen exactly how much it hurt her in addition to the divorce I had already started (before she discovered I had cheated), I'm not at all convinced that complete honesty is ever needed unless you're trying to reconcile. Otherwise it's like sucker punching a person after you've kicked them in the nuts. I divorced my wife for reasons other than the fact that I had cheated, I cheated because I was in a lot of emotional pain over the marriage and wasn't personally strong enough at the time to just do the right thing and divorce her. The divorce is partly her fault, but the cheating is completely my failure. It's not a let sleeping dogs lie issue, it's an if you care about them and do not want to do them more harm in the long term (People aren't very good at recovering from infidelity, and are often in need of serious long-term counseling afterwards which is both emotionally painful to go through, but expensive to boot...) sometimes it is better to just keep your mouth shut. If you absolutely must tell them, wait until they've healed from the break up then apologize for it.